Rhatigan - Bizarre History: Strange Happenings, Stupid Misconceptions, Distorted Facts and Uncommon Events

An Imagine Book
Published by Charlesbridge
85 Main Street, Watertown, MA 02472
(617) 926-0329
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Text and illustrations copyright 2011 by Charlesbridge Publishing, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Rhatigan, Joe.
Bizarre history / by Joe Rhatigan.
p. cm.
An Imagine bookT.p. verso.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-60734-419-3
1. HistoryAnecdotes. 2. BiographyAnecdotes. 3. Curiosities and wondersAnecdotes. I. Title.
D10.R485 2011
909dc22

2011006295

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INTRODUCTION
Village Idiots and Foundering Fathers

Thoughts about History
(from people smarter than me)

W henever I contemplate history, I imagine a dusty old guy with whiskers, a pipe, and a long, boring story that Im going to be forced to listen to and memorize. In fact, before I started this book, I had little idea of the depth and breadth of historys personality. History, you see, is actually a scandalous gossip and a born liar, prone to hyperbole and drunken outbursts. History parties hard and says rude things to the neighbors. Perhaps most of all, history is weird, bizarre, and (once you get rid of all the parts that youre only supposed to know because its good for you) fascinating!

Think of this book as historys unauthorized biography (preferably by Kitty Kelley)all the juicy bits without the historical relevance getting in the way of a good time. I mean, its all well and good that the Founding Fathers founded whatever it is they founded; however, its tremendous fun reading about how they foundered! Or what about the first balloon flight? It was a truly poignant moment in humankinds history (blah, blah, blah), but whats really cool is what happened when the cameras stopped rolling (I know, no cameras back then, but work with me here): The balloon landed miles away in a small village, and the locals, thinking they were being attacked by an airborne monster, tore it to pieces, tied it to the tail of a horse, and paraded the conquered beast up and down the road. Now thats history one can get excited about! Why? Not because those villagers were idiots (no matter what I call them), but because this totally awesome tidbit doesnt usually make it into the footnotes of history textbooks. And thats too bad, because those villagers actions tell us just as much about eighteenth century France as the actual balloon launch.

The stories I selected for Bizarre History dont attempt to make sense of the past, but they do show us how far weve come and the long journey we have yet before us.

Just kidding!

But seriously, we can learn from historyeven this drunken stepchild of history that revels in our foolish behavior over the thousands of years in which weve been taking notes as well as in the silly things we believe to be true today.

I n William Dean Howellss book My Mark Twain, he recounts a conversation with Twain about history. Howells said, I wonder why we hate the past so. Twain responded, Its so damned humiliating.

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.Mark Twain

That generations of historians have resorted to what might be called proof by haphazard quotation does not make the procedure valid or reliable; it only makes it traditional.Lee Benson, social historian

History is a myth that men agree to believe.Napoleon Bonaparte

History is the distillation of rumour.Thomas Carlyle, nineteenth-century Scottish writer

I dont believe the truth will ever be known, and I have a great contempt for history.George Meade, American philosopher

Myth, memory, historythese are three alternative ways to capture and account for an elusive past, each with its own persuasive claim.Warren I. Susman, historian

History in general is a collection of crimes, follies, and misfortunes among which we have now and then met with a few virtues, and some happy times.Voltaire

[Some historians hold that history] is just one damned thing after another.Arnold Toynbee, twentieth-century historian

History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who werent there.George Santayana, philosopher

History: An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.Ambrose Bierce, writer

For what is history, but huge libel on human nature, to which we industriously add page after page, volume after volume, as if we were holding up a monument to the honor, rather than the infamy of our species.Washington Irving The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.L. P. Hartley, writer

History: gossip well told.Elbert Hubbard, writer

God cannot alter the past, though historians can.Samuel Butler, nineteenth-century writer

Most history is guessing, and the rest is prejudice.Will and Ariel Durant, writers

I desire to go to hell and not to heaven. In the former place I shall enjoy the company of popes, kings, and princes, while in the latter are only beggars, monks, and apostles.Niccolo Machiavellis last words

Any fool can make history, but it takes a genius to write it.Oscar Wilde

S ometimes they were chosen by the people. Other times, by God (or so they say). Or they might have fought their way to the top. However it happened, a handful of people in the history of the world have ended up leading the rest of us. And these kings, queens, dictators, presidents, and more havent always acted in the best interests of the people. (Now theres a resounding understatement!) Sometimes theyre corrupt, demented, or delusional. Or, theyre crazy beyond belief.

In fact, history provides many, many (too many) examples of leaders acting in ways that would not adhere to any societal norms. Now, its one thing if our Aunt Ida has a screw loose; that just means we have to keep her away from the expensive china during holidays. Its a whole other thing if Aunt Ida is a prime minister, president, dictator, senator, queen, etc. Suddenly, her propensity for making her seventeen cats wear miniature hiking boots takes on a new significance. One would think that there were and are systems in place for keeping people like Aunt Ida from running large countries (or even small ones). But if you thought that, youd be wrong.

So here you have it: the funny, frightening, bizarre, and dysfunctional lives of the people who run the world for us. (God help us all.)

How nice to lead your country well and be bestowed with a nickname for eternity. For all intents and purposes, Catherine was indeed pretty great, and William sure did a lot to earn his moniker of Conqueror. But what if you werent so great and conquering?

Charles the Simple ruled France from 898922. He was the son of Louis the Stammerer. He succeeded his cousin, Charles the Fat.