Jim Sullivan - Boyfriend 101: A Gay Guys Guide to Dating, Romance, and Finding True Love

Boyfriend 101

A Gay Guys Guide to Dating,
Romance, and Finding True Love

Jim Sullivan

VILLARD / NEW YORK

Contents

TO MY PARENTS,

John F. Sullivan & Florence Sullivan

TO MY GAY BROTHERS AND LESBIAN SISTERS,

those living and those passed on

Acknowledgments

To my wonderful editor, Tim Farrell, whose generosity of spirit and patience helped me see the total picture. To Bruce Tracy and everyone at Random House and Villard.

To all the fabulous gay men I have worked with over the years. You were the inspiration for this book.

To Ram Dass, who helps me be here now. To Mary Cropper, CSW, who encouraged me from the start.

To Malaga Baldi; Ellen Roberts; Katherine Crowley; Bob Morris; Blandon Belushin; Jack Schelgel and Out Professionals. To Cynthia ONeal, Eric Schneider, and everyone at Friends in Deed. To Norbert Sinski; Michael Gast, CSW; Dr. Michael Schroeder; Stephen McFadden, CSW; Walter Zeichner; Susan Lee; David Jackson; Karl Stewart; Patrick Hennessey, M.D.; Marble Collegiate Church; Congregation Beth Simchat Torah; Jim Varriale; Barry Malvin; David Harvey Studios; Joe Windish, Robert Woodworth, and LGBT Center, New York City; David Flower in Provincetown; Bruce Eberhardt; Richard Marfuggi, M.D.; David Colbert, M.D.; Martin Algaze; Gay Mens Health Crisis; Fenway Community Health Center. To Kripalu, which provides me a home away from home. To Esalen, which is just one step from heaven. To Bill W. and Lois.

To all my fellow steppers at Malibu and my very special mens meeting.

To the School Sisters of St. Francis (Milwaukee), who gave me love and taught me how to diagram a sentence.

To all my support angels and friends (you know who you are), including Peter Eurich, Rose Meehan, John Carrigan, Reed Kelly, Lou Martarano, Ken Cottrell, Don Leight, Arnie Kolodner, and Bill Shattls, who blesses me from beyond.

To my brothers and sisters: Dennis, John, Kathryn, Rita, and Joseph Kevin, who left us much too soon.

Introduction

As you begin reading Boyfriend 101, you will encounter the stories of men in whose experiences you may see yourself mirrored. It should be a relief for you to discover youre not alone in finding dating a sometimes difficult endeavor. You may also discover there is no such thing as the perfect date or the perfect relationship. Dating is a process that often leads to a highly desirable resulta long-term, loving relationship. But dating is more than a means to an end. It can be an end in itself. Its a process that I ask youand you should ask yourselfto be open to.

LAWRENCE, THIRTY-ONE

Lawrence, a thirty-one-year-old graphic designer, came to me for a consultation because he felt his dating life was in the pits. He went on several dates a month, but they never seemed to amount to anything more than a friendly dinner or, occasionally, a prelude to sex. Some guys he really liked would not return phone calls after the first date; or he wouldnt return the calls of others who really liked him, if he felt they didnt click. Lawrence feared he was just part of The Big Chase: men running after one another, but not really connecting in any meaningful way.

Lawrences past relationships included a semester-long romance his senior year of college and a five-month involvement with a guy he met at his gym. His other relationships were really serial flings, each lasting no longer than a month. Not having a long-term relationship made Lawrence ashamed, since he felt that all of his friends and acquaintances were happily coupled. He believed he had to meet someone by the time he reached thirtyand had sworn to himself that he wouldbecause he felt certain the pool of attractive, available men would diminish as he grew older.

I told Lawrence theres no shame in not having met a man by age thirty-one. In my work as a relationship counselor in the gay community, I have witnessed men meet life partners at thirty, forty, and fifty years of age, and beyond. Agewhich is just a number in the headcan cause needless panic unless were gentle with ourselves and accept wherever were at along the dating spectrum. Finding a mate is not a race. Some men even choose to remain single, happily.

Lawrence primarily met eligible men at bars/clubs or through online gay dating services. It wasnt hard for Lawrence to meet guys in bars, particularly after a few drinks, but getting a little drunk almost always led to bringing someone home for sex and often never seeing him again. And meeting singles online was not as successful as he thought it might be. He posted a sexy photo of himselfwearing Levis but no shirtwhich mostly attracted guys who only wanted sex. Lawrence felt flattered by these sexually charged responses, but the experience amounted to nothing more than virtual cruising.

He got a new photothis time, with a shirtand although he attracted fewer men, the responses were more serious. Among the ten or so guys he met through the dating service, two were really top-notch, butwhen they met for coffeedidnt turn him on sexually. Lawrence was confused. How can guys be attractive in so many ways, but not sexually? I had to tell him it can sometimes take more than a few dates to feel sexual attraction. Besides, I suggested, in the future he should not close himself off to the possibility of meeting men who might become friends.

Like Lawrence, men new to the dating sceneor returning to dating after a long-term relationship endscan benefit from creating a dating action plan. A coherent, well-organized plan of action provides structure for what can otherwise be an overwhelming experience. Again, dating is a process. Husbands dont land at your door just because you wish it would happen! As part of the dating strategy Lawrence and I created, he planned to:

expand his network of gay friends, thereby providing a firm emotional foundation for his personal life

determine precisely what he wanted and needed in another man

join two gay organizations (social, sports, religious) over a one-month period, and attend at least three organizational events

rewrite his online profile and also write a personal ad for his local gay newspaper

make two to four dates a month

keep to this simple guideline: no sex for the first three dates

The easiest part of Lawrences dating plan was joining two gay organizations: he chose a local gay political group and became a member of the Gay Mens Chorus. Within two months, he had begun cultivating several new friendships and was linked to a larger network of gay men.

Previously, Lawrence had not really thought about what he wanted and needed in another man. As long as a guy was smart, good-looking, and had a job, Lawrence thought he was a good catch. Qualities like honesty, emotional support, commitment, and stability did not appear on Lawrences dating radar screen. When I asked Lawrence to make a list of what he wanted in another man, he was a bit shocked to realize he had let these factors slip by him in the past.

Lawrence went on three dates within six weeks of our first consultation. No sex for the first three dates was the most difficult challenge for him, as it is for most gay men. Concentrating on getting to know someone, and opening oneself up to another man, is, undeniably, tough work: after the first couple of dates, Lawrences impulse was either to call it quits or to have sex with the guy and then end it. But really datingconsciouslymeans growing up and making informed choices about who we want in our lives as friends, family, and lovers. It takes time, commitment, and perseverance to get the love we want in our lives.