Gerd de Ley - Canadian Wit, Wisdom & Humour: The Complete Collection of Canadian Jokes, One-Liners & Witty Sayings

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Interior Design by Carolyn Kasper Printed in the United States 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Dedicated to
Kathleen Vande Sype,
my Canadian niece

T HIS COMPILATION contains some 1,000 quotations, aphorisms and witty remarks from Canadian (and Canadian-born) authors, politicians, journalists, actors, scientists, and what I would call occasional aphorists. While the scope of the wisdom contained is broad and varied, it proves beyond all doubt that Canada is a land rich in wit and culture; a nation which proves beyond all doubt that no country gets poorer by immigration. Many thanks to David Potter, who helped me with translations for the French-speaking Canadians. I hope that the reader enjoys this collection as much as I did while compiling it. Gerd de Ley To be apt in quotations is a splendid and dangerous gift. Splendid, because it ornaments a mans speech with other mens jewels; dangerous, for the same reason.

R OBERTSON D AVIES

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Canada is the linchpin of the English-speaking world. W INSTON C HURCHILL Canada is going to be a great country when they finish unpacking it. A NDREW H. M ALCOLM I dont trust any country that looks around a continent and says, Hey, Ill take the frozen part. J ON S TEWART Canadian money is also called the loony. How can you take an economic crisis seriously? R OBIN W ILLIAMS My grandfather avoided the Holocaust with his ability to hide, and by not being Jewish, and by living in Canada his entire life.

J ON D ORE Canada is all right, really, though not for the whole weekend. H.H. M UNRO Canada? I dont even know what street its on. A L C APONE Canada is an entire country named Doug. G REG P ROOPS When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, Well, what do you need? S TEVEN W RIGHT Canadians are Americans with no Disneyland.

M ARGARET M AHY Canadian girls are so pretty its a relief now and then to see a plain one. M ARK T WAIN

I come from Canada, one of the friendliest places in the world. I dont get angry. I shimmy. P HIL N ICHOL Canadas quest for gold has shuffled the market to a standstill. Only the Americans are left to trade the market because their game doesnt start until later.

T OM G REEN The Canadian flags supposed to be a symbol of powerits a leaf! Yeah, dont mess with us or well dry up and blow away! J EREMY H OTZ Each little Province is a little nation by itself. C HARLES T UPPER To be complex does not mean to be fragmented. This is the paradox and the genius of our Canadian civilization. A DRIENNE C LARKSON The wit of a graduate student is like champagne. Canadian champagne. R OBERTSON D AVIES Some people achieve happiness and some just live in Toronto.

E MILY M URPHY Canada: Americas attic. P ATRICK A NDERSON Canada is the vichyssoise of nationsits cold, half French, and difficult to stir. S TUART K EATE Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain. P IERRE T RUDEAU Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women. R ICHARD B ENNER Canada is a country of ingredients without a cuisine; were a country with musicians without an indigenous instrument; Torontos a city that doesnt even have a dish named after it.

M IKE M YERS Canada has never been a melting pot; more like a tossed salad. A RNOLD E DINBOROUGH Canada could have enjoyed:
English government,
French culture,
and American know-how.
Instead it ended up with:
English know-how,
French government,
and American culture. J OHN R OBERT C OLOMBO If the national mental illness of the United States is megalomania, that of Canada is paranoid schizophrenia. M ARGARET A TWOOD Canada has only two seasons: winter and July. R OBERT H OLLIER Canada is a collection of ten provinces with strong governments loosely connected by fear. D AVE B ROADFOOT Canada Post doesnt really charge 32 cents for a stamp.

Its 2 cents for postage, and 30 cents for storage. G ERALD R EGAN The huge advantage of Canada is its backwardness. M ARSHALL Mc LUHAN Canada is the only country in the world that knows how to live without an identity. M ARSHALL Mc LUHAN France has culture but no civilization. England has civilization but no culture. The United States has neither.

Canada has both. R OBIN M ATHEWS Coming from Canada, being a writer and Jewish as well, I have impeccable paranoia credentials. M ORDECAI R ICHLER An optimist in Canada is someone who thinks things could be worse. P RESTON M ANNING The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: Keeping the Americans out, keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear. W ILL F ERGUSON Canadian: a fellow who has become a North American without becoming an American. A RTHUR P HELPS Canadians are the people who learned to live without the bold accents of the natural ego-trippers of other lands.

M ARSHALL Mc LUHAN Being a Canadian means more than playing hockey and objecting to being called an American. N ICHOLAS R.M. L OWSON Canadians have been so busy explaining to the Americans that we arent British, and to the British that we arent Americans that we havent had time to become Canadians. H ELEN G ORDON Mc PHERSON A Canadian is someone who drinks Brazilian coffee from an English teacup, and munches a French pastry while sitting on his Danish furniture, having just come home from an Italian movie in his German car. He picks up his Japanese pen and writes to his Member of Parliament to complain about the American takeover of the Canadian publishing business. C AMPBELL H UGHES Canadian: historically, an American who rejects the Revolution.

N ORTHROP F RYE Wherever you go in the world, you just have to say youre Canadian and people laugh. J OHN C ANDY Canadians can easily pass for American as long as we dont accidentally use metric measurements or apologize when hit by a car. D OUGLAS C OUPLAND A Canadian is merely an unarmed American with health care. J OHN W ING JR. Im Canadian. Thats like American but without the guns.

D AVE F OLEY A Canadian is a person who knows how to make love in a canoe. P IERRE B ERTON There are few, if any, Canadian men that have never spelled their name in a snow bank. D OUGLAS C OUPLAND Some are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them, and some remain in Canada. E RIC N ICOL The Canadian military is like Switzerland without the knife. J OHN W ING JR. The beaver is a good national symbol for Canada.

Hes so busy chewing he cant see whats going on. H OWARD C ABLE Montreals not a city. Its a Disney World for alcoholics. M IKE W ILMOT Ottawa: a city where nobody lives, though some of us may die there. M ICHAEL M ACKLEN Quebec is one of the ten provinces against which Canada is defending itself. C ARL D UBUC Vive la Canada.