Bear Michael - Expat Etiquette: How To Look Good In Bad Places

2321 E. 4th St., C-219
Santa Ana, CA 92705
USA

Copyright 2016 by Michael Bear and Liz Good

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Expat Etiquette: How To Look Good in Bad Places.

ISBN: 978-1-940503-10-3
Library of Congress Control Number: 2015941752

Michael Bear:
To Lizzy Bear, who brings me home

Liz Good:
To all the many people who have helped me make homes away from home

Not to share in the activity and passion of your time is to count as not having lived. I dont claim virtue. I claim a low level of boredom.

William Sloan Coffin

As a student of disaster, I note that we react alike to our tribulations: frayed and bitter at the time, proud afterwards. Nothing is better for self-esteem than survival.

Martha Gellhorn

G oing overseas is hard. Leaving friends and family behind. Traveling to a country where you probably dont speak the language, and definitely dont understand the culture. Foreign foods, foreign diseases. Loneliness.

Of course, it does have its compensations. Smoking. Casual sex. Functional alcoholism. Add a little danger and excitement, and its a difficult offer to refuse.

The physical act of going overseas is simple enough. Have ticket, will travel. Yet arrival alone doesnt confer any knowledge, let alone status. This book is a humble guide to all of those who not only want to travel to far away and sometimes dangerous landsfor the best or worst of reasonsbut also want to do so with a modicum of style. Style defined as, appearing to know what youre doing, even when you have no idea whats happening around you.

Because its true, we all do look and act alike. The American, European, and antipodean travelers and expats. From Afghanistan to Zimbabwe, theres a distinct expatriate culture, a distinct lingo, a distinct way of dressing. Its about broadcasting your experience without resorting to native dress. Its about talking in place-names and acronyms.

Its about learning to use a squat toilet. And yes, you will use a squat toilet.

Having picked up a few tricks of the trade, we thought wed put together a collection of best practices and lessons learned. Standard operating procedures, if you will, for navigating through some of the best and the worst places in the world.

Thus, we offer this sometimes-serious, sometimes-tongue-in-cheek handbook on expat etiquette. Enjoy.

Cheers,
Michael and Liz

A Note on Semantics: Who Is an Expat, Anyway?

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines an expatriate as, a person who lives in a foreign country. Technically, a semester in Barcelona or a second home in Costa Rica might qualify. We take a somewhat more narrow view. This book is not, alas, written with the summer student or the sunshine tourist in mind. Instead, our travelers and expatriates are those brave and foolhardy souls who go overseas to places that dont tend to feature as tourist destinations. Places where the local color is a wee bit too colorful.

Theres no set residency requirement, none of that posturing about the need to spend at least six months or a year or a decade in a country before you finally begin to understand. Well never truly understand. Thats not so much an affirmation of ignorance as it is recognition of our limitations. Our tribe is, by definition, a nomadic one. Six months there, a year here, another two years there. Its about movement, a certain style and a certain state of mind.

T he most important rule of thumb is that maps lie. They give the impression that a mile in the eastern Congo is the equivalent of a mile in the United States or in Europe. Yet distance is not just a function of space, or how far apart two places might be.

Instead, the only distance that really matters is that determined by a function of time, or how long it takes to get from one point to another.

You can get from New York to San Francisco in about six hours. In eastern Congo or South Sudan it might take that long to go forty miles. If youre lucky.

Nonexistent roads, washed out bridges, planes flown by drunken Russians. In reality, the Congo is almost infinitely large, while the US or Europe are relatively small.

What to Pack

There are certain travelers whove reached a stage of packing nirvana, where theyre able to fit everything they could ever need into a small carry-on bag. Envy and fear those people.

For the rest of us, we know we should pack as little as possible, but often as little as possible always seems to (a) be too much, and (b) leave out certain essentials.

To that end, the absolutely essential packing list should include:

1. Electrical outlet adapters. Extra points if youre ever in a country that uses the diagonal pronged adaptors.
2. Gatorade packets, energy bars, and immodium, for the inevitable bout of dysentery.
3. Cheap sunglasses.
4. Contact lens solution. Unless, that is, youre happy navigating the world nearly blind. A backup pair of glasses is also useful.
5. Sunscreen.
6. Tampons, tampons, tampons. You really dont want to be left without should the need arise.
7. Condoms.
8. A portable French pressthat is, if you like coffee and you plan to stay in your new destination a while.
9. A flashlight or a headtorch. Because the only thing worse than a latrine at night is a dark latrine at night.

Things You Think Youll Need But Wont Ever Use

1. Heavy-duty super-fancy rain gear. If youre out and about during the rainy season, youll almost always be in a building or a car. If you get caught in a monsoon; youre going to get wet no matter what.
2. Clothing that seems appropriate to the context, but that youd never wear in the West. If you dont like that wrinkly linen shirt in Oslo, chances are you still wont like it when you get to South Sudan.
3. Anything that could be described as native dress. Because, no matter what you wear, you wont blend in, though you will look ridiculous trying to do so.
4. A fancy dress and high-heeled shoes. If the need does materialize, you can get em there. A suit is also usually unnecessary, unless you plan to spend a lot of time hobnobbing with government ministers.

Other Words of Semi-Wisdom

Check your visa before you travel. Ditto with yellow fever card. Seriously. Its shocking how often these details get overlooked, and often with expensive repercussions.

Be sure your earplugs and facemask are in your carry-on; theyre the only way you might actually catch some shut-eye on that overnight transcontinental flight. Well, unless you manage to score some prescription meds from your friendly neighborhood doctor. We recommend Ambien, but Xanax works too.

A note on luggageyou want to choose bags that dont in any way advertise your relative wealth, or the value of the various clothing and electronic goods inside. So, best to leave the Louis Vuitton travel bag in the closet. Instead, use old, well-worn, sturdy luggage. The only problem is that many other people have roughly the same idea, meaning it can be hard to distinguish your bag when it comes down the luggage conveyor/gets dumped in a pile outside the plane. Mark your bags to distinguish them from everyone elses standard black luggage. Duct tape around the handle always helps