Tyler Stanton - Stuff You Should Know About Stuff: How to Properly Behave in Certain Situations

Probably one of the top ten books ever written. I cant wait to read it.

JEFF FOXWORTHY

These guys are better than Steinbeck. This book should be canonized. Its better than most of the New Testament.

DON MILLER, NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF BLUE LIKE JAZZ

Tripp and Tyler are two of the funniest people Ive ever met in my life. (I havent met Jim Gaffigan yet, but if I do, they told me I can change this endorsement.) This book is hilarious and will have you looking at situations in life completely differently. Most notably, why the people enhancing their already complicated coffee at Starbucks insist on blocking the only trash can in the entire establishment.

JON ACUFF, NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF START

Stuff

You Should

Know About

Stuff

Stuff

You Should

Know About

Stuff

How to Properly Behave in Certain Situations

Tripp & Tyler

BenBella Books, Inc. Dallas, TX

Copyright 2014 by Tripp Crosby and Tyler Stanton

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

BenBella Books, Inc.

10300 N. Central Expressway

Suite #530

Dallas, TX 75231

www.benbellabooks.com

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First e-book edition: November 2014

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available for this title.

EISBN 978-1-939529-69-5

Editing by Glenn Yeffeth and Katie Kennedy

Copyediting by Eric Wechter

Proofreading by Michael Fedison and Cape Cod Compositors, Inc.

Illustrations by Kevin J. Keigley

Cover art and design by Josh LaFayette

Text design and composition by Ralph Fowler

Printed by Lake Book Manufacturing

Distributed by Perseus Distribution

www.perseusdistribution.com

To place orders through Perseus Distribution:

Tel: (800) 343-4499

Fax: (800) 351-5073

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There are a lot of unwritten rules in the world today.

This is our attempt to write them down, and in doing so, make the world a more tolerable place.

Contents

In the event that you hate this book, here are a few tips to help you feel better about the purchase that you now regret:

Did you know that shaving razors will last for months if you just dry them off after using them? Seriously, theyre not getting dulltheyre just rusting.

To quickly convert Celsius to Fahrenheit, just multiply by two and add thirty.

If youve accidentally written on a dry-erase board with permanent marker, just take a dry-erase marker and draw over the permanent markings. Then take a dry cloth and wipe away. Good as new.

To make a room-temperature can of sodaor adult beverageice-cold in minutes, just put it in a pot and cover with ice. Then add two cups of salt and fill pot with water. Wait three minutes and your beverage will be ice cold.

Get rid of a brain freeze by pressing your tongue against the roof of your mouth. Same goes for preventing a sneeze. And I bet the same goes for another thing.

Rules for My Waiter

We dont need a buddy

No offense, but I need you to be my waiter, not my pal. I dont need you to squat down to get on my level. My neck can handle looking up for a half-minute. And dont you dare slide in the booth with me.

Hungry? Theres an app for that. I kid!

Youre not better than me

Hey, Xander (thats always his name), dont scoff at me for not knowing what vegetable escabeche is. Its your job to know, not mine. Oh, and you should know that Im basing your tip on a complex algorithm I designed that factors in how quickly you can explain it to me, whether or not a seven-year-old can understand it, your height, and your facial expression when I ask for the silverware you didnt give me. It usually comes out to be around 20 percent.

Sing

When its my birthday, sing the song like you mean it or dont sing it at all. Its hard enough to follow along with your restaurants custom rendition, but your apathy is making me depressed.

Youre not being timed

Spouting off todays specials like the Micro Machine guy isnt helping anyone.

The Early Bus

Ive never been a waiter, so theres a good chance Ill get reamed for this. But Id like to propose a cute little rhyme that every waiter everywhere must learn. It goes like this:

If theyve already paid,

bus away.

But if theyre still sitting down,

dont you dare start bussing the freaking table as though theyre an inconvenience to you,

you selfish bastard.

Im still tinkering with the rhyme scheme but I think the point remains.

Wring out your washcloth

As much as I typically love resting my elbows on a damp table, I think Ill pass tonight.

Two-second rule

When you bring me my check, wait at least two seconds to see if Im pulling out a card. I shouldnt have to wait for you to come back.

Go ahead and fill my water

No need to ask. Theres never a situation where Id prefer a half-full glass over a full one.

Open Letter to Starbucks Patrons

Dear Starbucks patrons,

Please have a game plan before you even enter the store. Your time at the counter should closely resemble Seinfelds encounter with the Soup Nazi. This is not the time to ask how fresh the bagels are or whether or not their beans are of the shade-grown, fair-trade variety. Simply state your order, hand them your money, and shimmy to the left without making eye contact.

No one is impressed with your complicated drink order. People with complicated drink orders always do two things: 1) They say their order really fast in order to mystify the barista with its one-of-a-kindness, and 2) They give a little half-smile/side-glance at the other people in line to make sure they know who the boss is around here. I got news for you, guythe rest of us caffeine-deprived people in line are hoping you accidentally spill your venti triple-shot no-foam skinny mocha chip latte with peppermint drizzle on the inseam of your pleated khakis.