Joe Rhatigan - Bizarre Politics: The Audacity, Stupidity, Incompetence, and General Idiocy of our Leaders . . . Unfortunately!

THE AUDACITY, STUPIDITY, INCOMPETENCE,
AND GENERAL IDIOCY OF OUR LEADERS
UNFORTUNATELY!

JOE RHATIGAN

For all my friends, left, right, and wing-nut.J.R.

Text copyright 2012 by Joseph Rhatigan.
Illustrations copyright 2012 by Charlesbridge Publishing, Inc.

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. Charlesbridge and colophon are registered trademarks of Charlesbridge Publishing, Inc.

An Imagine Book
Published by Charlesbridge Publishing
85 Main Street, Watertown, MA 02472
(617) 926-0329
www.charlesbridge.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Rhatigan, Joe
Bizarre politics : the audacity, stupidity, incompetence, and general idiocy of our leaders unfortunately! / Joe Rhatigan.
p. cm.
An Imagine book.
ISBN 978-1-936140-76-3
ISBN 978-1-60734-532-9 (ebook)
ISBN 978-1-60734-581-7 (ebook pdf)
1. United StatesPolitics and governmentHumor. I. Title.
PN6231.P6R56 2012
818.602--dc23
2011053442

Cover and interior design by Cindy LaBreacht. Illustrations by Jeff Albrecht.

Printed in China, March 2012

The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

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I n a world of corruption, lies, illicit affairs, and other policy agenda items, where every day the news reports yet another on-air gaffe or compelling reason to arrest one of our elected officials, one would think it difficult to even define what would be considered bizarre in American politics. Youd be wrong. Sure, run-of-the-mill bribing, lying, and behaving erratically are trs pass, but politicians are a giving people and they always, always find new and fascinating ways to make the news more horrifying and compulsively watch-able. Arent they just darling when they point their fingers, pound their fists, and vehemently deny their guilt? And then ten days, hours minutes later, its great fun to watch them scrunch up their faces and get all blustery when they have to apologize to whomever may have been hurt by their actions, and then resign. (Question: Is there a script politicians memorize when a scandal breaks? Just asking.)

But please, if youre one of the 20 to 50 percent of the population that votes, dont kick out your corrupt, philandering politician! Give him or her two, four, or six more years! Keep the late-night comedians in business. Give us something to watch on YouTube besides baby pandas and penguins. Keep us from having to look for literal train wrecks to command our attention. You see, its a symbiotic relationship. Politicians get to spend our tax money recklessly, break the law with impunity, and satisfy every primal urge that arises from their brain stems, but we get an equal amount in return. I mean, the entertainment value alone is worth double our national debt. Simply think about your taxes as part of your yearly entertainment budget. You pay for Netflix, so why shouldnt you pay for the reality show that keeps on giving: our political system? (Tired of hearing about the politician who dressed up in a tiger costume and texted the image to female staffers? Turn the channel. Look, hes about to deny he fathered his mistresss child!) Sure, well all be speaking Chinese in a couple of years, but hey, I think well all look back and say it was worth it.

From local elections to national scandals and least competent politicians to most outlandish behavior, Bizarre Politics has scanned the headlines from yesteryear to yesterday to bring you the very best moments in our political history. Youll laugh. Youll cry. Youll be tempted to move to Canada.

B efore you become a politician, you have to garner enough votes to be elected to something. That is, unless youre Gerald Ford, who became vice president and president without being elected. (He was House minority leader in 1973, when Vice President Spiro Agnew resigned over tax evasion and money-laundering charges, and was nominated to take Agnews spot. Less than a year later, President Richard Nixon resigned and Ford assumed the presidency.) Campaigns are grueling, taxing ordeals where you compromise every principle youve ever had, make promises you have no intentions of keeping, get in bed with whomever has the most votes, hold babies, shake hands, debate your adversaries, and smile until your jaw locks in that position. Of course, once elected, you are then held to the impossible standard of standing by your principles, keeping your promises, distancing yourself from strange bedfellows, and making serious faces in times of crisis. Win or lose, most candidates will count themselves lucky just to survive the process. That, and the fact that at least they didnt have to run against a mule and lose.

I am acutely aware that you have not elected me as your president by your ballots, and so I ask you to confirm me as your president with your prayers.President Gerald Ford

Ive now been in fifty-seven statesI think one left to go.Senator Barack Obama (D-Illinois, 20042008), on the 2008 presidential campaign trail far too long

If you dislike all the candidates running for a particular office, you can write in your own candidate. Voters used to express their dissatisfaction by choosing Mickey Mouse, the most popular protest vote in America. Well, times are a changin and now you can vote for cartoonish characters that are, nevertheless, real. By the way, you can check out Mickeys campaign site at www.mickeyforpresident.com, where you can join up and make a serious statement.

In 2003, during Californias recall election of Governor Gray Davis (D-California, 19992003), porn star Mary Carey threw her 36DD bra in the ring and ran for governor. The star of Cheerleader School, Dirty Girlz, and Lesbian Big Boob Bangeroo 2 promised to: legalize gay marriage, tax breast implants, make lap dances a tax-deductible expense, wire every room of the California governors mansion with webcams (We will create a pay site, and all money collected will go toward reducing the deficit. Californians will get to see their government in actionliterally! ), create a Porn for Pistols program to remove handguns from the states streets, recruit performers in the adult entertainment industry as goodwill ambassadors, mandate jury duty for all Californians collecting unemployment, and free the porn industry from government harassment. She came in tenth out of the more than 135 candidates and garnered more than 11,000 votes (.13 percent of the total).