Mary McHugh - Clean This!: 300 Reasons to Stop Cleaning

Clean This! copyright 2006 by Mary McHugh. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

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Lets face it nobody really likes to clean. There are a thousand things to do that are more fun and more important. But somehow we have to have a clean house, clean clothes, and clean children so the neighbors wont call the health inspector and our husbands wont leave us for a neater person.

I have come up with more than three hundred ingenious reasons to avoid cleaning, things to do instead of cleaning, and when all else fails, ways to get the cleaning done (or at least give the illusion that you have cleaned) with the least amount of effort from youthings like inviting all the neighborhood kids over for a dog-washing/pizza party when your dog is really smelly. (Just dont let any of the kids in your home afterward.) Spray lemon-scented furniture polish into the air in your living room and people will assume youve dusted. Persuade a TV producer to do a reality show in your housethen his crew will have to clean it. If your husband needs cleaning, ask those five gay guys to come over and neaten him up.

There are all kinds of ways to get the rotten jobs done without your actually moving a muscle. And with all that time you spend not cleaning, you can learn to play the harp, take your child to the circus, sail over the countryside in a hot-air balloon, or take your mother to lunch. Remember: If God had meant us to clean all the time, he wouldnt have given us a brain.

Did you ever try to have a conversation with someone who loves to clean?

My favorite person is a woman I once met who declared when she got married that she would never do laundryand has sent it out ever since.

Dont disturb the cobwebs.
They make wonderful
Halloween decorations.

Lots of children love to vacuum. Exploit this fact.

With any luck, your mother-in-laws eyesight will get weaker as she gets older, and shell think youve become a terrific housekeeper.

There are no Pulitzer Prizes
for Best Housekeeper.

Tell visitors, I dont care
if you write your initials in the dust on my tablejust dont date it.

Follow Roseannes example:
Im not going to vacuum until
Sears makes one you can ride on.

Itll just be dirty again on Thursday.

You could be learning to
play the clarinet.

Twenty-five years from now,
who will care if your house was spotless all the time?

People come to see you ,
not your waxed floors.

You have a choice: Clean out
your closets or meet a friend
for lunch. Its a no-brainer.

Ive never understood people who say,
When Im stressed,
I scrub the kitchen floor.

Cleanliness is next to godliness refers to your personal hygiene,
not your house.

If you cant see through your windows, buy some really
pretty curtains.

Just as youre about to clean out
the refrigerator, your husband
wants to make love. The refrigerator will still be there tomorrow.
Will your husband?

Your two-year-old wants
to go to the parknow.

Plant a lilac bush.

Buy carpets the same color
as the mud your children track into the house.

If you cant stand the sight of a speck of dust in your house, get out of the house and go to a movie.

Nowhere in the marriage
ceremony does it say, I promise
to clean the house every day.

Put gray countertops in
the kitchenthey hide
a multitude of sins.

Youve got dust bunnies as
big as small dogs under the bed?
If anyone looks under the bed,
tell them they are small dogs.

Your teenagers need money to
buy CDs. Your house needs
cleaning. See the connection?

When your children leave
home to go to college or to get married, youll never need to
clean again if youve trained
your husband properly.

Leave the dishes in the sink and go for a bike ride in the springtime.

One of the most beloved
characters in comic strips is
Pigpen in Peanuts .

Whats more important?
A clean kitchen floor or a child
who wants to be read to?

When youre ninety, do you want to look back on clean bathrooms as your major accomplishment?

Do you want the only thing they can think of to say at your funeral to be Her house was really clean?

If your children refuse to clean
their rooms, forget it. Theyll
have to find a place for their
friends to sit down.

Will your children remember
the living room as a place they werent allowed to play in?

Would you rather have your grown children say, The house was always clean, or My mother was always there to do things with us?

If you just have to clean,
make strawberry shortcake with
lots of whipped cream, and
clean up after that.

You just started to clean
the oven and your best friend needs to talk to you about her husbands rotten ex-wife. The oven will still
be there later.

Your three-year-old has made a huge mess painting
a picture of you. Give her a big hug, take her out for an ice cream cone, and worry about the mess later.

Your grandchildren have
come to visit and theres chaos everywhere. Enjoy it!

Get rid of your kitchen.
All you really need are
some vending machines
and a large trash can.

The only reason to
clean is to put off doing something else.

Put forty-watt bulbs in all
your lamps and no one will
see the dust.

Silverware has a nicer sheen if
you dont polish it so much.