Dena Harris - Does This Collar Make My Butt Look Big?: A Diet Book for Cats

In less time than it takes to cough up a hairball, you too can be fit, feline, and fabulous!

Copyright 2013 by Dena Harris
Illustrations copyright 2013 by Ann Boyajian

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Ten Speed Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
www.tenspeed.com

Ten Speed Press and the Ten Speed Press colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Harris, Dena.
Does this collar make my butt look big? : a diet book for cats / Dena Harris. First edition.
pages cm
Includes index.
Summary: This diet-guide parody shows extra furry cats how to get svelte with kitty-specific versions of popular weight-loss and fitness regimes like the Zone, South Beach, Mayo Clinic, and French Women Dont Get Fat (But Their Cats Do) Provided by publisher.
1. CatsHumor. 2. DietHumor. I. Title.
PN6231.C23H28 2013
818.602dc23
2012050586

Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-60774-489-4
eBook ISBN: 978-1-60774-490-0

by Blair Harris

v3.1_r1

For All the Fat Kitties Out There

The scale doesnt lie but we suspect the vet tech we scratched earlier is adding weight on with her thumb.

A diet book for cats? Brilliant. Whats next? A motivational book for slugs? Lets not create problems where there are none, people. Big is beautiful. And so Id like to thank everyone who had a paw in making me the cat I am today: my brothers from another mother, Ben & Jerry; my super-sweet Aunt Jemima; Mrs. Paul; the wild man from the hood, Capn Crunch; Little Debbie (sup girl?); Howard Johnson; Slim Jim; Little Caesar (Vegas, baby!); Russell Stover; and my main what happens in the back alley stays in the back alley partner in crime, Jimmy Dean. You have all touched my heart. At least thats what my cardiologist tells me.

And dont go thinking Im endorsing this book, because Im not. Sorry you wasted your money. Maybe you should have spent it on a gym membership insteadyou seem to have a bit of a muffin top going on there. Mmm muffins. Good-bye.

Feline obesity is no joke. Unless I can profit from it in some way. Then its extraordinarily funny.

I owe a world of thanks to many people. To my writing buddiesChristopher Laney, Steve Cushman, Edmund Schubert, Daniel Shirley, Rudy Daugherty, and the Madison Writers Groupthanks for always being there and helping me brainstorm twenty different ways to say regurgitate. Props to Ron Culberson for early edits and puns. Love to best friend Trisha for feeding every stray cat that comes to her door. Shout out to the Sole Sisters for keeping me running when I insisted that eating a pound of dark chocolate dipped in almond butter was research for my latest cat diet book. And hugs to my mom, dad, and sister for making everyone they know buy my books.

To Winifred Golden at Castiglia Literary Agency and Lisa Westmoreland at Ten Speed Pressauthors like to moan about how the good old days of being supported and nurtured by agents and editors are long gone. I cant relateIve got a great team on my side.

Im grateful to own (or be owned by) two fat cats, because without them, this book might not have happened.

And finally, there are no words to express my love and gratitude to my husband, Blair Harris. Thanks for letting me live the dream. Also, the cats dishes are empty again. Fill them up, would you babe?

Cheers,

Dena

Does This Collar Make My Butt Look Big? is the book for any cat hoping to transform into a lean, mean, sleeping machine. While other diet and exercise books encourage a healthy lifestyle based on portion control and exercise, this book promotes the more feline-friendly approach of returning your calories to the earth (also known as blowing chunks).

This book is also a wake-up call for cats who just need to be, you know awake. (Seriously, some of what were saying here is important. Get up.)

Want to be as strong as a professional mouser? Ready to admit that hot and sexy belly thats been dragging on the floor the last few years maybe isnt so hot and sexy? On the following pages youll find a stash of easy-to-use purractical tips such as:

Eat whatever you want. Just do what cats have done for centuries and disgorge a small mound of bones, fur, and grass someplace your humans will be sure to step in it.

Work in light cardio. Twice daily, increase your heart rate by running in frenzied circles around the house as if youre being chased by a cat burglar or a veterinarian with a thermometer.

Seek out fresh, local food. Protein still in its final death throes is always healthiest like that vole in the backyard.

If youre ready for these secrets and more, keep reading. In less time than it takes to groom your backside, you too can be fit, feline, and fabulous!

Lets be honest. If youre reading this book, chances are youre sporting a little junk in the kitty trunk. But are you actually overweight? Find out by rating your body using these definitions:

Plump. The ground shakes when you approach. Not because people fear you, but just because youre approaching.

Stocky. It takes two or three leaps and a complicated system of grappling hooks for you to summit the bed.

Obese. If we could tie a string to you and make you float, youd fit right into the Macys Thanksgiving Day parade.

fat.

It should come as no surprise that our feline ancestors, such as the vole desserts.)

These days, pampered cats are more likely to snort a bowl of Friskies Party Mix than to take down a grizzly. (Although snorting Friskies has made more then one cat hallucinate they were taking down a grizzly, only to wake up the next morning in a compromising position with the dogs Kong Teddy Bear toy. About that, perhaps the less said, the better.) In fact, more than 50 percent of felines are overweightwhich of course means that 50 percent of felines are normal or underweight. How you see it depends on whether youre a the bowl is half empty or the bowl is half full kind of cat. Since youre reading a diet book, youre probably a the bowl is always empty kind of catwhich reminds us: FEED ME.

How does this affect you? Youve got your blankie, your sunbeam, and unlimited access to the naughty cable channels while your humans are at work. Why should you care about being overweight? Because issues linked to obesity include diabetes, stroke, heart attack, and the mortification that comes with having to be weighed on the livestock scale behind the veterinarians office.

So where to begin? The first step (calm downyou dont actually have to stand up and go anywhere) is to test your knowledge. odyssey begin.