Stephen Arnott - Man Walks into a Bar: Over 5,000 of the Most Hilarious Jokes, Funniest Insults and Gut-Busting One-Liners

Man Walks into a Bar

Over 5,000 of the Most Hilarious Jokes, Funniest Insults and Gut-Busting One-Liners

Stephen Arnott and Mike Haskins

Text copyright 2007, 2022 Stephen Arnott and Mike Haskins. Design and concept copyright 2007, 2022 Ulysses Press and its licensors. All rights reserved. Any unauthorized duplication in whole or in part or dissemination of this edition by any means (including but not limited to photocopying, electronic devices, digital versions, and the internet) will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Published in the United States by:

ULYSSES PRESS

PO Box 3440

Berkeley, CA 94703

www.ulyssespress.com

First published in the United Kingdom in 2004 by Ebury Press, an imprint of Ebury Publishing, Random House

ISBN: 978-1-64604-364-4

ISBN-13: 978-1-6460-4371-2 (eBook)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2007933377

Cover design: what!design @ whatweb.com

Cover illustration: John M. Duggan

Proofreader: Joyce Wu

Production: Yesenia Garcia-Lopez

I thought today Id start by singing one of Irving Berlins songs. But then I thought why should I? He never sings any of mine.

Spike Milligan

• A doctor examines a cowboy with back problems and asks if hes had any recent accidents. Nope, replies the cowboy. Thats odd, says the doctor, I thought a cowboys job was pretty dangerous. It sure is, replies the cowboy. Last week I was kicked by a mule, thrown by a mustang and bit by a snake. And you dont call those accidents? asks the doctor. No, sir, replies the cowboy, those varmints done it on purpose.
• A man goes into a bar and admires the stuffed lions head mounted on the wall. What a great trophy, says the man to the bartender. I wouldnt call it great, replies the bartender. That damn lion killed my wife. My God, says the man, were you on safari? No, replies the bartender. It fell on her head.
• A man is laying carpet in an old ladys home. When hes finished, he looks around for his pack of cigarettes, but as he does so, he notices a lump in the middle of the carpet. Damn it, he says to himself. I must have dropped my cigarettes on the floor and carpeted over them. I know, Ill whack the pack with my hammer and flatten it out. So he gets out his hammer and beats the bump flat. Just at that moment the old lady walks in with his cigarettes in her hand. Here, she says. You must have left these in the kitchen. Now if only I could find my pet gerbil
• A man walked into a bar and went Aaaagh! It was an iron bar.
• A young man is trying out his new sports car on a quiet country lane. Theres no traffic, so he risks taking it up to 70 mph, then 80, and then 90. He turns a corner and sees two farmers standing in the middle of the road chatting. The man wrenches the wheel sideways, the car shoots up an embankment, flies into the air, and crashes in the middle of an adjacent field. One of the farmers turns to the other and says, That was lucky. I reckon we got out of that field in the nick o time.
• Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident? Hes all right now.
• Did you hear about the man who fell into the lens-grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.
• Harry heard that most accidents happen within two miles of home, so he moved.
• I lost my left hand in an accident a few years ago. It drives my girlfriend crazy. Shes a palm reader and wants to know what happens next.
• Ten percent of all accidents on the road are caused by people who have been drinking. So ninety percent of accidents are due to people who are stone-cold sober.
• A woman and her boyfriend have just left a wild party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car. The woman wants some fun and strips off her dress so she can flash passers-by. Unfortunately the man gets distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear, but her boyfriend is trapped in the wreckage. The only cover the woman can find is one of her boyfriends shoes, so she holds it over her crotch and runs to a nearby garage. She sees a mechanic and shouts, Help! Help! My boyfriends stuck! The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, Youre going to need a doctor, miss, hes too far in.
• Alabamas worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Search and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues.
• Theres a terrible accident at a railway crossing when a train smashes into a car. No one is killed, but the cars driver takes the train company to court. At the trial, the railway engineer insists that hed given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. The court believes his story and the suit is dismissed. Congratulations, says the defense lawyer to the engineer. You did superbly under cross-examination. Thanks, replies the engineer. But the prosecuting attorney sure had me worried. Hows that? asks the lawyer. The engineer replies, At one point I was afraid he was going to ask if that damned lantern was lit!

• A convention to prove that accountants arent stupid is set up in a massive stadium. Accountants from all over the world watch as the emcee calls up the first volunteer and asks him, What is fifteen plus fifteen? After 20 seconds the volunteer says, Eighteen. Everyone is a little disappointed, but the accountants start yelling, Give him another chance! Give him another chance! The emcee says, Well I guess we can give him another chance. What is five plus five? After 30 seconds the volunteer says, Ninety? Everyone is crestfallen, but the accountants again start yelling, Give him another chance! Give him another chance! The emcee says, Okay! One last chance. What is two plus two? The accountant closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says, Four. The accountants start yelling, Give him another chance! Give him another chance!
• A company director is interviewing candidates for an important position and decides to select the individual who can answer the question How much is two plus two? The first candidate is an engineer. He pulls out a slide-rule and shows that the answer is four. The second candidate is a lawyer. He states that, in the case of Jones v. R., two plus two was proven to be four. The final candidate is an accountant. When asked what two plus two equals, the accountant slips out of his chair, checks to see if anyone is listening at the door, then whispers, Did you have a particular number in mind?
• A guy in a bar leans over to the man next to him and says, Want to hear an accountant joke? The man replies, Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that Im 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and Im an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6 foot 2 inches tall, 225 pounds, and hes an accountant too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke? The first guy says, God, no. Not if Ill have to explain it twice.
• A patient is at her doctors office after undergoing a physical examination. The doctor says, I have some very grave news. You have only six months to live. What can I do? cries the patient. The doctor replies, Marry an accountant. Will that make my life longer? asks the patient. No, says the doctor. But it will seem longer.
• An accountant goes into a pet store to buy a parrot. The store owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch. The parrot on the left costs $500, says the owner. Why does that parrot cost so much? asks the accountant. It knows how to do complex audits, says the store owner. How much does the middle parrot cost? asks the accountant. That one costs $1,000, replies the owner. It can do everything the first one can, plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts. The accountant asks about the third parrot. It costs $4,000. So what can that one do? he asks. To be honest, says the store owner, Ive never seen him do anything. But the other two call him Senior Partner.