Lazarus - Dogtology: Live. Bark. Believe.: a humorous exploration of mans fur-ocious devotion to dog

Copyright 2017 by Jeff Lazarus

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Peter Green Design and Jeff Lazarus

Cover photo credit: Adobe Stock

Interior images: iStockphoto.com

Print ISBN: 978-1-5107-2644-4

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-2646-8

Printed in China

Let us begin with a prayer...

We, the Dedicated (i.e., rabid) Dog People , do hereby promise to make Thee, Dog, the object of our fanatical devotion and to praise you 24/7 with unreasonably high-pitched voices.

We vow to regale our family members, friends, and coworkers with tales of Thy cuteness, even when they feign disinterest.

We agree to surrender two-thirds of the bed to you each night so that you will be well rested for your day of napping.

We pledge to stand in the rain and faithfully wait until you complete your Morning Constitutional so that we may have the honor of picking it up and ensuring it is properly disposed of.

We promise to wear out our phone batteries taking photos of you in festive human garb and grafting them onto greeting cards with messages such as Silent Bite, Howly Bite.

And most of all, we vow to recognize you as CEO (Canine Executive Officer) of our lives and true head of our households.

May Dog be praised, for Thou hast rescued us from our lower nature.

DOGTOLOGY

Dog tol o gy

noun

1. The belief in Dog.
2. The system of rituals, practices, and behaviors engaged in by Dogtologists.

LIVE. BARK. BELIEVE.

This book is for practicing Dogtologists the world over. Are you among the faithful?

When watching a movie, are you more concerned about a dog being harmed than an entire city of humans being wiped off the map?

Have you bailed on a date because you didnt want Twinkles to be home all alone?

Does your dog own a more festive holiday wardrobe than you do?

Does your smartphone contain more pictures of dogs wearing sunglasses than of your human family?

Does your pup dine on free-range bison burger while you live off Top Ramen?

If you answered yes to one or more of the above, welcome to the fold!

TABLE OF CONTENTS

THE BOOK OF BONES

The bones of Dogtology: Its definition, its roots,
andOK, Ill just say itits dog-ma

I. The Belief in Dog

Every human believes in something . Some believe in a supreme being. Others believe in the supremacy of science. Some believe in creationism, others in evolution. Still others believe in nothing whatsoever. (These tend to be the most ardent believers of all.)

Many of humankinds deepest beliefs have evolved into systems of thought and national institutions. For example, hockey is the unofficial religion of Canada. Some beliefs are held only temporarily, such as belief in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny or jobs with pension plans. Other beliefs can last a lifetime, such as the belief that bacteria observe a five-second grace period before jumping onto a nacho chip dropped on the floor. Some belief systemsbe they political, social, or spiritualhave popular names and are openly embraced by billions of human beings around the world.

Then there are beliefs that are practiced with unwavering devotion, even though their followers may be completely unaware they are practicing an official faith. Dogtology is one such faith. In fact, its one of the most practiced beliefs on the planet and has been gathering momentum ever since the first canines came sniffing around the first human caves looking for fresh scraps and bones.

And now, at last, Mans longstanding, fanatical devotion to Dog has an official name: Dogtology.

So what, exactly, is Dogtology?

Although a love of dogs is a base requirement of all card-carrying Dogtologists, the system of belief is more than just that. Dogtology is a belief that recognizes Dog as a genuinely elevated being. Dogtologists arent just fond of dogs, they exalt them (worship is too strong a word... but not by much!).

If you are a Dogtologist, here are just a few symptoms of your belief system:

You relentlessly email dog photos, dog-toons, dog videos, and dog PowerPoint slideshows to everyone on your contacts list, regardless of the thundering silence you receive in response.