Dena Harris - Who Moved My Mouse?: A Self-Help Book for Cats (Who Dont Need Any Help)

Dena Harris
Americas Cat Humorist

and Mr. Nom-Noms
Americas Most Know-It-All-Expert on Everything

Copyright 2010 by Dena Harris
Illustrations copyright 2010 by Ann Boyajian

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Ten Speed Press, an imprint of the
Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
www.tenspeed.com

Ten Speed Press and the Ten Speed Press colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Harris, Dena.
Who moved my mouse? : a self-help book for cats (who dont need any help) / by Dena Harris. 1st ed.
p. cm.
Summary: This self-help guide will empower cats to make the 20 minutes theyre awake each day the best 20 minutes of their livesProvided by publisher.
1. CatsHumor. 2. CatsMiscellanea. I. Title.
PN6231.C23H29 2010
818.602dc22
2010008796
eISBN: 978-1-58008-706-3

v3.1

Contents

CHAPTER ONE:
A Cats Conversations with God

CHAPTER TWO:
Purrsonality Profile

CHAPTER THREE:
How to Win Friends and Influence Dog People

CHAPTER FOUR:
Who Moved My Mouse? An Amazing Path to Declare Revenge on Those Who Dare Disturb What Is Yours

CHAPTER FIVE:
Dont Sweat the Small Stuff But Feel Free to Freak Out Over Anything That Moves Suddenly
or Without Warning

CHAPTER SIX:
Nice Cats Dont Get the Corner Litter Box

CHAPTER SEVEN:
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Cats

CHAPTER EIGHT:
The Fur Agreements

CHAPTER NINE:
A Cats Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

BONUS CHAPTER:
The Secret

The secret of success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

Author unknown (but probably a cat)

FROM MR. NOM-NOMS

First, Id like to acknowledge my superiority and thank all of you for doing the same. That about covers it, but the human who did absolutely no work on this book except to transcribe, type, edit, and assemble it (and dole out the occasional tuna treat when inspiration ran low) wishes to say a few words as well. I cant be expected to hang around for that. Bored now. Leaving. Good-bye.

FROM THE HUMAN

Its harder than you might think to look someone in the eye and admit your latest project is a self-help book for cats. (But sometimes when you do, people feel sorry for you and give you grocery money.) Many thanks to the following feline-loving friends who not only kept a straight face when told about the book but encouraged and assisted in its creation along the way. In no particular order, paws up to Ron Culberson, Trisha Emish, Edmund Schubert, Laine Cunningham, Tom Barker, Rudy Daugherty Clark, Daniel Shirley, Pam Cable, and Christopher Laney.

Purrs and head butts to Winifred Golden with Castiglia Literary Agency for taking on the book, and for her willingness to accept and respond to email with subject lines like Re: What do you think of this joke about cat litter?

Many thanks to Ten Speed Press and my wonderful editor, Lisa Westmoreland.

And, finally, a special thanks to Lucy and Olivia, who remind me daily that cats are purrfect and dont need my help.

Y ou are about to listen in on an extraordinary conversation. A conversation you may think isnt possible.

What if you were offered the chance to quiz God and ask all of the questions youve ever had about existence: why rocking chairs are allowed to exist, where the feather on a stick really goes when its slid under the couch, and why your humans refuse to recognize the goldfish as sushi, for starters.

What if God answered you? (And it wasnt just the catnip talking.)

When patrolling the underside of chairs and swatting the TV remote to regions unknown fails to bring about the normal glow of satisfaction, thats when you notice the ache in your heart. Something is missing. This conversation will replace it. Heal it. Or, at the very least, it will temporarily distract you until an innocent little bird (read: afternoon snack) shows up in your yard.

Are you ready? God has something to say to you.

Dear God, what is the purpose of the dog? Ive wracked my brain and all I could come up with was well, nothing. Nada. Nil. No comprendo.

I have created a world of polarity. There can be no up without down, no black without white, no meows without barks. Dogs serve to maintain this polarity. For cats to be revered as elegant, refined, and superior, there must be a clumsy, crude, substandard species through which to offer a relevant comparison. Dogs serve my purpose of showcasing the feline as my highest creation.

Then why does Dog spelled backward equal God?

That was an oversight on my part. Horrible mistake. Lots of confusion resulting from that oneIm still trying to sort it out. My apologies.

Will leaving small animal offerings on my humans back porch earn me bonus points in Heaven?