Jimmy Jones - Now This is a Very True Story: The Autobiography of a Comedy Legend

GARRY BUSHELL

AS JIMMY JONES jumps off the stage and walks through the audience, the people closest to him squirm like live bait in a bucket. Those who have been before know what to expect and they brace themselves accordingly.

A bashful young blonde is the first to enjoy a personal encounter with the legendary Cockney comedian. Look at your hand shaking, Jimmy says. He flashes the rest of us an evil grin and adds, in a voice heavy with suggestion, It seems a shame to waste it

He pauses and adds: Ive got a little treat for you later on, and it wont melt in your hand.

A busty brunette behind her tries hard to keep a straight face. Dont look so serious my dear, Jones says with mock concern. Pause, beat. You might have yer dates wrong Is that your usband? Lucky bastard!

He goes on in a conspiratorial tone. I pulled a bird in ere last night, he tells the couple. She said, Give me 12 inches and hurt me. So I pushed it in six times and punched her in the ear-hole.

Theyre laughing now, but Jones hasnt finished with her old man. Did she buy you that shirt, mate? Jimmy asks. The bloke nods.

She must kin hate you!

What you doing wearing a shirt like that, you scatty bastard? The crowd are in hysterics, Jones decides to soften the blow. No, it looks good he assures him, turning to the rest of us and saying in a loud stage whisper: Id kin burn it!

He moves on to a smart blonde in a white halter neck. Where are you from, darling? Talk to Jim. Where? East Grinstead? Oh theyre posh there, they get out of the bath to have a piss, dont they? Not like us, we piss in the flannel and wring it out. Look at you all in white, you bloody liar! Which ones your husband? Go on, which one? Its this one here, isnt it? Havent you got little hands, I bet it dont half make his dick look big.

Jones turns to the crowd. Well its true! Well its no good going out with a bird who has got big hands, shes got hold of your dick and youve got none left. You wanna see your helmet hanging over the end, dont you?

Laughter, applause; heads nod in agreement. Have you got any kids, my darling? Yes? How many? Six! Strewth. Must be something in the air down there beat possibly yer legs.

I was a teenager in the early 70s when I first saw Jimmy Jones live in South London. I had never laughed so much in my life. Jones was already a legend in working class circles they even played his tapes on picket lines. But nothing had prepared me for the full onslaught of his live show. Gag after gag came flying at us. There were one-liners, true stories, bad taste jokes delivered in cod accents, and plenty of good-natured banter with the crowd especially the women. The humour was as broad as the Thames is at Greenwich.

On paper now, and seen through todays narrow PC-tinted spectacles, some of Jims material inevitably seems offensive. But the atmosphere at his pilchard-packed gigs was warmer than the goods that changed hands in most of the backstreet London pubs and clubs he was performing in. Jimmy Jones managed something magical: he created his own comedy universe. He was also the first ever British comic to release adult stand-up on record and later on video.

The world of Jones was similar to the Carry On movies but much bluer. It was a world driven mostly by sex, where lengths were slipped and portions were enthusiastically delivered.

It was filth, but compared to todays humour, it was almost wholesome. Jones famously didnt swear at first, instead he had his own catchphrase: Kinnell! which he claimed was short for blinking hell and you can please yer kin selves if you kin believe me or you kin dont.