Jef Aldrich - A Dragon Walks into a Bar: 300+ One-Liners, Zingers, and Jokes That Will Slay

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The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com. Interior design by Julia Jacintho and Nicola DosSantos Interior images by Kurt Dolber; Simon & Schuster, Inc. Sword joke divider image 123RF/Sergey Leonov Cover design by Sylvia McArdle Cover image by Kurt Dolber Simon & Schuster, Inc. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has been applied for. ISBN 978-1-5072-1218-9 ISBN 978-1-5072-1219-6 (ebook) Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are claimed as trademarks.

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Why cant zombies write good music? They can only de-compose.

Where do people buy their giant hammers? A maul. Whats a dwarfs favorite thing to listen to? Rock music. Do you like to groan at awful puns? Do you enjoy clever wordplay? If you do, hail and well met! Welcome to A Dragon Walks Into a Bar, the only joke book for those of us who prefer to spend our time rolling dice and thinking up fantastic stuff. We didnt really do a ton of research for this thing. (All right, lets be honest: We didnt do any.) What we did do is cram this book full of the best/worst jokes we could think of so you can entertain and annoy your fellow players. Not only did we include a selection of jokes, puns, and one-liners; we also made up some tables so you can do everything from generate random non-player characters you can use in your game (Youre greeted by an uncomfortably grimy used-cart salesman) to frightening cheese monsters (Look! Its a group of wandering Muenstrels!).

As you read through this book, youll need an assortment of gaming dice from the humble d6 to a d10. (There are some tables that call for rolling a number between 1 and 100, but dont panic. Just use two d10s and youre good.) Each table tells you what youll need. Were sure youve already got plenty of dice lying around or a dice-rolling app if youre more digitally minded. At the very least, you know a friend who has far more dice than is necessary. Theres a grand total of 335 jokes, 17 tables, and 117 sidebars containing snide commentary and further information about the jokes.

Dang! Thats a lot of humor. But will this help me play my favorite RPG? you ask. We totally and completely guarantee it will not do anything of the sort. What it will do is give you a chance to be the life of your gaming groupcracking jokes as your party runs away from a menacing blue alien with a disintegrator gun or a gang of orcs. At times like that, you all need a good snicker. You can keep these jokes on hand for when something relevant pops up in your game, or share your favorites with the group as you find them.

Or just keep them all to yourself! Who are we to say how you use this? Maybe you want to giggle quietly to yourself while reading. When your friends ask you, Whats so funny? you reply, Oh, nothing. But it wasnt nothing; it was this book. The important thing is that you get a good time out of it. So sit back, put on your favorite selection of ye olde tymey gaming music, don your robe and wizard hat, and get ready to laugh.

Obviously, if youre buying a book of RPG jokes, you have the same question as anyone whos ever purchased an RPG: What the heck is this thing? Well, luckily, were here to elucidate in a series of simple, easy-to-grasp questions and answers. An RPG is a special feeling. An RPG is a special feeling.

Like a tickle on the tummy from a trusted friend or the feeling you get when you find out that a horse likes you. Its like playing a board game, except you and your friends are the pieces! (Youre the shoe.) Since time immemorial, humans have been playing pretend using storytellers, actors, and our own wild imagination. An RPG is like when you played cops and robbers as a kid, but with a strict set of guidelines and rules about what you can and cant do, including an arbiter who doesnt so much play the game with you as make sure you arent playing pretend incorrectly.

The tools of the trade couldnt be simpler. Youll just need an RPG (by the way, if you havent got an RPG, get onethis isnt onewe dont know how to write RPGs), some paper, the correct dice, pencils, and some pizza certainly couldnt hurt! (Regarding dice: The important criteria in die selection are as follows: size, faces, weight, clarity, balance, color, make, density, glow, and cost. The most coveted of these is the illustrious Princess Dice.) Youll also need a place to play, like your grandparents weird quiet house or the manga section of a bookstore.

Finally, youll need some friends who are free for several hours in a row at the same time every week. So, if youre an adult, sorry for wasting your time.

Yeah, probably. Oh, its fairly simple. Once youve generated a character using a variety of systems, youll inhabit the mind space of that character. You dont exactly become the character, but you know a lot about her or him.

And vice versa. Your characterll know your bank codes. Theyll be able to say things. To your kids. But in return, you get to go on fun adventures to a dungeon! Youll get to speak in the language of yon elderre tymes! Forsooth! Youll swing swords at monsters, innkeepers, shopkeepers, and randomly encountered minstrels! Its truly the best life has to offer. JEFS ANNOYING SIDEBARS When I was done writing the jokes in this book, I asked Jef to look them over.

Not only did he do that; he insisted on sticking in a bunch of snarky commentary on them in the form of sidebars. If you find them as annoying as I do, just rememberits not my fault! Jon Whats the leading cause of death among RPG characters? RPG players.