Mary McHugh - How to Ruin Your Childrens Lives

Dedicated with love to Alexandra and Leigh Haley
Adrienne Hartman ... and to my daughter, Karen, who refused to be ruined
Mary McHugh S ometimes it seems as if teenagers are from another planet. They used to be such reasonable children, such delightful little people who thought we were wonderful. They were loving and worshipful and brought joy into our hearts each day as we sent them off into the world, confident in our brilliance as parents. ThenSomething Happened. They suddenly turned into hostile creatures who wanted as little to do with us as possible.

It happened around the age of eleven or twelve and continued until they went off to college or out to work, and we suppressedfeelings of relief that they were gone. Sooner or later, every parent is bound to hear the words (usually screamed from another room) Youre ruining my life! Perhaps you are. But if you feel your child-ruining skills are slipping, here are some helpful tips: Repeat often with a sigh, Youth is wasted on the young. When your teenager listens to Just Let Me Cry for the hundredth time, make an appointment for her with a psychiatrist. When your daughter says, You love my brother more than me! say, I was hoping you wouldnt find out. If your teenager stops talking to you, give a special prayer of thanks to God. If your teenager stops talking to you, give a special prayer of thanks to God.

Say you had a better career in mind than a garage mechanic when your teenager says he doesnt want to go to college. Fool yourself into thinking that you can protect your teenager from every disappointment in life. Return all your daughters thongs and replace them with large white underpants. Pretend that seventh grade will be one of the best years of your teenagers life. Get your picture on the front page of the local paper being arrested during a peace march. Wish your teenagers were like your best friends teens. (The truth is, theyre not so great either.) Refuse to let them go to a party at any house where there is a convicted felon in residence. Ask for the bored teenager menu when you go out to eat. Expect them to get up the first time you call them in the morning. Disregard the sign on your teenagers door: DANGER. KEEP OUT. KEEP OUT.

THAT MEANS YOU. OFF LIMITS . Meditate when chaos is all around you. They hate that. Put in ear plugs when they learn to say, Youre ruining my life! Forget what it was like to go to school and see a girl you hate wearing the same shirt you have on. Say to a starving teenaged boy, Dont eat that cookie.

Youll spoil your appetite for dinner. When your daughter comes home suicidal because some boy rejected her, say, There are lots of fish in the sea. Come unglued when you find a Victorias Secret catalog under your sons bed. Read your daughters diary and ask her about the juicy parts. Kiss your date good night in front of your kids after your divorce. Better still, marry him.

Take their bedroom door off its hinges if your teenagers have locked it to keep you out. Say, If you say totally one more time Im going to a sanatorium. Dont assume that just because your daughters eye makeup makes her look like Dracula doesnt mean she will bite someones neck. Understand that your daughters I promise to do better really means I need a ride to the mall. Think they will be fascinated by anything you did that day, including organizing a fair that raised $10,000 for the school library. Think they have the same sense of time that you have, i.e., that theyll get somewhere when they are supposed to. Think they have the same sense of time that you have, i.e., that theyll get somewhere when they are supposed to.

Do not appreciate the fact that her hair is the most important topic of conversation almost any day of the year. Blame peer pressure for rudeness, strange piercings, smoking, tattoos, total noncommunication, hostile stares, and bad breath. Refuse to be a slave. Have a life of your own. Think Whatever! is a friendly remark. Love them no matter what they do.

Consider rejection a rite of passage and stay calm. They hate that.