Mary McHugh - If I Get Hit By a Bus Tomorrow, Heres How to Replace the Toilet Paper Roll: A Womens Instructional Guide for Men

2010 Mary McHugh

All Rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the Publisher.

Published by Willow Creek Press

P.O. Box 147, Minocqua, Wisconsin 54548

For information on other Willow Creek Press titles, call 1-800-850-9453

ISBN: 978-1-6234-3555-4

CONTENTS

Ive noticed a strange phenomenon among very smart men. They can run conglomerates; they can win complicated cases in court; they can invent the microprocessor; they can run the country; but they cant find the butter.

Every woman Ive talked to who has a man like that in her life tells me the same thing. Hes a brilliant engineer, they say, but when Im out of town on business, he cant figure out how to turn the dishwasher on.

So for women of all ages everywhere, Id like to perform a public service and provide an instruction manual for men so they can change the toilet paper roll, bake a potato, do the laundry, empty the dishwasher and make dinner for themselves or any small child who is hungry.

Im starting off with finding the butter because if I start with instructions on making the toast, the toast will be cold by the time you figure out where the butter is.

I would have thought Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man could have figured out where the butter is, until I married you and on our first morning as man and wife, after our honeymoon at a resort in Hawaii where the butter was in little round sculpted balls right in front of you on a very small table, you came into the kitchen and kissed me and sat down at the table and said, Wheres the butter?

I was too much in love with you to say, Where the #$$%^% do you think the butter is? Its where the butter has always been since someone invented the butter churn. IN THE FRIDGE!

Over the years, I waited for you to find the butter all by yourself, but since you never did, Im leaving you instructions on finding it in case I die suddenly from an apoplectic fit.

First, find the kitchen.

Its the room with the sink in it. If theres also a toilet in there, youll know youve wandered into the powder room. Find a room with a sink and a stove in it.

Second, locate the refrigerator.

Its a large white box-shaped appliance with a door.

Third, open the fridge and find the small door with the butter inside. Its on the right hand corner of the refrigerator door.

Lift up this little dooryou cannot slide it open.

Inside the little door you will see a glass container with something yellow inside it. Thats the butter.

Take it out, lift off the glass cover, and voila! You have found the butter!

Now all you have to do is make the toast.

All of this is just the beginning step in making breakfast for yourself if I should desert you by going to the hospital to have my appendix out or if I should run off with the man down the street who has a house on the ocean on Cape Cod. Once you have found the butter, the next logical thing is making the toast and coffee and frying an egg without calling me in the hospital or on Cape Cod.

Lets start with the toaster. I know youve seen me make toast a thousand times, but I feel I need to be more specific about the way it works because one time I put the bread in the toaster and went off to put a load of wash in the washing machine for a couple of minutes and when I came back the bread was the same color it was when I left.

Wheres my toast? you asked. You poured my coffee but you didnt give me my toast. I always try to be pleasant in the morning, working on the theory that if I start off the day without saying, Youre an idiot! Ive come a long way on the evolutionary ladder and Ive also taken one giant step for womankind in its vain attempt to civilize the men who stumble across their path. So I merely said, Are you crippled? You have to get up from your chair and push the thing down to make toast.

The Anatomy of a Toaster

You probably wont want the whole wheat bread because its healthy. The rye bread says real Jewish rye but youre allowed to eat it even though were not Jewish. Dont be confused by the cocktail in front of the pumpernickel. You dont have to mix a drink to eat it. But you dont want it for breakfast. Stick with the white bread.

Decide whether you want one slice or two.

Usually its one for breakfast and two for a sandwich. Luckily, you will remember there are two slots in the toaster in case its lunchtime. Put the bread in the toaster. If youre only toasting one piece, its all right. The toaster can make just one slice.

Put the dial thing on the middle setting.

Now this part is somewhat difficult. On the front of the toaster (one of the short sides) you will see a little dial that determines how brown the toast will be. The left side of the dial is practically raw toast. The right side of the dial is burnt toast. You want something in between, so turn the dial to the middle.

Push the lever down.

If nothing happens after a few minutes, take the plug that is attached to the toaster (theres only one plug) and put it into the electric outlet right next to the toaster. I know there are two outlets, but they both work.

Wait for the popping noise.

That doesnt mean youve broken the toaster. It means the toast is ready.

Butter the toast.

Put the toast on a plate (from the cupboard just above the toaster and breadboxI planned it that way) and if you havent lost the butter or given it away to the cleaning lady, spread some on the toast with a knife. Im too exhausted to tell you where the knives are so see if you can figure it out yourself or eat dry toast or buy a bagel on the way to the office or go hungry. Im losing the will to live. But I wont run away from home before I tell you how to make coffee. Youll need lots of coffee, especially if your next wife is not the saint I am.