Zoe Strimpel - What the Hell is He Thinking?: All the Questions Youve Ever Asked About Men Answered

PENGUIN BOOKS

WHAT THE HELL IS HE THINKING?

Zoe Strimpel has been a journalist since graduating fromCambridge in 2004. She put her English degree to good use by writing features such asCan Men Fancy Talkative Women?, an experiment conducted while wearingshort skirts and visiting Zoo Nightclub in Leicester Square. So conclusive were hertests they cant that Vanessa Feltz took her up on it on BBC RadioLondon. It was when she became thelondonpaper s GirlAbout Town dating columnist in October 2006 that she began thinking about the peculiarbehaviour of men in earnest. Her weekly columns prompted heated responses fromLondons commuters: women related; men reacted. She has since written on the oddrelations between men and women for Cosmopolitan , the Sunday Times Style magazine and TheTimes , and has appeared on BBC Ones SundayLife as a spokesperson for freemales, women who genuinely enjoythe single life. She is currently the lifestyle editor for CityA.M .

All the Questions Youve Ever
Asked About MenAnswered

Zoe Strimpel

PENGUIN BOOKS

PENGUINBOOKS

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First published 2010

Copyright Zoe Strimpel, 2010

All rights reserved

The moral right of the author has been asserted

Except in the United States of America, this book issold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, belent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publishersprior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it ispublished and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed onthe subsequent purchaser

ISBN: 978-0-141-91609-5

To my parents, Harriet and OliverStrimpel, who want me to end up happy more than anyone, be that married or singleand loving it (well, theyd prefer married, to be fair)

I was in the final throes of yet another quasi-dating thing,this time with a freelance website developer with all the time in the world foreverything but me. Things had started off so promisingly. Our first date was the bestIve ever had: a 48-hour cuddle-fest that had kicked off with a gorgeous meal anda romantic rickshaw drive through London to a fancy bar all on him. But as timewent on, and we kept seeing each other, things didnt develop as Id hoped.When we were together (always having a great time) or, if I was lucky, in text messages,he would tell me that he missed me. But then days would pass without communication.There were so many mixed signals and contradictions, my head (and those of my friendswho coached me through the whole thing) all but exploded.

In the end, things didnt work out. Why? I kind of got the sense hethought I wanted something too serious for him, but I couldnt be sure. As well asfeeling sad it hadnt worked out, I was frustrated by the bizarre misunderstandingthat seemed to have sprung up between us. What the hell had he been thinking this wholetime?

Then a clever book called Hes Just Not That Into You fell my way. For a moment, it seemed tomake everything clear. All those intriguing contradictions and mixed signals? Thoseunsubstantiated moments of extreme affection? All signs that he was just not that intome. Great, case closed. And when a guy I had down for a rebound bailed on our first datebecause of a trip to Slovenia, I simply said to myself, OK, I get it. Notinto me.

This new simple ethos was all very well until I realized it wasntnearly enough of an explanation. I had a sudden vision of my friends and I sittingaround with drinks, running out of boy-chat after six words, and promptly had a panicattack. No way would a six-word answer that entirely devalues and dismisses male thoughtor emotional subtlety be enough for me. I wanted to know what Rickshaw Boy (his name isChristian) and all the other guys who say one thing and act out another are thinking!

But why bother? Well, for a start, if someone Ive spent some of mymost intimate moments with suddenly appears to have jumped to another page, Idquite like to know what page that is.

Then, I figure, once you know the page, you can get to know the bookbetter.

Again, you ask, why bother? Isnt it enough to know that thingsarent as they should or could be, and cease wasting time on them? Ideally, maybeyes. But life just aint that simple. People including men aint that simple. I mean, how often have we girls done one thing and, if pushedto think about it, meant another? Should we really just bin him because he doesntring when he says he will? Christ, its going to be a long, lonely life ifwere that black and white about everything. (Dont get me wrong,theres no excuse for shitty or, God forbid, nasty behaviour. Still, ifyoure reading this book, Ill wager youre smart enough not to getinvolved with anyone sinister.)

In the past, the rules may well have been clearer. There was a definitecode of conduct. Neither men nor women were allowed to get away withinhabiting the grey area of romantic intentions many of us do today. Judging from theway my grandmother talked on the Sunday afternoons Id pay my weekly visit, therewas a time when a girl was perfectly entitled to assume a guy had marriage on his mindfrom the moment he showed interest. Now, as she was bewildered to learn, that guyIve been seeing might not even be a boyfriend, and almost certainly wontbecome a husband. Plus, I had to explain, there are so many fancy ways to interpret hisgrey intentions. Weve got Facebook antics, texts, email, MSN and jobs socut-throat many of us like to think we dont have time for commitment. Ourlifestyles are now so replete with choice and independence that our interactions withthe opposite sex have simply become another form of both. Commitment flies in the faceof the contemporary dream, I would explain. So if relationships are complex at the bestof times, modernity has thrown an added veil over our dealings with one another. Whatthe hell we are truly thinking and feeling can be anybodys guess. Goodheavens, Grandma would respond. Im glad Im not out therelooking for a man now.

But, modernity or not, we still want a good bit of loving. And Igenuinely believe that men hateful creatures as they may sometimes be are worth trying to work out. Wouldnt we like to get a little closer to knowingwhat the hell hes thinking? I, for one, value the male presence in my life enoughto want to know.

By working out, I dont mean were going tofind all the answers. The world of dating and relationships doesnt really lenditself to an exact science. Nor am I a guru. I am a normal, frazzled, fun-loving butresponsible twenty-something trying to make sense of the romantic wilderness from whosebranches Im currently swinging.

But my girlfriends and I werent getting any closer to the truth bytalking among ourselves over still more cocktails. So one day, it occurred to me that Icould just ask a bunch of guys why they do the things they do. After all, for the yearand a half that I wrote my weekly dating column for London morningnewspaper thelondonpaper , the most impassioned, articulateand frequent respondents were men. Guys wanted to put their two cents in on the datingthing: they thought about it too, and obviously felt that their voices werentbeing heard. So I figured there was a lot of manpower to harness out there. And, aspredicted, they were more than happy to divulge.