Barry Healey - The Sex Life of the Amoeba

I ONCE TOLD Vlad I thought I was asexual.

A sexual what? he asked.

Not a sexual, asexual.

What is asexual?

Without sex, at least, not involving sex.

An asexual is someone who is not having sex?

Yes.

Like us?

I cant speak for you, but yes, on my side.

Vlad looked at me with pity, the Russian kind that flows from deep within the soul. Sarah, I dont want to pry but you are young woman having life with no sex?

Sort of, I mean, its not like I planned it or anything, it just happened, and its habit now, sort of.

Like marriage, Vlad said wistfully.

I wouldnt know.

So asexuals, are they in favour of some-sex marriage?

Vlads quips defuse your concerns only fleetingly. I had felt asexual since puberty. It wasnt that I wasnt passionate I thought I might be, but I didnt know. Mostly, I felt like an amoeba sexless.

During my university years, Id had a somewhat relationship with Brad who, at 30, was still writing his doctoral thesis on the mating habits of sea slugs (they were more passionate than we were) and wasnt paying attention when it ended. I was articling, putting in long days at Butbung, Drucker & Warthogh, where none of the males were even remotely romantic none had passion potential none. Romance is a knockdown from the right brain and lawyers (especially corporate ones) always lead with their left.

So after BD&W, I had doubts about a future in law. I wanted time to think and to travel but I had no money. So I went job hunting, which is how I met Lszl.

My movies, he explained during the interview, are sexy, but for sophisticate audience. Like all Hungarians Ive known (two), Lszl is compact and stocky, has a vault full of charm, wears impeccably-tailored suits (without a tie), and smells like the cologne mart of a department store. Glancing at his watch, he nodded. Come, he said and, driving off in his ancient Mercedes, I wondered if this was a test.

So tell me why you want to be secretary.

I dont ... necessarily. I need to make money.

What you want money for?

To go to London.

London?

I want to see English theatre.

Ah, theatre, he muttered. When I go to theatre, I fall asleep. Actors talk too much. Not like movies which are vibrations of life. In movies, everything is possible. Even though Lszl immigrated here 17 years ago, his English remains in the experimental stage.

After a few blocks, he pulled into the parking lot attached to Willington Heights High School, stopping near a group of movie trucks. Zombies, vampires, witches and princesses stood near a catering table, eating buns, drinking coffee, smoking, gossiping, and peering at their cells. Lszl strode past them into the gym, through the Halloween dance set, and down a hall to one of the classrooms, inside which movie lights, a camera and crew were focused on the teachers desk. Behind the desk sat a young, brown-skinned actor, French-kissing an older woman on his lap.

A rodent-like man yelled Cut when he saw Lszl and everyone stopped.

Good morning, everybody, said Lszl pleasantly, taking the rodent-like man aside. I am looking at footage, he said quietly, and not seeing passion, so I show you what I want. He took a paper from his pocket and, glancing at it, walked to where the actors were waiting.

Good morning, Gloria, Jesus.

Heysus, the actor said.

Lszl peered at him.

Its pronounced Heysus.

Lszl glanced at the paper again and smiled at the woman. This morning, we are shooting most important scene in movie. Miss Jensen is teacher who is bored because students are deadheads except Raoul who is excited by you older sophisticated woman. In class he is looking sideways always to you and making trouble so you will look to him. He is sending vibrations to you, and you are thinking maybe you would like to feel young mans passion. It is forbidden by school, but you think maybe he needs older woman. You are watching him. And you, Raoul, are always looking at Miss Jensen. She is most beautiful teacher in school, and you are most handsome student, so you are wanting each other, badly. Now we do take.

Lszl glanced at the Assistant Director.

Lock it up, please, the A.D. called out.

The actress sat at the desk, the actor standing a few feet away.

Picture up. As the camera rolled, Lszl nodded at the rodent-like man who yelled: Action.

Raoul ambled up to the desk. Ms. Jensen?

The actress looked up.

Why do I have to stay after class?

I thought we should have a talk.

About what?

Your lessons.