Jeff Lazarus - Dogtology: Live. Bark. Believe.

Published by Greenleaf Book Group Press
Austin, Texas
www.gbgpress.com

Copyright 2015 Jeff Lazarus

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the copyright holder.

Distributed by Greenleaf Book Group

For ordering information or special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Greenleaf Book Group at PO Box 91869, Austin, TX 78709, 512.891.6100.

Design and composition by Greenleaf Book Group
Cover design by Greenleaf Book Group
Illustrations Steve Feldman 2015
Cover photos iStockphoto/igorr1 & iStockphoto/jonhortondesign

Cataloging-in-Publication data is available.

eBook ISBN: 978-1-62634-139-5

eBook Edition

Other Edition(s)
Print ISBN: 978-1-62634-138-8

Dog tol o gy

noun

1 The belief in Dog.

2 The system of rituals, practices, and behaviors engaged in by Dogtologists.

This book is for practicing Dogtologists the world over. Are you among the faithful?

When watching a movie, you are more concerned about a dog being harmed than an entire city of humans being wiped off the map.

Youve bailed on a date because you didnt want Twinkles to be home all alone.

Your dog owns a more festive holiday wardrobe than you do.

Your smartphone contains more pictures of dogs wearing sunglasses than of your human family.

Your pup dines on free-range bisonburger; youre living off Top Ramen.

Welcome to the fold!

God created the heavens and the earth.

And God said, Let there be light.

And light there was.

God saw that the light was good, and He said, Let the land produce vegetation and let the water teem with life and let birds fly above the earth and

Wait! (Sound of needle screeching across the record.) Sorry, wrong book.

Jumping ahead a creational week or two

God did not necessarily plan for creation to be completed in one fell swoop. After all, if Earth wasnt going to produce any new surprises along the way, then what was the point of creating it in the first place? Might as well have just written a memo. Instead, God created a process for the world and its inhabitants to evolve and reveal their surprises over time, which allowed Him to continually wheel out exciting new creative ideas and tweak them on the fly.

For example, God particularly enjoyed messing with the four-legged beings. Hed already tried and retired many early models like the Suchomimus, for instancewhich looked like a pair of vise grips stuck in an alligators ass. But God had yet to start churning out the truly bizarre things like the duck-billed platypus, the naked mole rat, or the blob fish (look it up). God was, you might say, at the height of His creative powers.

One partly cloudy Wednesday afternoon, while tinkering in His Earth Species Progression and Advancement Lab (ESPAL), God brought into existence a creature that pleased Him as no creature ever before. This four-legged being was playful, intelligent, sweet, and oh so damn cute. One look in its eyes and you could see to the depths of its soul; look again and you would feel as if it could see into yours. The little creature had a nose that could smell a mouse burrowed in a hole a mile away, ears so sharp they could hear grass photosynthesizing, and a sense of empathy so keen it could detect if a tree was depressed. It could run like the wind, jump like a jackrabbit that accidentally sat on a cactus, and pivot like a deer U-turning from a charging grizzly.

It lived fully in the moment and romped happily in heavens green gardens, chasing squirrels and staring out in wonder at the verdant vistas God had created. This bundle of fur had a caring, noble nature and was loyal to the core. It was humble, unselfish, encouraging, infinitely loving, and one of the best silent conversationalists God had ever created.

And so God said, At last, I have created a being that reflects all that is good in me. Thus, I shall give it a name that is the mirror image of my own.

And so God named this new creature Dog.

Dog liked his name and licked the face of God in gratitude.

I will loose you on the earth, said God to Dog, and you shall be my avatar. Dog cocked his head in adorable confusion. You know, my representative. Youre me when Im not there. Then God winked and added, You and I are going to have some great fun, Dog.

Dog wagged his tail excitedly, because Dog was seriously down with the idea of having fun.

Dog was eager to explore his earthly existence. But there was one thing missing: Dog was a highly sociable critter and did not wish to romp the earth alone. Although he knew how busy God was tweaking and adjusting His ongoing creations, Dog longed for a companion to play with, to hang out with, and to edge off the sofa. Dog desired to be petted and cuddled and to spread joy and occasional mayhem when needed. Dog whimpered about this conundrum and pawed at the legs of God. God, however, was busy figuring out whether humans should have two arms or four and became so distracted by Dogs whimpering, he accidentally put nipples on the male version. Dog resorted to his ultimate weapon: He put on the sad face.

And it worked!

God said to Dog, I know what you need, young Doggie. A companion to play with and to scratch you in that particular place on your belly in a way that makes you look like youre trying to start a motorcycle.

Dog jumped up and down excitedly. Now youre talking!

God added, I have given this a great deal of thought. Earth is a garden of paradise. But, lets face it, its also a bit of a gore fest, what with creatures gnawing on one another and fighting tooth and nail to control their own patch of real estate. Take your cousin, Wolf, for example. Wolfie has many of the same fine qualities you do, but he spends all of his time hunting and protecting his young. So, Wolfies talents, such as howling at the moon at night (because he thinks his breath keeps it floating in the sky), have never had a chance to evolve like yours have. Hes just too busy surviving. You, on the other hand, Doggie, are too special for such an existence. Therefore, the companion I will give to you will be as perfectly suited to you as you will be to him.

Bring it on! thought Dog. So, what are we gonna call this creation?

Im going to call him Man, God said.

Man? Great name! Short and to the point. Youre brilliant! I love it, love it, love it!