Sam Jordison - The 10 Worst of Everything: The Big Book of Bad

THE 10 WORST
OF EVERYTHING

First published in Great Britain in 2018 by
Michael OMara Books Limited
9 Lion Yard
Tremadoc Road
London SW4 7NQ

Copyright Sam Jordison

All rights reserved. You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN: 978-1-78929-024-0 in hardback print format
ISBN: 978-1-78929-029-5 in ebook format

www.mombooks.com

To Elly and Polly

CONTENTS

I f youre old enough to remember back to 1997, youll remember the popular refrain from the D:Ream song, telling us that things can only get better. Back then, the idea didnt seem entirely ludicrous. Students still received free university education, the Cold War was receding in historys rear-view mirror, Bill Clinton was president and New Labour were about to take over in the UK. There was also a strong feeling that most of the twentieth century had been such a godawful mess that it would be a big stretch for us to actually make things worse. But that was then: the happy days before Brexit and Trump. It turns out we did find ways to make things worse.

We usually do.

Humans have notched up some outstanding achievements over the ages, but the majority of us have always been more likely to stuff up. For every Julius Caesar, there were thousands of Gauls running screaming into battle, semi-naked and doomed. For every John Lennon, there are millions of us who have never got further than singing badly into a mirror with a hairbrush microphone. Before the Wright brothers took to the sky, there were thousands of poor fools vainly flapping the wings theyd attached to their arms and plummeting to earth

Most books celebrate the exceptions rather than the rule. They focus on the over-achievers, the unique and strange success stories. They dont provide a fair reflection of the general tide of history but they do make your average reader feel, well, more average. The 10 Worst of Everything is here to redress this imbalance and show that you maybe shouldnt take it too badly if your own plans arent working out. In fact, youre on the side of humanity. Theres still more that we dont know than we do know. Theres always more to put right. Theres more to life than is dreamt of in most of our philosophies. And theres nearly always someone worse off than you. Which is reassuring.

Its also often amusing. And fascinating. Just as we can learn a lot from our own mistakes, theres plenty to be gleaned from all the other things that have gone wrong. And, given that there are so many of them, were in luck.

True to this messy state of the world, the route The 10 Worst of Everything takes isnt always direct, and Ive never feared taking a diversion if Ive spotted something interesting along the way. I should also note for the benefit of any determined literalists reading these words that I havent actually managed to squeeze all the bad things into this volume. I love a good list but have assumed there are natural limits. My intention is for this book to provide a good compendium of facts about the world, some useful information about places to avoid, and various mind-boggling ideas about medicine, history, sport, food, culture, science and all the daft things we do to each other.

Of course, its up for debate how we measure how bad something might be. Where there are useful statistics and recorded data, Ive done my best to check and include them. I mention this research because Im so keen to let you know Ive done it. Im not just making this crazy stuff up. And finding out the facts was often quite challenging. It hasnt always been easy to find reliable information about many of the subjects covered in these pages. But it has been all too easy to find unreliable information. Ive previously written a book about fake news but it turns out that theres almost as much false information about the kinds of things you might want to put into Top Tens on the internet as there is about Trump and Brexit. But no matter the truth is out there and I hope Ive been able to bring it to you. And where there are genuine authorities on the different topics I have done my best to acknowledge them.

Otherwise, its pretty much me. By their nature, many of these lists are subjective and you are more than welcome to judge them accordingly. I say this not only to pre-empt anyone hoping to start making worst book jokes, but because I think part of the fun of any kind of chart is thinking about its faults. I hope youll enjoy disagreeing with me as well as laughing along with me about the ridiculous plots of romantic comedy films, wincing at the sheer nasty power of crocodiles and groaning about our leaders. Although Im right about BMWs, as youll see when you get to that part. I dont think there should be any argument there

Throughout history, we humans have got an awful lot wrong. On the plus side, we have at least managed to survive this far. Which is no mean feat especially given how much of creation appears to be arrayed against us.

Parasites can most simply be defined as organisms that derive nutrients at another organisms expense. Total capitalist bastards, in other words.

Tapeworm

Huge long worms that live in your gut, grow several feet in length, shed segments of themselves, lay eggs inside you and ugh! ugh! form cysts that migrate around you, hoping you will die and rot in the street so they can move on to infect whatever other animals eat you.

Scabies mite

These little bandits burrow into your skin and defecate in your blood, producing unbearable itching. If youre especially lucky, theyll bring along millions of their friends with them and give you crusted scabies which is every bit as awful as it sounds.

Screwworm fly

The Latin for screwworm fly is Cochliomyia hominivorax. Cochliomyia means twisted worm a pretty direct alternative for the English term screwworm. Hominivorax means man-eating. And thats because this delinquent creature lays maggots inside open wounds which then burrow into your flesh with special cutting jaws. If you try to remove them, they burrow deeper, troughing their way through muscles, blood vessels and sometimes vital organs.

Australian paralysis tick

It gets worse. Not only do these unspeakable little terrorists lend you all their diseases when they drink your blood, they secrete a toxin that causes paralysis and, in some cases, stops your lungs from working.

Ascaris

This is a fairly common worm infection. But just because ascaris worms infest lots of bodies that doesnt make them any less foul. Theyre bad enough when theyre gushing out of your rear like great clumps of nightmare spaghetti. But they can also get to your lungs. And in that case, they sometimes start to crawl out of your mouth and nose. Which is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to you on a date aside from hearing your love interest declaring they voted for Donald Trump.