Robert Byrne - The 2,548 Wittiest Things Anybody Ever Said

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eBookNews.SimonandSchuster.com A fresh selection of sharp, witty zingers gathered from both famous and utterly unknown (but very quotable) sources, by the editor of the popular The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said Robert Byrnes quote books are widely praised as authoritative and accessible sources of sayings for any and all occasions. Byrnes own wit, diligent research, and creativity combine to form a fresh go-to reference that serves readers better than Googleno Wi-Fi required.

The 2,548 Wittiest Things Anybody Ever Said is an all-new collection of clever quips and laugh-out-loud punch lines from Gracie Allen to Frank Zappa, on such topics as sex, divorce, religion, fashion, animals, and money: STEVE MARTIN Id do anything for a good body except exercise and eat right. JON STEWART War is Gods way of teaching Americans geography. NORA EPHRON Successful parents have adult children who can pay for their own psychoanalysis. This compilation, to be enjoyed by generations young and old, deserves a place of honor on every language lovers bookshelf. PRAISE FOR ROBERT BYRNE'S PREVIOUS BOOKS OF QUOTATIONS Wise and funny. Los Angeles Times An ideal bedside book.

The Washington Post Like eating peanutsonce you start its hard to stop. Forbes ROBERT BYRNE is the author of seven novels, five collections of witty quotations, seven books on billiards, and an expos of frauds in the literary world. Byrne was born and raised in Dubuque, Iowa, where he has a regular humor column in the Telegraph Herald . Visit his web-site at www.byrne.org. MEET THE AUTHORS, WATCH VIDEOS AND MORE AT SimonandSchuster.com THE SOURCE FOR READING GROUPS COVER DESIGN BY CHRISTOPHER LIN Facebook.com/TouchstoneBooks
Twitter.com/TouchstoneBooks ALSO BY ROBERT BYRNE NONFICTION McGoorty: A Pool Room Hustler Byrnes New Standard Book of Pool and Billiards Byrnes Treasury of Trick Shots in Pool and Billiards Byrnes Advanced Technique in Pool and Billiards Byrnes Wonderful World of Pool and Billiards The 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said The Other 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said The Thirdand Possibly the Best637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said The Fourthand by Far the Most Recent637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said The Fifth and Far Finer Than the First Four 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said Writing Rackets Cat Scan: All the Best from the Literature of Cats (editor) Every Day Is Fathers Day (editor) FICTION Thrill Byrnes Book of Great Pool Stories Mannequin Skyscraper Always a Catholic The Dam The Tunnel Memories of a Non-Jewish Childhood ESSAYS Behold My Shorts Touchstone
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www.SimonandSchuster.com Copyright 2012 by Robert Byrne All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Touchstone Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Touchstone trade paperback edition May 2012 TOUCHSTONE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc. The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data The 2,548 wittiest things anybody ever said / selected and compiled
by Robert Byrne.
p. cm.
A Touchstone book.
1. 2. 2.

Wit and humor. I. Byrne, Robert, 1930
PN6081.A129 2012
082dc23
2011041236 ISBN 978-1-4516-4890-4
ISBN 978-1-4516-4891-1 (ebook) Dedicated with love to my wife, Cindy, who is one in a million or at least 500,000. The day that is most completely wasted is the one in which you did not laugh. Chamfort (17411794)

My first collection of quotes came out in 1982 and was based on a notebook I had been keeping for a decade called Remarks Worth Remembering. When there were enough good ones for a book, I counted them and found 637, so that number became part of the title. The book sold so well in both hardcover and paperback that there were sequels with similar titles... in 1984, 1986, and 1990. Are you good at arithmetic? Then it has already struck you that 4 times 637 is 2,548. An omnibus of the four 637s was published by Touchstone, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, in 2003, titled The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said.

Note that in the title of the present volume the word wittiest replaces best. True, the emphasis is more strongly on wit this time, but the earlier collection has a whole hell of a lot of witty one-liners. (Note to self: You also used hell in the first sentence. Take one out.) Lines such as the following would be in the book you hold if they werent already in the 2003 collection: How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? (Woody Allen) The United States is like the guy at the party who gives everybody cocaine and still nobody likes him. (Jim Samuels) A terrible thing happened again last nightnothing. (Madonna) Its relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows Im an idiot. (Warren Thomas) In breeding cattle, you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless the cows are known sluts. (Johnny Carson) Are you the analytical type? Then you will notice that while the quotes are grouped by subject, the subjects arent ordered according to the alphabet. (Johnny Carson) Are you the analytical type? Then you will notice that while the quotes are grouped by subject, the subjects arent ordered according to the alphabet.