Jeff Foxworthy - Theres No Place Like (A Mobile) Home For The Holidays: A Redneck Christmas

Copyright 2004 by Jeff Foxworthy. Illustrations copyright 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992, 1999,
2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 by David Boyd. Redneck 12 Days of Christmas words and music by Jeff Foxworthy, James Scott Rouse, Doug Grau, and Timothy C. Wilson 1995 Max Laffs Publishing, Inc. (BMI), Shabloo Music (BMI), Boo N Bing Music (BMI), Wilson & DiPetta Publishing (ASCAP) (Administered by MCS America, Inc.). All Rights Reserved.

International Copyright Secured. Used by Permission. Twas the Night After Christmas by Jeff Foxworthy 1997 Jeff Foxworthy. Arranged and produced by James Scott Rouse and Doug Grau. All Rights Reserved. International Copyright Secured.

Used by Permission. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any otherexcept for brief quotations in printed reviews, without prior permission of the publisher. Published by Rutledge Hill Press, a Division of Thomas Nelson, Inc.,
P.O. Box 141000, Nashville, Tennessee 37214. Design by Anderson Thomas Design, Inc.
www.andersonthomas.com ISBN 1-4016-0194-4 Printed in the United States of America 04 05 06 07 08 5 4 3 2 1 Contents My guess is that family get-togethers have a lot to do with that.

Watching Uncle Ned dip his fingers in the onion dip and realizing that you two share DNA is enough to make Pollyanna depressed. Personally, I consider the holiday season a great time to gather new material. Its like hunting a baited field: decorations from beer companies and taxidermists, presents from yard sales, outfits that would embarrass Madonna, and For those of you who favor traditional Christmases, Ive included in this book the Redneck 12 Days of Christmas and my own Twas the Night After Christmas. Theres sure to be somebody at your get-together who can read without help, and after the eggnog is served, plenty of people will be willing to sing. So sit back, enjoy the fun, and have a very redneck Christmas! YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... you might be a redneck if... The town Santa is also
an Elvis impersonator. The town Santa is also
an Elvis impersonator.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... You serve the Christmas turkey on a platter
bearing Dale Earnhardts picture. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... Your Christmas tree came from an interstate median. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... Your nativity scene has people wearing camouflage.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... THE NEIGHBORS START A PETITION
OVER YOUR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... YOU USE A BUG LIGHT AS A CHRISTMAS DECORATION. YOUR KIDS CHRISTMAS LETTER TO SANTA
INCLUDED THE WORDS... OR ELSE.

YOU SHOT MISTLETOE OUT OF THE TREES IN YOUR YARD. YOU GAVE YOUR WIFE A
GLUE GUN FOR CHRISTMAS. You might be a redneck if... Youve ever shot a partridge out of a pear tree. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... For Christmas
you gave
your wife
a homemade
fur coat.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... YOU TAKE THE FAMILY CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING AT A YARD SALE. YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap. You might be a redneck if... Your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.

REDNECK 12 DAYS
OF CHRISTMAS Jeff Foxworthy, James Scott Rouse, Doug Grau, and Timothy C. Wilson Friend: WHOA! Somebody done been to the Wal-Mart! Jeff: No, man. This is just the stuff I got for Christmas. Friend: You cleaned up! Whatcha get? Choir: FIVE FLANNEL SHIRTS... Jeff: FOUR PIEDMONT TIRES,
THREE SHOTGUN SHELLS,
TWO HUNTIN DOGS,
AND SOME PARTS TO A MUSTANG GT. Friend: Jeff, I think you got gypped.

Theres TWELVE days to Christmas! Jeff: I know that. I got it covered. Look over there in the corner. Friend: Thats yours, too?!? Jeff: Yeah... ON THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, MY TRUE LOVE SENT TO ME... (WHEW). FIVE FLANNEL SHIRTS... FOUR PIEDMONT TIRES, THREE SHOTGUN SHELLS, TWO HUNTIN DOGS, AND SOME PARTS TO A MUSTANG GT. Friend: Man, them aint normal Christmas presents. Friend: Man, them aint normal Christmas presents.

Jeff: Naw, theyre redneck gifts. Friend: Redneck gifts? Jeff: Yeah, you know. Like if you bought your wife earrings that double as fishing lures. Or if you can burp the entire chorus of Jingle Bells.