Stephen Arnott - Man Walks into a Bar: Over 6,000 of the Most Hilarious Jokes, Funniest Insults and Gut-Busting One-Liners

Copyright 2007 Stephen Arnott and Mike Haskins. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright owner.

Published in the United States by

ULYSSES PRESS

P.O. Box 3440

Berkeley, CA 94703

www.ulyssespress.com

First published in the United Kingdom in 2004 by Ebury Press, an imprint of Ebury Publishing, Random House

ISBN13: 978-1-61243-372-1

Library of Congress Control Number 2007933377

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Cover design: what!design @ whatweb.com

Cover illustration: John M. Duggan

Interior design: seagulls

Proofreader: Laurel Shane

Production: Judith Metzener

CONTENTS

I thought today Id start by singing one of Irving Berlins songs. But then I thought why should I? He never sings any of mine.

Spike Milligan

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them hears one of the men say, Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more. You foul-mouthed swine, says the lady indignantly. In this country we dont talk about our sex lives in public. Hey, isa all right, replies the man. Imma just tella my friend how to spella Mississippi.

A Frenchman staying at a London hotel phones room service. I would like some pepper, please, says the Frenchman. Certainly, sir, says room service. Black pepper or white pepper? Neither, says the Frenchman. Toilet pepper!

A German jumps into a river to save a dog from drowning. Are you a vet? asks a passerby. A-vet! says the German. Im bloody zoaking!

A tourist in L.A. is walking through Chinatown when he sees a sign saying, Hans Olafsens Laundry. Curious, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. How did this place get a name like Hans Olafsens Laundry? asks the tourist. The old man says, Its named after me. Im Hans Olafsen. Thats an unusual name for a Chinese man, observes the tourist. Yes, says the old man, But when I came to America I was standing in the immigration line behind a man called Hans Olafsen. And when they asked me my name, I said, Sam Ting.

As a survival test a German, an Australian, and a Chinese man are to be abandoned on a desert island for a year. The German is put in charge of building the groups shelter, the Australian is put in charge of the groups power requirements, and the Chinese man is made responsible for the groups supplies. The men are unloaded on the desert island and their equipment checked. The German has bought lots of tools, nails, and screws, and the Australian has bought a wind turbine and solar generator, but the Chinese man cant be found anywhere. Everyone spends the rest of the day looking for the Chinese man. At dusk they give up and head back for the boat. They get to the beach when the Chinese man jumps out from behind a tree and shouts, Supplize!

A Chihuahua, a German shepherd, and a bulldog are sitting in a park when an attractive collie comes along. The collie tells them that the one who constructs the best sentence using the words liver and cheese can take her out. I love liver and cheese, says the German shepherd. The collie is not impressed. I hate liver and cheese, says the bulldog. The collie doesnt think this is very good either. Finally, the Chihuahua says, Liver alone. Cheese mine.

A cop catches an illegal alien by the Mexican border. Sorry, he says. You know the law; youve got to go back. The Mexican pleads with him, No, Seor, I must stay in de U.S.! Pleeeze! The cop says, Okay. Tell you what, Ill let you stay if you can use the words green, pink, and yellow in a sentence. The Mexican thinks then says, Hokay. The phone, it went green, green, greenI pink it up and sez yellow?

Man, to waitress in Chinese restaurant: Excuse me, but this chicken is rubbery. Waitress: Thank you, sir.

Since Mr. Chang cant cook and theres no Chinese restaurant nearby, hes forced to go to Paddys Caf for his meals. Mr. Chang loves fried rice but is always annoyed when Paddy laughs at the way he says, flied rice. Eventually Mr. Chang has elocution lessons to learn how to say fried rice properly, then goes to the caf to give Paddy a surprise. He sits down and says, Hello Paddy. Ill have a plate of fried rice, please. What was that? says Paddy. Mr. Chang replies, I say fried rice, you stupid Ilish plick!

A doctor examines a cowboy with back problems and asks if hes had any recent accidents. Nope, replies the cowboy. Thats odd, says the doctor, I thought a cowboys job was pretty dangerous. It sure is, replies the cowboy. Last week I was kicked by a mule, thrown by a mustang and bit by a snake. And you dont call those accidents? asks the doctor. No, sir, replies the cowboy, those varmints done it on purpose.

A man goes into a bar and admires the stuffed lions head mounted on the wall. What a great trophy, says the man to the bartender. I wouldnt call it great, replies the bartender. That damn lion killed my wife. My God, says the man, were you on safari? No, replies the bartender. It fell on her head.

A man is laying carpet in an old ladys home. When hes finished he looks around for his pack of cigarettes but as he does so he notices a lump in the middle of the carpet. Damn it, he says to himself. I must have dropped my cigarettes on the floor and carpeted over them. I know, Ill whack the pack with my hammer and flatten it out. So he gets out his hammer and beats the bump flat. Just at that moment the old lady walks in with his cigarettes in her hand. Here, she says. You must have left these in the kitchen. Now if only I could find my pet gerbil

A man walked into a bar and went Aaaagh! It was an iron bar.

A young man is trying out his new sports car on a quiet country lane. Theres no traffic, so he risks taking it up to 70 mph, then 80, and then 90. He turns a corner and sees two farmers standing in the middle of the road chatting. The man wrenches the wheel sideways, the car shoots up an embankment, flies into the air, and crashes in the middle of an adjacent field. One of the farmers turns to the other and says, That was lucky. I reckon we got out of that field in the nick o time.