Bradford - Is Shane MacGowan still alive?

Gone are the days when being English opened doors for people around the world. Now Irish is where its at culturally, economically, sexually and politically. The Brits have been jealous of the Irish for centuries because of their ability to drink, their nice singing voices, their straight-armed dancing style (which is so much sexier than Morris dancing) and their ginger hair.

You can be Irish. You can leave behind the English world of semi-detached houses, garden gnomes and Freemasonry. Its simple. Just repeat one or more of these simple phrases every day after getting home from the pub and in no time at all youll find yourself on the fringes of the Irish football squad for the next World Cup.

Every day, in every way

Im becoming Irishyer and Irishyer

Feck me

I am Irish

England 0Ireland 1, Euro 88

The way to a mans nationality is through his stomach. The Englishman needs two vital foodstuffs to keep him going roast beef and baked beans while the Irishman can survive on just one, the simple potato. It is the most versatile form of nourishment on the planet and only Guinness has more vitamins and minerals and less calories.

Football and darts are the national sports in England, and everyone in the country knocks a ball around in the road after work then goes down the pub, sinks fifteen pints of lager and throws little arrows at a board. Its fun, but this regime is not great for total all-round fitness. However, there are many traditional Irish pastimes which increase strength and cardiovascular fitness, such as pub brawling, hurling, throwing the potato and that dancing where you keep your arms straight and move your feet really fast.

Irish people and English people are very similar except for slight variations in social etiquette. Without generalising too much, whereas the English are repressed, tightarsed cold fish with people they dont know (such as their parents) Irish people will slap a stranger on the back, shout How are ye? at the top of their voices, buy them a drink then take them home and give them a damn good seeing to.

Sex sells. Everyone knows this. Thats why Ive included it in this book. The publisher will probably make sure that sex is written on the cover somewhere in an eye-catching font, and then copies of the book will be put in the sex manuals section of the big shops. And those sections are always full of eager people with bulging wallets.

Sex with English people is all messy and complicated what with condoms, Femidoms, spermicidal gel, multiple orgasms (for both partners), prenuptial agreements, and the dreaded threat of kiss n tell tabloid revelations. In Ireland all these things (including multiple orgasms) are rationed by their owners, Catholic Church International Holdings plc, so people have to make their own fun.

English people have an inner child that has temper tantrums, plays video games and downloads pictures of famous actresses in swimwear from the internet. Irish people, in contrast, have an inner leprechaun that has a great laugh and lives in those clear plastic domes that you have to shake to make the snow fall.