Gerd De Ley - Irish Wit, Wisdom and Humor: The Complete Collection of Irish Jokes, One-Liners & Witty Sayings

Des Bishop Ireland is a little Russia in which the longest way round is the shortest way home. George Moore Ireland is the only place in the world where procrastination takes on a sense of urgency. Dave Allen Ireland is a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent. Hugh Leonard Ireland - Americas 52nd state. Noel Browne Ireland, the geographers tell us, is an island three hundred miles long and a hundred and fifty miles thick. Niall Toibin Ireland is the old sow that eats her farrow.

James Joyce Irishmen are street angels and house devils. Edna OBrien What is an Irishman but a mere machine for converting potatoes into human nature? Edward Kenealy A true Irishman is a fellow who would trample over the bodies of twelve naked women to reach a pint of porter. Sean OFaolain Irish atheistone who wishes to God he could believe in God. John P. Mahaffy An Irish bull is always pregnant. John P.

Mahaffy Irish cocktaila pint of Guinness with a potato in it. Henry Kelly Dublin is a city where you can see a sparrow fall to the ground, and God watching it. Conor Cruise OBrien Irish farmera man out standing in his own field. Des MacHale Foreplay, in Ireland, is the technical term for taking your socks off. Joe OConnor Funerals are Irelands most frequent and important carnivals. John Mc Gahern The best live entertainment in Ireland is a funeral.

Des MacHale An Irish gentleman may be defined as someone wholl hold the door open while his wife is taking the bins out. Donal McCann Have you been to Donegal? What a town. You plug in your shaver and the street lights dim. Hal Roach The ideal sexual experience in Ireland is simultaneous headaches. Stephen Boyd Irish intellectualone who goes to an art gallery when it isnt raining. Peter Hornby Irish literary movementtwo writers on speaking terms with one another.

Hugh Leonard Irelands roundabouts are a kind of vehicular Pamplona. David Monaghan I once saw a road sign in Ireland that said, Warning: this is a one-way cul-de-sac at both ends. Spike Milligan I once saw this sign on an Irish lift: Please do not use this when it is not working. Spike Milligan There are no advantages to being a tax exile domiciled in Ireland. What you save on tax, you spend on drink. Spike Milligan The Irish love to be loved, except by each other.

David Kenny Funerals in Ireland are so jolly they should be called funferalls. James Joyce Its not that the Irish are cynical; its simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody. Brendan Behan When you ask someone for directions in Ireland you get a story, not directions. Louis Marcus Dublins public transport system is called the DART, which stands for Dublin Area Rapid Transport. Its just as well were not Florence. Kim Bielenberg The only times I ever knew the buses of Dublin to go fast is when Im running for them.

Brendan Behan Dublin is turning into the largest car park in Europe. Brendan OCarroll Ireland has one of the worlds heaviest rainfalls. If you see an Irishman with a tan, its rust. Dave Allen To marry the Irish is to look for poverty. J.P. John B. John B.

Keane A play about sex in Ireland is always ahead of its time. John B. Keane Being Irish in New York has a perennial cachet, but while I lived there it was actually groovy. Marian Keyes Every St. Patricks Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to. Shane Leslie The Irish Republic tonight at midnight.

Hilton Edwards piously thanked God that England was free at last from 700 years of Irish domination. Michel Mac Liammir The main reason why the Irish took to Catholicism so easily was the ability of its founder to turn water into wine. Des MacHale Let me make a prediction now: the twenty-first century will be the Age of the Irish. Mary McAleese The Irish are very emotional. My mother cries during beer commercials. Barry McCaffrey My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Patrick Monahan God created alcohol just to stop the Irish from ruling the world. Patrick Murray Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland: rich and thick. Samuel Beckett When I die I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin. J.P. Donleavy Dear dirty Dublin. James Joyce The rain in Ireland actually saves many lives.

It makes the ammunition wet. Dave Allen There was never sex in Ireland before television. Oliver J. Flanagan The tragedy of Northern Ireland is that it is now a society in which the dead console the living. Jack Holland Maybe England was the mother of parliaments but she was also the wicked stepmother of Ireland. John B.

Keane In Ireland theres a precedent for everything. Except common sense. Benedict Kiely If you do somebody in Ireland a favour, you make an enemy for life. Hugh Leonard In Ireland the inevitable never happens but the impossible always does. John P. Mahaffy In England Im regarded as an alcoholic.

In Ireland they see me as a sissy drinker. Shane MacGowan Men have been dying for Ireland since the beginning of time and look at the state of the country. Frank McCourt They should never have shared the Nobel Peace Prize between two people from Northern Ireland. They will only fight over it. Graham Norton The typical west of Ireland family consists of father, mother, twelve children and resident Dutch anthropologist. Flann OBrien An Irish farmer, to cover the possibility of unexpected visitors, can often be found eating his dinner out of a drawer.