Lawrence LaRose - Gutted: Down to the Studs in My House, My Marriage, My Life

Praise forGutted

"Not just for homeowners, but for any coupleor anybody, for that matterembarking on improvements in their relationships or environment, Gutted is the hilarious story of what happens when you strip away the familiar and get to the nuts and bolts of what building a life and home is all about."Paige Davis, host ofTrading Spaces,author ofPaige by Paige

"A good laugh and a fast read... very funny writing... By the time he ends up getting fired, having a baby and building his home, you find yourself rooting for his quirky dream."Wall Street Journal(Best Home Books 2004)

"Picasso once said, 'Every act of creation is first of all an act of destruction/ But for the gritty detail of how truly destructive that first phase can be, turn to Gutted."Christian Science Monitor

"If you've ever done even a little home renovation, you'll appreciate the blood, sweat and tears shed in Gutted... For all the nightmares LaRose endured, he can be wickedly funny; his sense of humor probably saved his marriage and his house."Fort WorthStar-Telegram

"The author, who the Los Angeles Times compares favorably to David Sedaris, has written a funny, lively book with a happy ending, and it'll make most of us glad we've got a roof over our heads as we read."Contra Costa Times

"In Gutted, Lawrence LaRose humorously proves that power tools either solve or cause almost all of life's problems."David Owen

"What a treat this book isl Lawrence LaRose's version of the Dream House Blues, which most of us have sung at one time or another, radiates wit, charm, eagerness to please, and a wonderfully funny honesty. It's as if Bertie Wooster were to move to a charming little ex-seaport full of eccentrics and learn enough to transform himself into a good Class B carpenter."Peter Straub

BY THE SAME AUTHOR

The Code: Time-Tested Secrets for Getting
What You Want fromWomen
Without Marrying Them!
(with Nate Penn)

GUTTED

DOWN TO THE STUDS IN MY HOUSE,
MY MARRIAGE, MY ENTIRE LIFE

LAWRENCE L A ROSE

BLOOMSBURY

Copyright 2004 by Lawrence LaRose

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information address Bloomsbury Publishing, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10010.

Published by Bloomsbury Publishing, New York and London
Distributed to the trade by Holtzbrinck Publishers

All papers used by Bloomsbury Publishing are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in well-managed forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

The Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows:

LaRose, Lawrence.
Gutted : down to the studs in my house, my marriage, my entire life /
Lawrence LaRose.
p. cm.
1. DwellingsRemodelingAnecdotes. 2. LaRose, LawrenceMarriage. 3. LaRose, LawrenceHumor. 4. LaRose, LawrenceHomes and hauntsNew York (State)Sag Harbor. 5. WritersHomes and hauntsNew York (State)Sag Harbor. 1. Title.
TH4816.L335 2004
646.7'8dc22
2004000722

First published in the United States by Bloomsbury Publishing in 2004
This paperback edition published in 2005

eISBN: 978-1-58234-574-1

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

Typeset by Hewer Text Ltd, Edinburgh
Printed in the United States of America
by Quebecor World Fairfield

For

Pamela Maraldo

Jeff Steele and Bob McKinnon

Joe and Sue Hine

Norman Stiles and Ellen Dillon.

They put a roof over our heads

when ours was open to the sky.

And especially, Susan.

With you I got into it,

And without you I

would not have made it out.

Before we can adorn our houses with beautiful objects the wallsmust be stripped, and our lives must be stripped.

Henry David Thoreau, Walden

I know not how itwasbut with the first glimpse of thebuilding, a sense of insufferable gbom pervaded my spirit.

Edgar Allan Poe, The Fall of the House of Usher

Ah, it is difficult to speak of what it was,

that savage forest, dense and difficult,

which even in recall renews my fear...

But to retell the good discovered there,

I'll also tell the other things I saw.

Dante Alighieri, The Divine Comedy

Contents

I'm looking at a picture of Susan on the front steps of our new home. She's peeking over her shoulder and smiling brightly. A front door carriage light dangles upside down from the siding. Despite the fact that she has a blue bucket and cleaning supplies in her arms, it's clear from her expression that this is a monumental day. Out of frame, I hold a bottle of champagne.

We made the forty-minute drive back from Riverhead, where we just had the house closing, in thirty minutes. With the keys in hand, we are ready to spruce up what now officiallyin all its romance and terroris ours. Tellingly, we are both carrying testaments to our ignorance. Susan grasps a mop that won't be used for ages. This house needs many things, but first on the list is not a good swabbing. But that is typical. Susan enthusiastically charges ahead in most projects thinking it all has to get done at some point, so what if we do the last step first? It'll look that much nicer in the process. Or something like that; I'm still learning how her head works.

For my part, I've bought a crowbar that is far too small. A joke crowbar. Thinking I was getting prepared, I bought a tool that I now see is no match for the job. This house cries for some judiciousah, hell, even injudiciousdemolition, but if I did it all with this dollhouse crowbar it would take us perhaps three decades.

Sound project management suggests we start with a small task, one we can reasonably accomplish, to build our confidence and direct us down the path to larger challenges. I grab the champagne.

'To our new house, our new life," I toast, raising a glass.

'To our new home,}) Susan underlines.

Glasses in hand we walk around the house, reintroducing ourselves to the innumerable charms of this small cape. Innumerable because there are none. Somehow, now that we own it, the house looks even dingier. It is sobering to think that we made the largest purchase of our lives, a decision that will affect us for years, having spent mere hours here. Fortunately, we don't yet know that our future will be defined by hurricanes of dust, fiberglass itches in intimate places, isolation, screaming subcontractors, mind-bending debt, backbreaking work, threats of divorce, and chickens. And that in the next two years, we will ask ourselves, with damnable frequency, "How the hell did this happen?"

Instead, we are drifting away from sobriety, the champagne slowly dulling the reality that is beginning to set in. There is a lot to undo, a lot to demolish, even before we begin to improve the place according to our dreams. To get our feet wet, we remove a few dust-encrusted blinds and tug like terriers at the primeval carpeting. An hour into our labors we have a pile in the dining area that is halfway up to the ceiling. It's clear that we're going to need a Dumpster, fast. The biggest one we can find. We finish the champagne and resolve to start in earnest tomorrow.

Maybe you've read one of those quaint recollections of renovation, typically set in a small town in New Hampshire or Vermont. The tale is plucky and determined, with romantic planning sessions and cheery design discussions followed by a newly minted fondness for getting one's hands dirty and muscles sore.