Jeff Foxworthy - How to Really Stink at Golf

CONTENTS

Dedicated to John Hartt
B.H.

PREFACE

T hey say the first step toward dealing with any problem is to admit that you do, in fact, have a problem. In this case its your golf game and, quite honestly, it stinks.

There are things you can do to correct this problem. You could pay for expensive lessons and make endless trips to the range to practice. But that is time-consuming and will probably be fruitless in the end.

Besides, if you did become good at golf, think of the added pressure it would bring to your life. Youd have to travel to tournaments all the time, which would take you away from your family. Every morning youd have to rush out and get the paper to see where you stood in the world rankings. Youd have to create a space in your closet for a green jacket that youd never wear anywhere. It would just be a constant hassle.

So, with that in mind, embrace the fact that you do stink at golf.

Relieve yourself of the stress of breaking 70 or 80 or 90 or even 100. Do the things that will assure you that not only do you stink now, but you will really stink for the rest of your life. That, my friend, is an inner peace that surpasses all understanding.

PREGAME RITUALS

L ike anything worthwhile in life, a bad round of golf needs a solid foundation. If youre a drinker, a hangover and two hours of sleep is a good place to start.

If you dont drink, there are other things you can do to lay down a good foundation for a bad round of golf. Like eating at a Mexican restaurant thats received a score of 58 from the board of health. This will add not only discomfort but also a sense of urgency to your round. And it opens the door to creating a story that your buddies will tell for years to come.

TIP

In an emergency, a golf towel makes an excellent substitute for toilet paper.

DONT WARM UP

T ry to get to the golf course right at your tee time. This way you can avoid the hassle of warming up.

My theory is that youre only going to hit five good shots in the course of the day, so why waste one on the driving range? Isnt it better to start playing right away, rather than embarrassing yourself in front of yet more people? Of course it is.

And whatever you do, dont stretch. You might pull something.

HOW TO SCREW UP A GREAT DRIVE

I ts one of the greatest feelings in the world. People are watching. The pressures on. And you smack a drive straight and long down the middle of the fairway.

Now: Time to screw it up!

As you walk to your ball, keep telling yourself, Dont screw up your drive. If youre already talking to yourself on the second shot of the day, its a bad sign. And thats good. And since the next shot is such an important one, youre going to want to see where it goes right away. So as you swing through the ball, lift your head.

Hey, you may even hear yourself scream, I lifted my head! as your ball sails dead left with the arc of a banana. Congratulations, my friend: Youve set the table for another horrible round of golf.

TIP

Always focus on the negative. Any number of mistakes are possible when approaching the game this way!

THE GOLF CART

T ry to pick a cart that looks like its been through a war. Because with your game, its sure to have to go off-road at some point. If it barely has enough juice to make it up the first hill, whatever you do, dont turn around and exchange it for a better cart. This would not only eliminate stress from your day, it would rob you of a primo excuse for your crappy round later on.