Henry N. Beard - The Dick Cheney Code: A Parody

CHAPTER 1

WILLIAM FRANKLIN watched the hotel television with the eye of a dedicated researcher long attuned to the fascinating possibilities of early twenty-first-century American filmmaking. The surprisingly large-busted heroines of Project Hot Bod: Bimbos of the Kyoto Protocol had reacted to the threat of global warming with laudable ingenuity by removing their bikini tops and joining the hunky surfers in an impressive effort to construct a formidable array of sandcastles as a first line of defense against the rising sea level. Judging by the bulges in the dudes Speedos, some additional hard information regarding the unforeseen consequences of widespread climatological change would be emerging shortly.

The bedside telephone rang with an insistent purr. Franklin looked at his counterfeit Rolex with annoyance. It was 1:30 AM , give or take half an hour. Probably a wrong number. Why do publishers always stick me in these cheesy chain hotels?

Franklin paused the videotape and grabbed the hand-set. Yes?

Professor Franklin, said a chirpy voice, this is Todd at the front desk. There are some, uh, policemen here looking for you.

Franklin instinctively punched the rewind button and switched the channel to PBS. When you are Professor of American Popular History, Urban Mythology, and Supermarket Tabloid Science at Howard Hughes College in Rancho Melanoma, California, as well as Director of the Harding Institute of Paranoid Studies and Chairman of the Tricoastal Center for Lowbrow Culture, Folklore, and Taproom Wagers, a sense of the dignity of ones position requires constant attention to appearances.

There must be some mistake, said Franklin. I had merely inquired of the young lady in your handsomely appointed cocktail lounge if she would like to join me in a simple experiment I am conducting for a paper to be entitled Casual Intergender Social Interaction in Hotel Cocktail Lounges on Business Tripsno harm intended.

The voice on the phone changed. Professor, this is Agent Dan Fine of the Department of Homeland Security. We need your immediate assistance in a matter of the utmost urgency.

Agent Fine, Franklin stammered, there must be some mistake. Im just a college professor.

You can come right down, or we can come up, said Fine in a tone that Franklin remembered from the drill sergeants in his basic training unit at Fort Dix, where for some unknown reason he had been selected to receive special training in Chemical, Biological, and Radiological Warfare. Strange that he would recall that odd fact at this particular moment, but then he did hold a degree in Explanatory Dialogue and Story Advancement from UCLA.

Franklin looked around the room at some of the materials he had been examining for his paper on Sexually Stimulating Miscellanea. The life-size bimbo doll was not going to be easy to deflate.

Ill be right down, he said.

The Georgetown Ambassador Suites Hotel had a tacky if grandiose lobby designed to hold long lines of people waiting to check in behind zigzagging rows of velvet ropes. At this hour of the morning, it was deserted, save for the slightly incongruous sight of four uniformed agents of the Transportation Security Agency setting up what looked like a typical airport screening barrier, complete with walk-through metal detector, carry-on-luggage X-ray device, collapsible metal picnic tables with a stack of large square gray rubber trays, and a couple of folding chairs.