To Dan, Lars, Jesper, Vibeke, Loie, Jeff, Michelle, Miranda, Greg, Shaun, and Kate as well as anyone I may be forgetting who, over the past thirty years, repeatedly sat down to watch bad movies with me. (And I offer apologies for the times I had to trick you.)
INTRODUCTION
From when I was in my early teens, about the time we were the first family in our neighborhood to have a VCR, I've had a strange fascination with what People of Taste call bad movies. Whether it's weak plots or just nonsensical storylines; whether it's acting on the level of a bad high school play; whether it's special effects created in someone's kitchen with a Mixmaster and a bottle of ketchup; whether it's technical incompetence on the part of some or all members of the crew; or whether it's a mind-shattering combination of all of the above, there is something magical about bad movies. Something that makes them worth the sometimes considerable effort to sit through.
After watching and reviewing thousands of movies that even the most charitable reviewer would describe as pathetic, I've concluded that the reason we keep coming back to bad movies and the people who make them because, as you will see, there are filmmakers whose long lists of credits don't contain a single good movie is because for every minute of film time that is completely unwatchable, there are ten that are full of creative insanity that the makers of mainstream movies wouldn't dare to put on screen.
We, the lovers of bad movies, dig through the piles of trash, looking for those shining gems of pure cinematic magic. We prefer that quest over the blandness and uniformity of the good movie and its adherence to standards determined by convention and critical fiat.
Despite the derogatory things I say about the films in this book, I have great respect for the men and women who created them. A lot of work goes into filming even the worst movies. Movie making is hard, time-consuming labor, no matter what role the professional plays in its creation. The act of finishing a film and getting it before an audience is worthy of respect particularly in the fifties and sixties, when many of these movies were made, a time when movie-making was even more backbreaking than today.
Although the movies in this book are uniformly awful, I number some of them among my all-time favorites. 1941, The Black Cat, Dead Alive, Hideous, and Mask of Fu Manchu are but a few of the dozen or so films in this book that I recommend to any-one who has trashy taste like me. In fact, in spite of this book's title, I suspect that someone out there will find every one of these films a guilty pleasure. (Except, possibly, for the films discussed in Chapter 15. These movies were probably included in the CIA's arsenal of harsh interrogation techniques.)
So though my critical alarm bells go off when a bad movie hits the screen, I have to confess that often the film finds a visceral response. My respect for a movie doubles when the film is entertaining even if that entertainment may be of a different kind than its creators intended.
In particular, I want to express special gratitude to the people who worked on more than one of the movies discussed in this book, be they filmmakers or actors. Often I seek out work by these people, no matter how bad their films are by critical standards.
If you want to share your opinion on a film discussed in this book, please visit my website at www.moviesyoushouldnotsee.com. I enjoy hearing what other aficionados of trash movies have to say about them, and even more I love recommendations for what I should see next.
I hope to get to know you all through the wonders of computer technology!
CHAPTER ONE
EXHIBITS IN THE BAD MOVIE MUSEUM
If you ask a film buff to name five bad movies, at least one of the following is likely to be on his or her list. Some are so bad they're good, while others are, well, just plain bad.
BATTLEFIELD EARTH: A SAGA OF THE YEAR 3000
Franchise Pictures/Morgan Creek Productions/Warner Bros., 2000
PRODUCERS Jonathan D. Krane, Ellie Samaha, and John Travolta
WRITERS Corey Mandell and J. D. Shapiro (based on a novel by L. Ron Hubbard)
DIRECTOR Roger Christian
STARS John Travolta (Terl), Barry Pepper (Jonnie Goodboy Tyler), and Forest Whitaker (Ker)
For 1,000 years, the monstrous aliens known as Psychlos have ruled Earth, plundering its natural resources and slowly driving humanity ever closer to extinction. Now, the arrogance and greed of embittered Psychlo security chief Terl (Travolta) and the unbreakable spirit of a young man named Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Pepper) will clash and give humanity one last chance for survival. It's the Final Battle, and one species will live while another will die.
Why It Sucks
Battlefield Earth is very much like the L. Ron Hubbard novel it's based on. It's waaaay too long, and the longer it drags on, the more ridiculous it becomes. The only way to get through this film is to park your brain at the door, because the story starts out silly and by the time the climactic battle rolls around it's galloped all the way into drooling blather. Even the battle scenes can't help the movie get over trying to stretch 70 minutes of moderate excitement into 120 minutes. And the whole thing is punctuated by bad special-effect shots, characters running about aimlessly, and John Travolta in dreadlocks.
Thumbs Down Rating:
The Crappies