Sharon Ann Hickey - It Could Only Happen to Me

IT COULD
ONLY HAPPEN
TO ME

A MEMOIR

SHARON ANN HICKEY

IT COULD ONLY HAPPEN TO ME

A MEMOIR

Copyright 2015 Sharon Ann Hickey.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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ISBN: 978-1-4917-5836-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-5838-0 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-5837-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015900523

iUniverse rev. date: 02/09/2015

CONTENTS

I know there is a rich person trying to get out of this body. Maybe my funny stories will make it happen. If nothing else, maybe someone out there will realize his or her luck isnt so bad after all!

I have always had funny and unusual things happen to me. I call them my Sharon stories. My dad told me more than thirty years ago that I should be writing a book. Over the years, I have kept little notes about these events, and I stored them in my computer desk. My children were warned not to disturb them, as someday I was going to do something with them. That day has come.

I have several reasons for writing this book. First of all, I want to memorialize these funny events that have been part of my life. Second, I would like to share them with others. In this book I have compiled humorous tales about vacations, children, husbands, dining out, and just normal everyday activities (normal for everyone else, that is!)

I have always been able to laugh at these experiences, and when I share them with my friends and family, they enjoy them too. That encouraged me to reach a larger audience. Through the years, I have entertained at various social events at my church and other places. And for more than forty years, I have shared these stories with my longtime friend Debi, who lives in Florida. We started out as pen pals when we were teens, and I still share my tales through snail mail today, with an occasional text message to Debi here and there. (Thats a lot of postage!)

One time I even entered a competition at Go Bananas Comedy Club for amateur night and won! I didnt even mind that the trophy had the wrong date on it. That was just another story to add to my collection.

My hope is that anyone who has ever had a bad day will be able to relate to my tales of woe and smile.

This book is dedicated to my family for being able to laugh with me (or maybe at me) over the years and for allowing me to share humorous stories about them as well.

I would like to thank God for giving me a sense of humor and the opportunity to share these amusing events with a reading audience.

I dont just have a black cloud that follows meI have the whole storm system! It started when I was pretty young. Maybe the dream I had as a young adult was a premonition: I dreamed that I was at my moms with a bunch of ladies. It was Christmas, and we were opening presents. They all got beautiful robes, but when I opened my gift, I had a pair of sweat socks (probably dirty ones!) I am afraid to know the significance of that.

Many years ago, I was at the mall with my sister when we were approached by a lady who was conducting a survey. She totally ignored me, looked straight at my sister, and asked if we would be interested in participating. My sister said yes.

Without looking directly at me, just sort of nodding my way, the woman asked, What about her? My sister said yes, that I would be interested.

This whole scene was repeated as the woman proceeded to ask, Are you over eighteen? What about her? Do you live within one hundred miles of Cincinnati? What about her? Do you do most of the grocery shopping for your home? What about her? I was listening to this conversation and not even believing this woman. Why wouldnt she ask me a question or even acknowledge I was there?

Finally it was time to take us to the back area for the survey, and naturally my sister was asked to go first while I waited for my turn. After we both had completed the survey, my sister commented on what delicious chocolate desserts she got to sample. I love chocolate. I looked at her and said, What chocolate desserts? All I had to sample were some not-so-delicious lemon-filled cakes. Thus began my stories.

CHAPTER 1

THREE SPOUSES AND A HOUSE

The first time I got married, my last name was Mote. Someone asked me once if I ever looked that up in the dictionary. I said no, and he proceeded to tell me that it means insignificant speck. Well, that didnt surprise me. It wont surprise anyone else either. My first marriage ended in divorce, and when I would meet people I hadnt seen in a while, I would tell them I got de moted. This was especially funny when I said it at work and those who didnt know me overheard it. They had to wonder what terrible thing I did to get demoted, since that never happened at my job. The best thing I got from that marriage was my son Robert who was born in 1977. And I did have my name in lights once when I noticed the L was burned out in a MOTEL sign.

This section is dedicated to my second husband, Eddie. We were married for twenty years, and we had two daughters, Rachel and Mandy. Eddie died in 2006, but he left us with fond memories and some very funny stories too.

I met Eddie at a dance in 1984. He was kind of shy, but nice. A friend of mine commented that he had pretty blue eyes. I said, They are not blue; they are green. As it turned out, depending on which eye we were looking at, we were both right.

Eddie and I got married. We were excited when we found out we were going to be parents. I went for my doctors appointment to find out whether we were having a girl or boy. I returned home and told Eddie it was going to be a girl. His response was, Well, we still have a few months, like the baby could change into a boy. I dont think it works that way. Our daughter, Rachel, was born in June 1986.

Rachel was almost two when Eddie and I found out we were going to be parents again. We decided that our two-bedroom house was too small, though Eddie had already converted a small area off the living room into Rachels room. Plus I wanted to get closer to my job, which was a forty-five-minute drive away. So we began looking for a bigger house. Our real estate lady was very nice, and we overlooked the fact that she kept calling Eddie Andy. We looked at several houses before she showed us the last one.

I knew it was going to have issues when the Realtor said, Not everyone would like this house. It had a sliding door instead of a front door, and cistern water, among other things.

And what did Eddie say? I like this house! After some deliberation and discussion, we decided to buy it.

So began the process of moving. I have found that most women like to plan ahead, where guys like to wait until the last minute to do things. Thats how it was with packing. Finally we were down to the wire. When the movers came to take the big stuff, Eddie was still packing odds and ends. He told me to go ahead with the movers and said that he would finish up. Well, later when I was unpacking, I found the black garbage bags Eddie had put the last of the items in. I didnt dare reach down into themhe had packed razor blades and shoes in the same bag.