Jeff Foxworthy - How to Really Stink at Work: A Guide to Making Yourself Fire-Proof While Having the Most Fun Possible

P erhaps you find the title of this book puzzling. Why on earth would anyone want to stink at his or her job? Think about it: We all stink at something, and I would much rather it be my job than sports or sex.

The opposite of stinking at your job is being really good at it, and that is where the trouble begins. Being really good at your job probably means you'll be promoted, which means increased responsibility. Are you going to let a bigger salary bribe you into being responsible? I didn't think so!

Besides, increased responsibility means longer hours. Shouldn't you want to work less? Isn't that what life is all about? After all, nobody on their deathbed says, I wish I had spent more time at the office.

Holding an important job means being accountable to management and possibly even stockholders. Who can have any fun with that kind of anvil hanging over your head?

If you follow our simple guidelines, you will probably never make very much money and you'll greatly disappoint your parents and spouse, but you'll also eliminate a ton of work-related stress, which means you'll live a very long time without very much money. The semi-rotten apple is yours for the taking.

CUTTING THE WORKDAY SHORT

B efore you can stink at your job, you have to secure a job. This process usually begins with the job interview. This is very important! Try to appear as normal and grounded as possible, at least for the interview. Smile a lot. You're trying to sell a product.

As you prepare your rsum, let the sky be the limit. Why waste years and a fortune actually getting a PhD at Harvard when you can just say you did? Employers like to hire people who have experience in their chosen field, so tell them what they want to hear. Just get the job.

To make yourself even more attractive as a potential employee, it is wise to spice up the personal/special skills part of your rsum. Claim to have served in the Peace Corps, say you can drive an excavator and, incidentally, that you climbed Mount Kilimanjaro (twice). Sounds good, right? Very impressive? Don't stop nowyou're on a roll!

Tell them you have a black belt, play classical violin, and can speak four languages. Name it and claim it! They will be excited about having you on board for now.

N ow that you have the job, the real challenge begins. You have to give your bosses a reason not to fire you. One method is to do your job so well and with such enthusiasm that they would never dream of letting you go. Don't get caught in that trap.

The other option is to make it more of a mind game. Make them believe that you would not hesitate to bring a lawsuit against them. In fact, mentioning people you have sued and settlements you have won will create a buzz in management that will only help you down the road. From where the bosses sit, still having to deal with someone years after they've been fired doesn't make anyone's Monday mornings any easier.

As you weigh this decision, don't forget that the third option is to work really hard.

Every day.

For years and years and years and years.

You have to create a foundation that will make you unfireable for as long as you choose to remain there. Which, in effect, makes you the boss!

Now is the time to convince management that you are unstable. This, my friend, is the key to job security.

O ne way to become unfireable is to appear to have a serious injury or life-threatening illness. Firing someone in that condition is just begging for a lawsuit and/or bad publicity. If you weren't blessed with a medical condition, you will have to create the illusion that you were. Use their fear to your advantage. Here are a few ways to get started:

• When asked where you are going on vacation, meekly reply, The Mayo Clinic.

• Purchase the largest pillbox you can find and fill it with Skittles. Make a big production of going to the water fountain every half hour or so to take your medication. No one with an ounce of decency would ask such an obviously sick person to do anything extra. Just the fact that you are trying to work creates sympathy and pushes others ahead of you in the firing line.

• A neck brace, plain and simple, is money well spent. It alludes to a serious injury that can get worse at any time. And because it's so hard and painful to turn your head, no one will call your name to ask you to do anything. All for the amazing low price of $39.95! You may also want to suggest that the neck brace is the result of your slip in the break room. The truth? No. Security? Absolutely.

• Another bonus of the neck brace is that it will make people avoid you, guaranteed! First of all, nobody wants to open Pandora's box by asking, What happened? (Caution: Have a spectacular story ready just in case i.e., you fell off a nine-story building, you were hit by a train, a meteor fell on your house, etc., etc.)