Grant Tucker - 5,000 Sidesplitting Jokes and One-Liners

5,000 Sidesplitting Jokes
and One-Liners

Compiled by Grant Tucker

A Herman Graf Book
Skyhorse Publishing

Copyright in the foreword and selection 2012, 2013 by Grant Tucker

First published in Great Britain under the title 5,000 Great One-Liners in 2012 by The Robson Press (an imprint of Biteback Publishing Ltd.), Westminster Tower, 3 Albert Embankment, London SE1 7SP.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

ISBN: 978-1-62873-420-1

Printed in the United States of America

I have always found one-liners the cleverest form of comedy: the way they can garner a laugh with just a few short words inspires my untold admiration for those who make it an art form. Once a staple of many comedy acts, the one-liner was perfected by two of my personal favourite stand-ups, Bob Monkhouse and Les Dawson. Who can forget Monkhouses classic I want to die like my father peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified like his passengers? Sadly, neither of these comedy legends is still with us today, but their legacy is being continued by a new generation of comedians. Im sure if Bob or Les were with us now they would look proudly upon modern comics who are helping to introduce young audiences to the beauty of the one-liner. In recent years, the quick-fire gag has enjoyed a resurgence not only among the big-name stars, but also among us ordinary folk, and this is thanks partly to social media. Twitter in particular has given new life to the format, challenging us to condense our jokes to fit the 140-character limit. Some of the funniest one-liners Ive ever read have been the creation of the Twitter hive-mind, and have been retweeted and retold around the world, being constantly refined and refreshed along the way.

This book has taken many months to put together, but I hope you will agree it was worth it. It brings together 5,000 of the best one-liners I have ever heard or read, and is designed entirely to make you chuckle. I have picked up these jokes in a huge variety of venues in all parts of the country, from the rugby clubs of Wales to the gentlemans clubs of London, but one thing they all have in common is that they are timelessly funny. Im sure many of these jokes were told long before I was born, in the corners of pubs up and down the country, so I cannot take credit for them all. What I would rather do is to thank every person who has ever told a joke, every person who has ever made anybody else laugh. Laughter is one of the most beautiful things in the world: it lends colour to our daily life, it helps us get over the most tragic situations, and it can unite people from all different backgrounds, colours and creeds, bringing them together in fits of laughter over a shared experience.

In that spirit, I would like to thank some of the people who have made my life that little bit better through the power of laughter. Namely, my dad, Carl Tucker, who is always the first to crack a joke in any situation; my friend Huw Anslow, who has the ability to turn the most serious moments into a joke; my friend Ryan Bourne, whose impressions will forever keep me entertained; and my work colleague Holly Smith: all I need to do is look at her and she can make me laugh. Jeremy Robson, my publisher, also deserves a special mention. He is one of the best in the publishing business, but despite that he is also one of the nicest people you could ever wish to meet.

Finally, I would like to thank my long-suffering editor Olivia Beattie for her patience during this mammoth project. I cant imagine it was as much fun for her to edit this book as it was for me to write it. But despite several deadline extensions, and numerous changes, she has created a brilliant book out of what was originally a quite incomprehensible manuscript!

I do hope that this book gives you the same entertainment and moments of laugh-out-loud hilarity that it gave me when writing it.

Grant Tucker
London, August 2012

I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He asked for strong lager, but I dont want to encourage him.

A vicar was booking into a hotel, and he asked the receptionist: I trust the pornography channel is disabled, young man? No, replied the receptionist, its just regular porn, you filthy bastard.

Theres a new contraceptive pill for men. Put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

A teacher at the school for obese children has been sacked for taking cocaine. He was given away by his massive pupils.

My wifes leaving me for two reasons: 1. Premature ejaculation; 2. My terrible memory. I dont know whats come over her.

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor. It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

I met a French guy on holiday and he forced me to start drinking and smoking. Bloody Pierre Pressure.

My wife texted me after a row to say I was very condescending. To be honest I was surprised she could spell it.

In prison, I dropped the soap in the shower. I was so scared about all the stories, I was shitting myself... Put them right off.

I took the wife bungee jumping. As her body hit and spread out over the rocks below, I thought, Thatll teach you to lie about your weight.

If a fat kid falls in the forest, and theres no one around to see it, is it still hilarious?

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of eighty-two. Im easily lead.

I did an exam about marriage today. I answered every question with, The Wife and failed. Turns out shes not always right.

Doctor: OK, Mrs A, lets have a look at your results. Patient: My name isnt Mrs A. Doctor: I have some bad news then. It appears you have MRSA.

My wife has just delivered twin boys and let me name them. From her reaction, Im guessing Pete and Repeat wasnt the best choice.

Im sick of all the shit on the TV these days. Although its probably my fault for putting the birdcage there in the first place.

My girlfriend said that Im annoying. I was so stunned I stopped poking her.

My missus says she hates the way I narrate every situation, and here she comes now.

I was enjoying a brilliant sing-along last night, until I was asked to leave the opera.

Chickens: the only animals you eat before theyre born and after theyre dead.

My wife says I exaggerate the amount of time I work so that I dont have to spend time with her. Id like to see her work twelve days a week, 576 days a year.

My wifes got a cracking pair of jugs... So were taking them back to John Lewis to get a refund.

I love Facebook. Its the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot.