Meg Cabot - Size 12 Is Not Fat

A Heather Wells Mystery

For Benjamin

Um, hello. Is anyone out there? The girl in the dressing room next to mine has a voice like a chipmunk. Hello?

Exactly like a chipmunk.

I hear a sales clerk come over, his key chain clinking musically. Yes, maam? Can I help you?

Yeah. The girls disembodiedbut still chipmunklikevoice floats over the partition between our cubicles. Do you guys have these jeans in anything smaller than a size zero?

I pause, one leg in and one leg out of the jeans I am squeezing myself into. Whoa. Is it just me, or was that really existential? Because whats smaller than a size zero? Negative something, right?

Okay, so its been a while since sixth grade math. But I do remember there was this number line, with a zero in the middle, and

Because, Less Than Zero/Chipmunk Voice is explaining to the sales clerk, normally Im a size two. But these zeros are completely baggy on me. Which is weird. I know I didnt lose weight since the last time I came in here.

Less Than Zero has a point, I realize as I pull up the jeans Im trying on. I cant remember the last time I could fit into a size 8. Well, okay, I can . But its not a period from my past that I particularly relish.

What gives? Normally I wear 12sbut I tried on the 12s, and I was swimming in them. Same with the 10s. Which is weird, because I havent exactly been on any kind of diet latelyunless you count the Splenda I had in my latte at breakfast this morning.

But Im sure the bagel with cream cheese and bacon I had with it pretty much canceled out the Splenda.

And its not exactly like Ive been to the gym recently. Not that I dont exercise, of course. I just dont do it, you know, in the gym. Because you can burn just as many calories walking as you can running. So why run? I figured out a long time ago that a walk to Murrays Cheese Shop on Bleecker to see what kind of sandwich they have on special for lunch takes ten minutes.

And a walk from Murrays over to Betsey Johnson on Wooster to see whats on sale (love her stretch velvet!): another ten minutes.

And a walk from Betseys over to Dean & Deluca on Broadway for an after-lunch cappuccino and to see if they have those chocolate-covered orange peels I like so much: another ten minutes.

And so on, until before you know it, youve done a full sixty minutes of exercise. Who says its hard to comply with the governments new fitness recommendations? If I can do it, anyone can.

But could all of that walking have caused me to drop two whole sizes since the last time I shopped for jeans? I know Ive been cutting my daily fat intake by about half since I replaced the Hersheys Kisses in the candy jar on my desk with free condoms from the student health center. But still.

Well, maam, the sales clerk is saying to Less Than Zero. These jeans are stretch fit. That means that youve got to try two sizes lower than your true size.

What? Less Than Zero sounds confused.

I dont blame her. I feel the same way. Its like number lines all over again.

What I mean is, the sales clerk says, patiently, if you normally wear a size four, in stretch jeans, you would wear a size zero.

Why dont you just put the real sizes on them, then? Less Than Zeroquite sensibly, I thinkasks. Like if a zero is a really a four, why dont you just label it a four?

Its called vanity sizing, the sales clerk says, dropping his voice.

What sizing? Less Than Zero asks, dropping her voice, too. At least, as much as a chipmunk can drop her voice.

You know. The sales clerk is whispering to Less Than Zero. But I can still hear him. The larger customers like it when they can fit into an eight. But theyre really a twelve, of course. See?

Wait. What?

I fling open the door to my dressing room before I stop to think.

Im a size twelve, I hear myself saying to the sales clerk. Who looks startled. Understandably, I guess. But still. Whats wrong with being a size twelve?

Nothing! cries the sales clerk, looking panicky. Nothing at all. I just meant

Are you saying size twelve is fat ? I ask him.

No, the sales clerk insists. You misunderstood me. I meant

Because size twelve is the size of the average American woman, I point out to him. I know this because I just read it in People magazine. Are you saying that instead of being average, were all fat?

No, the sales clerk says. No, thats not what I meant at all. I

The door to the dressing room next to mine opens, and I see the owner of the chipmunk voice for the first time. Shes the same age as the kids I work with. She doesnt just sound like a chipmunk, I realize. She kind of looks like one, too. You know. Cute. Perky. Small enough to fit in a normal-sized girls pocket.

And whats up with not even making her size? I ask the sales clerk, jerking a thumb at Less Than Zero. I mean, Id rather be average than not even exist .

Less Than Zero looks kind of taken aback. But then she goes, Um. Yeah! to the sales clerk.

The sales clerk swallows nervously. And audibly. You can tell hes having a bad day. After work, hell probably go to some bar and be all And then these women were just ON me about the vanity sizing. It was awful!

To us, he just says, I, um, think Ill just go, um, check and see if we have those jeans you were interested in the, um, back.

Then he scurries away.

I look at Less Than Zero. She looks at me. She is maybe twenty-two, and very blond. I too am blondwith a little help from Lady Clairolbut I left my early twenties several years ago.