Wolf Haas - Brenner and God

My grandmother always used to say to me, when you die, theyre gonna give that mouth of yours its own funeral. So you see, a person can change. Because today I am the epitome of silence. And itd take something out of the ordinary to get me started. The days when everything used to set me off are over. Listen, why should every bloodbath wind up in my pint of beer? Like Ive been saying for some time now, its up to the boys to take care of. My motto, as it were.

Personally, I prefer to look on the positive side of life these days. Not just Murder He Wrote all the time, and who-got-who with a bullet, a knife, an extension cord, or what all else I dont know. Me, Im far more interested in the nice people now, the quiet ones, the normals, the ones who youd say-they lead their regular lives, abide by the law, dont mistake themselves for the good lord when they get up in the morning, just nice tidy lives. Propriety and all.

Look at Kressdorfs chauffeur, for example. Kressdorf, Lion of Construction, surely you know his trucks with the green letters KREBA, short for Kressdorf Bau. Theyve done a lot of work in Munich, you may have seen it, here, here, and there. And then theres this MegaLand were getting now. But this isnt about Kressdorf, its about his chauffeur. Because naturally a man like Kressdorf has got a chauffeur; he cant drive himself everywhere, not a chance. Certainly not since he got married-the young bride in Vienna, the KREBA headquarters in Munich, and now a two-year-old child-simplest for them all to meet in the middle, say, in Kitzbuhel. Because in Kitzbuhel, of course, youve got the businesses, the contacts, you get the idea. For a child this cant be good either, back and forth all the time, and I reckon Kressdorfs daughter already thinks the autobahn is her nursery. But I have to admit shes a nice kid. Not like kids today usually are-no please, no thank you, no hello, no good-bye. Then again, its a good thing they do behave like that, because at least that way you can tell them apart from the adults. It used to be more by size that you could tell-a small one was a child and a big one was an adult. But today the kids grow so fast that you cant use size as a point of reference anymore-is that the chief physician striding out of the maternity ward, or is it the newborn itself? And even then its the exact opposite of how it used to be-rule of thumb, the less arrogant ones the physician.

So I was just saying, the maternity ward. Kressdorfs wife was a doctor who had her own practice, a small clinic in an office suite right downtown. A good doctor, but unfortunately a lot of problems lately with the churchgoers in front of the building, by which I mean demonstrators. They were against abortion because that was just their conviction, it shouldnt exist, a thousand reasons, the good lord, the virgin Mary and, and, and.

Its lucky the driver was such a robust man, because there were some days when a lankier driver wouldve been a lost cause. He had to smuggle the doctors baby past those rosary-slinging rowdies like a stadium security guard who narrowly saves the referee from the lynch mob.

Now, the fathers under a great deal of stress because with contractors theres always stress, and so of course the kids got stress, too. Because today when you have two parents who dont have any time, but who do have three hundred miles of autobahn between them, then as their child, you can never escape the autobahn completely. And so you cant be angry with the child if she appoints her driver as her guardian. Believe it or not, the Kressdorf kids first word-not Mama, not Papa-Driver. But that was at least six months ago because, in the meantime, little Helena has already started chattering so much from her car seat that the driver barely has use for the radio anymore. And above all shes good at understanding. Herr Simons had the feeling that this child understands him better than most adults hes had anything to do with in his life. He can tell Helena the most difficult things, problems, all of it, and that two-year-old girl in the backseat understands. In return, she gives him a full report, every detail down to the hair, when he picks her up from her nanny, and Herr Simon, always the attentive listener. There was simply a kindred connection between them. Like-minded souls: understatement.

Overall, Herr Simon was quite content with his new life, which is a way of saying, he hadnt always been a chauffeur. Hed tried out different professions-more than fifty, in fact-before he found his thing. Whereas others his age were already thinking about retirement and pensions, Herr Simon was only just beginning a regular professional life. First, the five hours from Vienna to Munich, then back five hours from Munich to Vienna, sometimes with the mother in tow, rarely with the father, but always with the amiable kid who understood him so well. Unless you were born to be a chauffeur, you can hardly imagine how much it suited him. And one thing you cant forget: Kressdorf didnt pay badly. Plagued by a guilty conscience over his child, he compensated the chauffeur exceedingly well. Or maybe it wasnt so much a guilty conscience as it was basic concern for the kid. There was never a riotous crowd in front of the abortion clinic, but somehow that silent threat from the church-types was even more menacing, because theres nothing worse than a sighing aggressor. A well-known fact: behind every mass murderer theres a mass sigher.

The Frau Doctor was thrilled about her dependable driver. That he took his job seriously goes without saying. If there was even the slightest noise somewhere, a squeal from the air-conditioning, or a faint streak left by the windshield wiper, or if a floor mat wasnt placed just so-it would have been unthinkable for him to subject the child to such a thing. Sure, he couldve just said, Helena cant see the floor mat from her car seat anyway, but no, as a matter of principle, everything was always picobello, meticulous.

So, the chauffeur gets annoyed at himself for having forgotten to gas up yesterday just because its never happened to him before. Five minutes into the drive out of Vienna, he glances at the gas gauge, and believe it or not, he didnt gas up last night, i.e., nothing but vapors to coast on for 190 kilometers!

Then again, maybe this was on account of the pills. Because not all the effects were positive. A certain absentmindedness. Its possible the pills caused this, the chauffeur thought, while keeping an eye out for the next gas station. He actually gave a great deal of thought to the effects of the pills. On the one hand, he wasnt sleeping so well anymore, but on the other, he was doing better since theyd been prescribed to him-where you find yourself saying, the sun is shining a little brighter for me today. You should know, there wasnt much wrong with him before, especially since hed left his last girlfriend. Although in the womans defense I should add-and, frankly, I think she left him-that shed been at her wits end with him. And it was his girlfriend whod managed to get him to even go to the doctor, because all his life Herr Simon had been a crank about doctors.

But then he didnt take the pills, naysaying not only doctors but drugs, too. And just when his girlfriend had left for good, and one day the refrigerator was completely empty, the kitchen cabinets bare, canned goods and so on, pasta, rice, every last bit, so only the pills were left-only then did he take the pills. And since then-like a new man! More positive! You might have noticed it earlier today, for example, when once again the pro-life soldiers of prayer had formed a standing guard in front of the clinic. And hed barely been able to get past them with little Helena because they were pushing from the right and the left, rosaries and embryo photos shoved right under his nose like in holy Sicily. Now, before, this wouldve guaranteed his hand flying out, and those plastic embryos and rosary beads wouldve gone scattering. But because of the pills, much calmer. And with composure you get a lot farther.