Tammy Horvath - Gone in an Instant: Losing my son. Loving his killer.

Copyright 2022 by Tammy Horvath

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced without written permission from the publisher except in the case of quotations in reviews.

ISBN: 978-1-7368861-0-6 (Paperback)

ISBN: 978-1-7368861-1-3 (eBook)

ISBN: 978-1-7368861-2-0 (Audiobook)

Gone in an Instant reflects my experiences before and after the death of my son. While some names were changed, the people and events are true. Some dialogue was recreated from memory. Nothing was written with the intent of hurting any individual or reader. The opinions expressed in this book are my own.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.

Scripture quotations marked (AMP) are taken from the Amplified Bible, Copyright 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987, by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Author photo by Crookston Photography

Editing by Jeanette Windle

Proofread by Rebecca Faith

Cover by The Book Designers

Printed in the United States of America

TYH Publications

117 Forest Street

Sidman, PA 15955

In Loving Memory of Luke Jacob Yuzwa

January 24, 1998August 2, 2017

I was very blessed to have Luke in my life for the nineteen years God loaned him to me. He is now back with his Creator and finally at peace. I will forever love and miss him.

E very morning when I rise from my bed, I notice all the places Luke is missing from. Hes not hanging out in my spotless living room, making the cat jump for the toy just out of reach, making me laugh. Hes not in his messy bedroom where his deodorant, razor, and cigarettes lie right where he left them.

He is gone.

On August 2, 2017the day Ill never forgeta murderers bullet ended my nineteen-year-old sons life. Why did God allow this to happen?

I never could have survived the following days, weeks, months, and years without Gods deep love and comfort. And while I was angry a stranger would murder my son, I never once felt hatred for the killer. Gods Word tells us:

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Do not take revenge, my dear friends. (Rom. 12:17, 19)

I chose to forgive my sons killer for what he took from me.

Throughout my life Ive made so many mistakes undeserving of forgiveness, and yet I was forgiven. At fifteen, I rebelled against God and my parents to be with the charming twenty-four-year-old predator who would become my husband and the father of my son. Ignoring good advice and Gods strong warnings, I left my difficult home situation, only to find that the man of my dreams was a clone of my alcoholic father, whom I had run away from.

My one joy in this nightmare was Luke. For years, I endured my husbands infidelity, alcoholism, abuse, and criminal activity until one night he was killed in a car crash. At twenty-eight years of age, I found myself widowed, a single mother to my very young child. The heavenly Father Id rebelled against became my only hope.

Eighteen years later, just when my son reached the prime of his life, the unspeakable happened and he was gone.

The most unexpected thing took place when I faced my sons killer and told him directly that I forgave him. My heart broke for himthis total stranger who seemed little more than a boy himself. Through my pain, by Gods grace, I felt a flood of love for my sons murderer. I wasnt just making a public declaration of forgiveness. Forgiveness flowed through every fiber of my soul. With it, came peace.

I had never thought of myself as a writer, but God had a different plan in calling me to write this book. Gone in an Instant: Losing My Son, Loving His Killer doesnt just chronicle the agonizing events of my sons death but follows my own journey to faith, forgiveness, love, and renewed hope. Ultimately, its about how I learned to live each day to honor my sons memory and to serve God with the assurance that he will use my sons death for good, because that is what our heavenly Father does.

Forgiveness is not easy; it takes a lot of work, but the end result makes it all worthwhile.

Do you struggle to forgive but cant figure out how?

Do you want to be free, once and for all, of all the things you havent forgiven yourself for?

Have you lost a loved one and cant find healing for your pain?

Do you feel God has abandoned you or was never with you in the first place?

If so, you are the person for whom I wrote this book. As you read, may God comfort you with the comfort he has given me.

W ednesday, August 2, 2017, had been a hot and humid day. At 5:00 p.m., Id just returned home from my job at a real estate office when the phone rang. I didnt recognize the number.

Hey, Mom, can you come get me and give me a ride home?

Where are you and whose number are you calling from?

Luke explained he was at the house of a friend in East Conemaugh, a small borough about fifteen minutes from my home in Sidman, near Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I need a ride home so I can pick up a few things. Then I need you to bring me back here.

Inwardly, I groaned. It had been a long, hard day at work. I was exhausted. Besides, East Conemaugh was known for drug-dealing, youth gangs, and violent crime that exceeded the national average. Although Luke had placed his faith in Jesus Christ in his younger years, by his teens hed started abusing drugs and alcohol and getting involved in drug-dealing behaviors that mirrored his birth fathers.

On that day, I thought he had moved past that. He was working hard at odd jobs, hoping to save enough to move into his own place. But I still worried. When I tried to warn him about the people and places he visited, how dangerous his choices could become, he shrugged me off. He seemed to believe himself invincible. How could I get through to him? He was the most important person in this world to me, the reason I got out of bed every morning.

Nothing I said worked. As Luke reminded me often, he was an adult, and I couldnt control his behavior and choices.

Still, I put my foot down.

If you want a ride home, Ill gladly come get you. But Im not driving you back. You come home, you stay home.

Never mind then. Ill just find another way.

Luke didnt sound upset, but I, a codependent who grew up with an alcoholic father, reacted as I usually did. I began apologizing. Look, Im sorry. Its just that its been a long day, and Im really tired.

Its not a big deal, he cut in. Looking back, was he as weary of my need to feel needed, my exaggerated sense of responsibility, as I was? Ill figure something out. He paused, then added more gently, I love you, Mom.