Lazarus - Catakism: bow to the meow: a humorous purr-spective on humankinds obsession with cats

Copyright 2017 by Jeff Lazarus

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Peter Green Design and Jeff Lazarus

Cover images: Adobe Stock

Interior images: iStockphoto.com

Print ISBN: 978-1-5107-2645-1

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-2647-5

Printed in China

Let us begin with a prayer

We, the Crazy Cat People, do solemnly vow to praise and pamper all purring beings.

We pledge to hold Thee, Cat, in higher regard than jobs, property, and sanity.

We promise never to refer to You as that foot-high demon that lacerates my flesh and turns my flowerpot into a litter box, but only as my fur angel.

We vow to shower You with toys, gadgets, gourmet treats, and luxury furnitureand we pray that You accept our gifts and do not pee on them.

We beg to be worthy of Your good graces and to never earn the Glare of Damnation.

And should we ever commit the sin of laughing at you for getting your head stuck in the tuna can, we will humbly ask for forgiveness.

We are, after all, lowly humans, and Thou art the Divine Feline.

Amen.

Catakism

noun

1. The deep and reverent belief in Cat as master, guru, mentor, sage, and ridiculous ball of cuteness.

2. The devotional beliefs and rituals practiced by Catakists.

Bow to the Meow

This doctrine is for practicing Catakists the world over. Are you among the faithful?

Do you refer to your cats birthday as its Incarnation Anniversary?

Have you given serious thought to changing your Last Will and Testament to make Bootsy your prime beneficiary?

When your cat repeatedly perforates your thighs with its needle-sharp claws as part of its nightly lap dance, do you refer to this as giving me a blessing, rather than giving me a Guantanamo?

If you answered yes to one or more of the above, welcome to the litter.

These pages are dedicated to a simple premise: that humankinds obsession with kitties rises to the level of near worship and meets the criteria of a formal belief system. Catakism may not qualify for a tax exemption (yet), but its believers fanatically devote 78 percent (92 percent on the weekends) of their waking hours to praising their cats, shopping for their cats, stroking their cats, and conversing with their cats in high-pitched voices.

Name another belief system that inspires such dedicated and tireless purr-suit. Behold, the Nine Books of Catakism

TABLE OF CONTENTS

THE BOOK OF WHISKERS

As whiskers are a cats guide in life, the Book of Whiskers is the guide to the belief system known as Catakism.

I. The Belief in Cat

Human beings have a powerful need to believe , to throw themselves at the feet of something greater than they are. To worship. To adore. To make offerings and sacrifices to. To blame for not being happier, prettier, or more successful.

Throughout history, that something greater than they are has taken the form of volcanoes, trees, cows, stars, planets, elephants with eight arms, pharaohs, kings, totem poles, airplanes, giant phalluses, sci-fi novelists named Ron, money, and pretty much anything else not found stuck to the bottom of a shoe. Lets just say theres been a lot of trial and error on humanitys part.

But, over time, mans need to express devotion has crystallized into some deep and lasting belief systems. These belief systems have become the great isms and ologies of the world: Buddhism, Catholicism, Judaism, Hinduism; Astrology, Numerology, Dogtology, Scientology, mixology. Okay, the term great might not apply equally across the board here, but you get the point. There are well-known and named belief systems that are practiced by millions, even billions, of humans across the globe.

There are also unofficial beliefs that are practiced with uniform dedication by all of humankind, but they do not rise to the level of a formal religion. These include: If You Yell at Inanimate Objects Loudly Enough They Will Hear You and Obey; When You Check Your Teeth for Spinach in a Window Reflection, the Person on the Other Side of the Glass Cant See You; and Googling Yourself on a Daily Basis Is the Secret to Eternal Happiness.

Finally, there are deep belief systems that are practiced worldwide with the rabid devotion of a true religion, but they have not yet received an official name until now. Catakism is the greatest of such belief systems.