Dee Simon - Play Something Dancy

PLAY

SOMETHING

DANCY

The Tragic Tales of a Strip Club DJ

by

Dee Simon

Copyright 2012 by Dee Simon

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form without written permission, except by reviewers who may quote brief excerpts in connection with a review.

Published by The Reach-Around Foundation

Authors Note: This book is a collection of short stories that occurred during a five-year period of my life. Regrettably, the events of this book are real; however, in order to protect myself from criminal prosecution and civil liability, names, locations, and identifying characteristics had to be changed. The dialogue and events have been recreated solely from memory, and Ive smoked a lot of drugs since these events occurred. With that in mind, some of the dialogue and certain events may have been altered, combined, and even fabricated at times to convey the substance of what was said or what occurred.

Grateful acknowledgement is made for permission to reprint the following material: Excerpt from Sweat Loaf by the Butthole Surfers. Copyright 1987 by Touch and Go Records. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Cover design by Dee Simon & the evil twin (sashaloobkoff.com)

Cover photo: Dallas Stoeckel (dstokephoto.com)

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN-13: 978-0-9883474-1-0

for

Kessler

CONTENTS

Daddy, what does regret mean?

Well son, the funny thing about regret is,

Its better to regret something you have done,

Than to regret something you havent done.

And by the way,

if you see your mom this weekend,

Be sure and tell her, Satan, Satan, Satan!

Butthole Surfers

Lexi

Are you going to fuck me?

What?

Are you going to fuck me?

What time is it?

I dont fucking know.

It felt like I had fractured my brain. My head throbbed intensely. I awoke to find a woman in her mid-to-late thirties with massive fake breasts straddling me. It was sometime in the early morning. Wincing in pain, I watched the sunlight slowly creep through the crumpled plastic blinds that covered the windows of my studio apartment. I had no recollection of how the woman ended up here. I just hoped that if I had fucked her I used a condom.

Well, if youre not going to fuck me, do you have any more Jack?

Yeah, its over there on the table.

She rolled off me and sauntered toward the kitchen table. Her skin was tanned and she had messy bleached-blonde hair. She grabbed a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels and took a healthy swig. And then another. And then one more.

Do you want some?

No.

Slowly the events from last night were drifting back into my mind. I remembered being at a punk show at Slims. Did the Dwarves play or was it Bottles and Skulls? Was it Thursday night or Friday night? I think it was Thursday night. I forget. When you work nights, the days seem to meld together. I must have run into this girl at the club. Things were beginning to make sense now. Her name was Lexi. That wasnt her real name. It was her stage name. I didnt bother to learn their real names. We worked together at the Ruby Club. I took a few seconds to admire her figure. She looked good for her age. Im sure a healthy balance of cocaine and Pilates could make anyone look good. Lexi slammed the bottle down on the table and rifled through my kitchen drawers.

What are you doing? What are you looking for? I was clearly irritated.

Wheres the blow? I know we didnt do it all.

I dont know. Fuck. You dont need it right now. You need to go back to bed.

I covered my head with a pillow and tried to ignore this annoyance in my personal space. Strippers are fun to have sex with, but its definitely not fun trying to get them to leave the next morning. Lexi found my feeble attempt to hide rather amusing and ran over and jumped on top of me. Despite my protests, she pulled the blanket off and practically sliced through the skin with her sharp fingernails as she groped my crotch.

Jesus. Would you leave me the fuck alone?

Damn. Youre no fun, asshole. Do you have any porn?

Ugghh. Yeah. Somewhere. On top of the DVD player.

She hastily dismounted and threw the blanket over my head. I heard her flipping through my DVDs. I had a rather extensive collection of porn. Eventually, she came across one she fancied.

How do you turn this thing on?

Give me that.

I snatched the remote out of her hand and started the movie. The face of a woman with an enormous cock in her mouth filled the screen. I tried to go back to sleep. Lexi lay back on the bed and played with herself. She was aroused within minutes and moaned loudly. It was obvious that she purposely put on quite a performance because she knew that I was trying to ignore her. She lay on top of me, lifted her back into an arch, and masturbated so fast that her hand was a blur. The moans transformed into screams and it was obvious to both of us that I wasnt going back to sleep. I had no choice but to fuck her. Maybe afterward shell leave. My plan was to disappoint her on a grand scale. I would fuck her as quickly as possible and then go back to sleep. She started giving me head and I could tell she was well practiced. I think she might have done this one or two thousand times before. I slipped on a condom and turned her around so that I could enter her from behind. From this new perspective, I surveyed her vagina like a passerby who just happened upon a vehicular homicide. Without exaggeration, it looked like someone had ignited an M80 in a pastrami sandwich. Her labia were enormous and grey-blue in color. They literally hung in loose folds flanking her gaping hole. It was clear to me that I would be physically unable to please her. Ive read that the average penis falls somewhere between five to seven inches. I would say that Im well within that category; but Lexi definitely needed an above-average penis if she hoped to receive any pleasure from this sexual encounter. In fact, I think John Holmes would have shied away from this challenge. Regardless, I decided to give it my best shot. I plugged away for about five minutes when she began to moan softly. I assumed this was some type of act, but at least it was somewhat encouraging. Suddenly, she really got into it and violently forced her ass against my thighs.

Fuck me! You motherfucking piece of shit. Fuck my fucking pussyhole! Fuck me! Fuck me! she screamed.

Okay. I will. You got it. Ill fuck your pussyhole hard.

I tried to sound enthused. Well, as much as I could considering the situation. But Ive never been good at sex talk. Its always been awkward for me. My friends tell me that you need to free yourself within the moment and say whatever comes to mind as long as it sounds sexy. But Ive always felt too self-conscious hurling sexual epithets at a woman. Its unnatural and out of character for me. And if I start thinking too much about something appropriate to say, I lose focus on the matter at hand and then risk either prematurely ejaculating or, even worse, losing my erection. Im like Woody Allen when it comes to sex. Its a complex psychological operation for me.

Are you gonna fuck me with your hard cock? Are you? Fuck me now, you fucking shit bitch!

Shit bitch? Really? I chose to ignore that one and began fucking her as hard and as fast as I could. But, despite my efforts, my penis was drowning in a sea of vagina. This wasnt a hotdog in a hallway situation; rather this was a hotdog in a mineshaft situation. Finally, I finished and fell forward in exhaustion. She didnt seem to realize that I was done and continued slamming her ass into me.