McCarthy - Love, lust & faking it : the naked truth about sex, lies, and true romance

LOVE, LUST
&
FAKING IT

The Naked Truth About Sex,
Lies, and True Romance

Jenny McCarthy

Thank you for trusting the key.

Its okay to open the door.

The dream is real.

M y parents were married for thirty years. And I thought for sure they would never get divorced. Not because they publicly adored each other or looked at each other with meaningful looks-quite the contrary. I thought they would stay together forever because divorce happened to other people, not my family. But it did happen, and they divorced when I was twenty-one. I knew it was better off that way, but I still crawled into bed and gave it a good old cry.

I couldnt possibly imagine my parents with new boy-friends or girlfriends. Gross! It made me sick to my stomach to even think of them getting naughty with someone else. But after a year or so of my parents being on the market, my mom called with an amazing story from her past. There was this boy named Tom who she dated from the time she was fifteen to age twenty. Tom was her high school sweetheart. They went to each others proms and have pictures to prove their growth through puberty together. They were madly in love with one another, until one horrific day

My mom found a picture of another girl in Toms wallet, not even a naked one, and she freaked the hell out. Tom swore to my mom it was only in there because the girl gave it to him, and that was it. Mom didnt believe him, of course, and threw him out. She was devastated and avoided Tom at every cost. Tom didnt give up, though. He knocked on doors, showed up at her work, and tried everything aside from handing her a gift box with his balls in it to get Mom back. Mom then quickly started dating this guy named Dan, who happens to be my dad. He had just returned from serving in Vietnam, and was after my mom like she was a hot little cupcake. As my mom put it, they were waiting to have sex until they were married, so they decided to tie the knot in a matter of months. The wedding was set and was a week away. But she felt sad; it just didnt feel right. Tom showed up that night and said, Please dont do this. I love you, Linda, youre my life, dont marry that guy. Mom started bawling her eyes out and said, Im sorry, but my mom already paid for the wedding.

They both cried, and then she did what she had to do: she threw him out of the house as fast as she could. She knew he was the love of her life, but there was nothing she could do about it. They never saw each other again. Ugh! That killed me. I couldnt believe that for thirty years my moms heart had been in another place!

As soon as she finished telling me this story, I started freaking out. How romantic! I mean, the part about not really wanting to marry my dad was a little upsetting, but this sounded like the love of her life. I told her that we should try to find himmaybe he was divorced, too. Pretty much all the baby boomers were divorced, so I thought her odds were pretty great.

She replied, I did find him.

To give you a little backstory, my mom worked as a janitor in a courthouse. Yes, a janitor. She cleaned up jail cells and bathrooms and actually enjoyed her job. Thats just how living saints roll, I guess. Apparently shed been cleaning a courtroom the day before, and a lawyer came back because he forgot his briefcase. She looked up, and it was Tom. They both stared at each other in silence for a second. My mom uttered, Tom? It was like the Luke and Laura reunion on General Hospital, but without the male perm. They slowly approached each other in shock. She said he looked exactly the same, except he was bald. She said they talked about how long it had been and compared notes on their families. Then my mom dropped the Im divorced card, just to see what he would say. Tom replied, Im separated from my wife. DING DING DING!

I said, Mom, its meant to be. This is the love of your life! I cant believe you guys found each other like this. But being more Catholic than the pope, my mom replied, Well, I cant pursue anything until hes completely divorced.

I begged her to at least go to dinner. She already believed she was going to burn in hell anyway for getting a divorce from my dad, so I said, Why not just be naughty, since youre already going to hell? She laughed, and I was able to hear in her voice an excitement I hadnt heard in years.

Mom and Tom were married in April 2000 and are still going strong. They talk about doing it, and it completely grosses me out. But Im happy shes happy. As for my dad, hes still single. Please write to me if your mom is looking for a guy who can dance like a spider monkey with a little too much whisky in him.

In the meantime, Facebook your first love. Hopefully he doesnt look like Don Rickles!

A fter sharing my moms story, I couldnt help but tell you about my first love. As I close my eyes, I bring up a memory that I can share from my heart. This one comes immediately to mind.

No! Please dont leave me! I shouted, as I clung to Tony LoBiancos sixteen-year-old leg. Tony had caught me talking to one of his football teammates, Bob Caponigro, and wanted to break up with me because of it. Tony was my everything: my life, my breath, my smile, and my reason for wearing cherry lip gloss after school. He didnt wind up breaking up with me at this particular moment, but his urge to start checking out more meat at the deli was about to rear its ugly head.

I think we should break up for a month, said Tony. I want to go on spring break, and need to feel free. At this point we had been dating for four years (which is twenty-eight years in teenager years), and the love of my life had just asked to break up with me for a month so he could be free on spring break. Could there be a worse thing to say to a sixteen-year-old girl who just had her cherry popped by him the year before? I mean, what the hell? I immediately fell to the ground in hysterics.

No, please dont do this! Ill die. I tried grabbing his leg once again, but he was able to break free. I watched Tony walk out the door with a spring in his step, excited to meet some spring break canooters!

I lay in my bed for the next four weeks, unable to go to school, to eat, or to speak. My parents thought I had had a psychotic break. I kept dreaming about how things used to be between us. Watching Tony pretend to be my dad on the phone to call in sick to school for me, so we could hump all over his house. Picking a song as our song that we thought would be played on the radio for a century. (We decided on Endless Love by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie. We thought that one would play in grocery stores for the rest of our livesand we were right.) We talked about the children we would have together, and what we would name them: Lionel, Diana, and Brooke. We were one of those couples that everyone in school talked about: Jenny and Tony are going to be in love forever.

Nothing will ever come close to matching the voltage of your first love in terms of intensity. Kind of like with sex. Nothing later will ever be able to top the first time a guy has sexthat HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?! Well, thats what first true love feels like to a girl. Tony was my first everything. My first make-out session, my first dry hump, my first finger, my first boob squeeze, my first hickey, my first BJ you get the idea. Tony was it for me. If he hadnt walked out on me to go on spring break, I would have been the most faithful, wonderful, childbearing, respectful wife to him for the rest of my life.

But looking back now, I couldnt be more grateful that Tony wanted a spring break hookup. During those four weeks of crying in bed in a catatonic state, something shifted inside me. The perfect Catholic, obedient sweet girl named Jenny grew the beginning part of a backbone while dying in that bed. I dont know how, but the shift had slowly begun.