Shaunti Feldhahn - For Parents Only Discussion Guide: Helping You Get Inside the Head of Your Kid

1 Looking In on Growing Up
Taking a tour inside your kids head and heart

2 Rebel with a Cause
Why even good kids go crazy for freedom,
and how to restore sanity

3 Who Are You?
Why your child suddenly treats you like an alienand
acts like one too

4 The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy
Why your child secretly hopes youllstand your ground

5 I Will Be Here for You
How to help teens feel secure in the ascent to
adulthood, even when they lose their footing

6 Can You Hear Me Now?
Why your teen is convinced he cant talk to you,
and how to change his mind

7 Attitude Adjustment
What mood swings reveal about teens secret fears,
and how you can boost their confidence

8 In Case You Ever Wonder
What your child most wants to tell you

Taking a tour inside your
kids head and heart

I f your experience is anything like ours, we imagine youve found parenting to be a dizzying combination of joy, frustration, amazement, confusion, delight, and anxietysometimes all within a single hour. Its both exciting and sobering to watch as those little fat babies who coo and smile delightedly at us transform into long-legged teenagers who shake their heads over our complete lack of coolness.

It feels like one day were pushing them on the swings and the next were pushing them into college. And that seeming nanosecond of time between the two is, obviously, the most formative period of our childrens lives. As we help our kids navigate these foundational years, most of us realize we need a little guidance ourselves.

As we embarked on several research projects to help people understand those closest to them, the two of us realized that unraveling the mystery of whats going on inside our sons and daughters was one of the most important things we could ever do. So after a year of intensive research, focus groups, and surveys of kids and teens across the country, we revealed our findings in the book For Parents Only.

Theres an ancient Hebrew proverb that says, Happy the generation where the great listen to the small, for it follows that in such a generation the small will listen to the great. It is for this reason were relaying to you what our children are privately thinking and feeling, even though we certainly do not endorse all of it. But we believe listening to these heart cries is a critical step in building the relationship that will allow your kids to listen to you and your guidance for years to come.

The chart below offers a summary of the six key insights we uncovered about the inner lives of kidsthe things they say too many parents just dont get. The left column outlines what we often assume about our kids based on their behavior when they hit the tween and teen years, while the right column reveals the surprises about whats really going inside their minds and hearts.

As we travel and speak to various groups about these and other findings, we frequently hear, How can I apply these truths to my life, with my kids?

This discussion guide will help you do just that. Its designed to be used in two different ways: (1) as a catalyst for group discussion and life application with other parents, and (2) as a helpful road map for initiating some eye-opening conversations with your child.

Each chapter in this guide corresponds to a chapter subject in the main book:

• : Freedom

• : Identity

• : Taking Charge

• : Security

• : Listening

• : Attitude

• : How Your Kid Really Feels About You

For consistency and ease of use, each chapter follows the same format, opening with tools for group discussion and personal reflection, then highlighting practical ways to test and apply your insights in your daily interaction with your child.

Each chapter has basically the same layout. Among other features youll find:

• a Recap of key insights from the book

• Key Questions for discussion and/or personal reflection

• Life Story case studies with follow-up questions for practice in getting inside your kids head (in other words, learning the skill of reading their minds)

• a Kid Perspective and a Parent Responsea new quote that reflects what a real-life teen is thinking about the topic at hand, and an opportunity for you to respond to that input

• Weekly Challengesaction items to help you practice your new insights during the week

And also

• Bringing It Homestandalone sections (that parents can use even without a group) to help you connect with your child on each topic and hear what he or she has to say

Because every discussion group has its own character and goals, and each individual parent has different primary concerns, this guide is designed to be flexible. You can use it over any number of weeks, mixing and matching the different elements in whatever way best suits your needs.

For example, your group may opt to cover only a single subject over one or two sessions, trying to hit as many of the different features as time allows. Alternatively, you may want to combine chapters and only tackle the Key Questions in each. Your group may even want to skip most of the Key Questions and focus your time on the case studies and Weekly Challenges. We encourage you to pick and choose the combination that works best for you.