Amber Madison - Are All Guys Assholes?: More Than 1,000 Guys in 10 Cities Reveal Why Theyre Not, Why They Sometimes ACT Like They Are, and How Understanding Their Real Feelings Will Solve Your Guy Drama Once and for

Are All Guys Assholes?: More Than 1,000 Guys in 10 Cities Reveal Why Theyre Not, Why They Sometimes ACT Like They Are, and How Understanding Their Real Feelings Will Solve Your Guy Drama Once and for — read online for free the complete book (whole text) full work

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Table of Contents

To all the wonderful men in my life,
who restore my faith daily

How I Became an Assholologist

Leave it to two baggy-jeans-wearing, diamond-stud-rocking, 40-in-paper-bag-sipping dudes to change your thoughts on guys forever. I was two weeks into my man journey and thoroughly convinced it was the worst idea Id ever had. Then, on this beautiful San Francisco Sunday, as the symphony played at Dolores Park, two thugged-out-looking 20-somethings asked me for advice.

Guy: Okay, I told you my thoughts on girls. Now I want your help.

All right. Suspecting I was getting into it for the long haul, I took a seat.

Guy: So I kinda like this girl...

Friend: Kinda like? Come on, bro, youre obsessed with her. Guy: Fine. I really like this girl. Last night, I take her out, its goin well, and we decide to see a movie. Were holdin hands and everything walkin to the theater, but stop when we get in line cause were standin in front of each other. But whatever, I dont make anything of it. But in the movie, shes not touchin me at all! I put my arm around her, and she doesnt react. But I dunnois she not feeling me? Or is it just awkward cause of those big armrests? So after the movie, I ask if she wants to go to this party with me. She says no and was actin all weird.

Friend: Yeah, cause of the movie! The fool took her to see Inception. Have you seen it? You walk out all tripped out and shit, like whats real, whats fake, whats goin on? I think she was just bugged out!

Guy: Whatever, man, lemme finish. She doesnt wanna go to the party, and Im crackin on her a little bit. Not in a mean way, but like, Ah, youre lamecome on out with me. I dunno if she thought it was too forward or I was just tryin to get on her, or what. So I was like, Well at least lemme walk you home. She lives up this big hill, and were halfway up when a cab comes. She goes, You better take this. Theres never any cabs around here. And Im thinkin, Does she want me to take this cab cause she doesnt want me to kiss her when we get to her place? I dunno what to do, and the cab was there, so I hop in.

Did you kiss her?

Nah, I panicked. Just got in the cab and left. Then this morning I send her a text: I had a great time last night it was fun hanging out. And heres what weve been debating all morning: she wrote back I had fun too. Smiley face.

I was confused for a second. Wait, what are you debating? The smiley face! What does it mean? Shes not the kinda girl who types smiley faces all the time, ya know? Id say in all our texting shes sent maybe ... two? Dont you think thats gotta be a sign she likes me? Thats flirty, right? Youre a girl. What do you think?

I suddenly felt ridiculous for every time Ive asked one of my guy friends for advice from a guys perspective. Like theyre supposed to have some great insight into a guy theyve never met just because they have a penis.

Man, I have no idea what it means. Im sorry. Ive never thought about it because I guess I dont really use smiley faces.

Exactly. Neither does she! So its gotta mean something.

I think you could have asked every person in the park that day what these two guys were talking about, and not one would even come close. All of the ridiculous things that girls spend forever analyzing... guys do it too. Grown men, dressed like thugs and drinking 40s, no less, were analyzing every second of a date and spending their afternoon trying to find the deeper meaning in an emoticon.

Its moments like these that gave me faith: the warm, fuzzy feeling that things arent nearly as bad as we imagine. Were so used to being pitted against men, being told theyre the bad guys, and being threatened by ways they might use us, discard us, and leave us in pieces. And then something like this happens, and its a giant leveler ; a gentle reminder that despite all weve been told, its not us versus themwere all in this together.

As women we have this idea that guys dont care, or just arent that emotionally invested in relationships. We think theyre these sex-seeking tin men who are destined to never find their hearts. We suspect we cant trust them because their biology has made them remorseless snakes. And we believe this because these are the depictions that are constantly being shoved in our faces.

Some of the most popular shows in America are sitcoms that feature sex-hungry, emotionally stunted men like How I Met Your Mother, Rules of Engagement, Two and a Half Men, and Family Guy. Many commercials for beer, chips, fast food, soda, you name it, are built entirely around the idea that guys are constantly just trying to get some. The 2011 Super Bowl ad for Pepsi Max shows the inner monologue of a couple on a first date, and the guys thoughts are simply: I want to sleep with her, I want to sleep with her, I want to sleep with her... Then, there are Tucker Maxs best-selling memoirs about all the funny ways he got drunk and screwed over girls, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, and its sequel, Assholes Finish First. And you cant even read the news without hearing about how much men suck. A recent article on

Our biggest relationship fears, most debasing sexual stereotypes, and worst dating experiences are constantly being reaffirmed as simply how guys are. Because when you look at the portrayals of men across the media, all signs point to asshole.

But what if the media has it wrong? What if the popular ideas that guys will do anything for sex, dont care about girls as people, and are virtually incapable of emotional intimacy are actually a sales angle more than a reflection of reality? What if, like the useless info-products on the Home Shopping Network, theyre selling it because were buying it? And were buying it not only because it fits in with the images of men that have surrounded us our entire lives, but because it helps us explain past failed relationships with one soothing generalization: Guys are assholes.

But the thing is: They arent. Its the truth that social scientists have been screaming now for decades: This image were shown of guys isnt how they really are or how they really think. Men find comfort in relationships,

Holy shit: Guys are people! Despite the headlines in popular magazines that would suggest otherwise, guys are fully functioning human beings who arent actually all that different from girls.

The trouble is, in order to get an accurate picture of mens feelings, you have to look in psychology textbooks or scholarly journals. Academic publications on gender psychology, intimate relationships, and human sexualityjournals like Men and Masculinities , Psychological Bulletin, and Sex Rolestheyre all filled with exhaustive, large-scale studies and meta-analyses showing men have needs that extend much further than their penises. And yet, mainstream media is still obsessed with supporting this single stereotypical (and narrow) image of what men are supposedly like because it fits in with our cultural norms and expectations.

But the worst part is, its not just the media that depend on these misinformed ideas. For the most part, the multi-million-dollar self-help dating industry relies on them just as heavily, and gives relationship adviceto men and womenbased on false assumptions about mens psyches. The result is self help that is entirely unhelpful, if not completely counterproductive.

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