Robert Byrne - The 2548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said

ALSO BY ROBERT BYRNE NONFICTION McGoorty, A Pool Room Hustler
Byrnes New Standard Book of Pool and Billiards
Byrnes Treasury of Trick Shots in Pool and Billiards
Byrnes Advanced Technique in Pool and Billiards
Byrnes Wonderful World of Pool and Billiards
The 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
The Other 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
The Thirdand Possibly the Best637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
The Fourthand by Far the Most Recent637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
The Fifth and Far Finer than the First Four 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
Writing Rackets
Cat Scan: All the Best from the Literature of Cats (editor)
Every Day is Fathers Day (editor) FICTION Thrill
Byrnes Book of Great Pool Stories
Mannequin
Skyscraper
Always a Catholic
The Dam
The Tunnel
Memories of a Non-Jewish ChildhoodThe 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
copyright 1982 by Robert Byrne
The Other 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
copyright 1984 by Robert Byrne
The Thirdand Possibly the Best637 Best Things
Anybody Ever Said copyright 1986 by Robert Byrne
The Fourthand by Far the Most Recent637 Best Things
Anybody Ever Said copyright 1990 by Robert Byrne These titles were originally published individually. All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. This edition specially printed for Borders Books by Simon & Schuster, Inc.
www.SimonandSchuster.com 2006 Borders Books ISBN-13: 978-1-4165-4035-9
ISBN-10: 1-4165-4035-0
eISBN-13: 978-0-7432-7755-6 Printed and bound in the United States of America 05 06 07 08 09 10 M 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

The quotes you hold in your hand first saw the light of day as four separate collections of 637 each. Five years ago, the four appeared as an anthology of the 2,548 best things anybody ever said with four introductions and four indexes of sources, authors, and key words. If you were looking for something on a particular subject or by a favorite wag, if you were trying to track down a half-remembered line, you had four places to look. In this new edition, the introductions and reference lists have been combined into one and the quotes are numbered from 1 to 2,548, not four times from 1 to 637.

The streamlining will enable many readers, writers, and speakers to more easily feign a sense of humor where none exists. Why 2,548 quotes instead of, say, 2,547? I didnt want to leave a good one out. Why not 2,549? I didnt want any padding. The goal was simply to compile the best (funniest) things ever said (or written), zingers that can be used in everyday life without the odor of pomposity. Look elsewhere for rosy words of uplift or inspiration, unless you are uplifted and inspired by lines more appropriate for performers than pontificators. A serious attempt was made to eliminate the chaff and retain only the wheat, which is to say that you should be able to open the book to any page and be glad you did.

Many of the quotes are clustered by subject, but the subjects arent ordered according to the alphabet. It struck me as logical, for example, to follow remarks about Love with those about Sex, Wedlock, Self-Abuse, Kids, Drink, and Death, in that order. In most books of this kind, Sex is followed by such unrelated topics as Shakespeare, Sickness, and Socialism and there is no category for Self-Abuse at all. I feel bad about most of the quotes attributed to celebrities, for in almost every case, Im willing to bet, the wit was supplied by a publicist or gagwriter. As a rule, celebrities arent funny without help. Many non-celebrities are funny, though, at least once in a while, which is why there are so many lines in these pages from unknowns who took the time to send me contributions.

One is a man who calls himself Strange de Jim. Should he appear in the Index of Authors under Strange or de? Then there is Hal Lee Luyah, who appears five times. Is that a pseudonym or did his parents call him that to have something to shout on Easter Sunday? I quote myself a few times, too, which comes under the heading Abuse of Editorial Privilege. I apologize for that and other character flaws. A word about the antique line cuts, since nobody asked. They are taken from several dozen collections, most of them published by Dover, totaling around 15,000 images.

Its not easy matching up a drawing with a quote. Imagine my joy when I found the perfect one for Number 424, Nietzsches observation that only sick music makes money today. Have fun. I did. Robert Byrne
Dubuque, Iowa

Why dont you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. G. G.

Wodehouse (18811975)

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? Woody Allen If I had been present at creation, I would have given some useful hints. Alfonso the Wise (12211284) The gods play games with men as balls. Titus Maccius Plautus (254?184 B.C.) He was a wise man who invented God. Plato (427?348? B.C.) Plato is a bore. Friedrich Nietzsche (18441900) It is the final proof of Gods omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us. Ralph Waldo Emerson (18031882) God has always been hard on the poor. Jean Paul Marat (17431793) Man is certainly stark mad. Jean Paul Marat (17431793) Man is certainly stark mad.

He cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens. Montaigne (15531592)

The good Lord never gives you more than you can handle. Unless you die of something. Guindon cartoon caption If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said No. Margaret Stevie Smith (19021971) Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or creed. Hervey Allen (18891949) The chicken probably came before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg. Unknown In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce. Francesco Caracciolo (17521799) Living with a saint is more grueling than being one. Robert Neville He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic. Kingsley Amis Everybody should believe in something; I believe Ill have another drink. Unknown Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. Mark Twain (18351910) The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around. Herb CaenNext page