Walsh - Loved back to life : how I found the courage to live free

2015 by Sheila Walsh

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Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Nelson Books, an imprint of Thomas Nelson. Nelson Books and Thomas Nelson are registered trademarks of HarperCollins Christian Publishing, Inc.

Loved Back to Life is a revision of Honestly, previously published by Zondervan Publishing House (ISBNs: 9780718021870 [book]; 9780718021894 [eBook]).

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ISBN: 978-0-7180-2189-4 (eBook)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014954524

ISBN: 978-0-7180-2187-0

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This book is dedicated in memory of my darling friend, Cindy Wilt Colville. You spent your life championing others and are now in the presence of our great Champion, Jesus Christ. All who knew you well miss you deeply but all who love Christ can say with confidence, we will see you soon!

Contents

T wenty years is a long time, and yet as I think back to the night when I was admitted to the locked ward of a psychiatric hospital, its as vivid to me now as if it were yesterday.

In the weeks and months that followed, I kept a journal. Some pages detailed my drowning days, others when there seemed to be a glimmer of daylight on the horizon. I never intended to share that scribbled journey, as it was deeply personal. I believed, too, that I was the only passenger. I didnt know of any other Christian leader who battled dark, abysmal days weighted down by severe clinical depression. But a wonderful counselor, Dr. Frank Gripka, continued to tell me I was not the only one. He said someone had to stand up and tell the truth out loud, so I thought, Why not me? I had nothing left to lose.

Many of those whom I thought were friends had walked away. Mental illness had the curb appeal of the AIDS epidemic in the days before we understood that you couldnt catch it just by hugging someone who was infected. For a Christian who wrestled a disease of the mind, it was assumed that something in your behavior or a pervasive lack of faith had brought it on. We tend to walk away from what we dont understand.

So I wrote the book Honestly, praying that it would help even one other person who felt terminally hopeless. In 1997, I tentatively began to speak about this taboo subject from the stage, and every time I spoke the truth out loud, I would find my tribe hiding in the crowd, longing to tell their stories to one other person who understood. A lot of things have changed in the years that followed. There have been many others who have begun to speak out and demystify this illness, but the stigma remains, especially in the church. I still receive letters and texts from those who have made Honestly a textbook of hope, but there are always questions.

Do you still take medication?

How does this affect your family?

Are you healed now?

So, here we are, continuing on the journey of how God took me from a place of wanting to die to the way He continues day by day to love me back to life.

I found it hard rereading the original book. It sent me into a bit of a tailspin to remember the worst days. It made me angry, too, meeting the me in those pages. I was angry because I apologized for being sick. I was angry because I believed some of the garbage I was told about those who struggle with mental illness. But as I sat down to write this book, an update and continuation of my journey, the anger faded. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I did the best I could in the darkest days of my life; that was true for many of those around me as well.

Let me take you back to where the descent began. It was dark and it was deep, but the truth that I thought would kill me actually saved my life. Thats my prayer for you.

On the edge of a volcano

I have lived for many years.

Now it seems the distant rumbles

getting louder in my ears.

I have tried to walk away

from broken pieces of the past,

but their edges tear my feet

like broken glass.

I have tried to push disturbing thoughts

beyond the reach of man.

I have tried to burn my bridges

but Ive only burned my hand,

pushing things under the carpet

hoping that theyll go away,

but I know Ill

lose my balance

any day.

The weight of this sad time we must obey. Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, KING LEAR

I t was a glorious summer morning in 1992. The sun was rising over the water, and the bees were beginning to hum. I went out into the yard to fill the bird feeder and stood for a moment in the stillness.

I saw my neighbor sail off in his little crabbing boat, and I waved good morning. I wondered about his life. He was always alone, and every day he set out onto the water, the first to ripple the quiet. A solitary life. My little white dog barked at a visiting duck, but the duck seemed unimpressed.

I drank in the sounds of the lapping water as it broke on the boat dock. I imagined for a moment that I was ten years old again, home in Scotland, standing by the ocean, my place of peace.

I turned my back on the water to prepare for the day ahead. I felt heavy inside, as if every bone in my body had turned to lead while I slept. After I showered, I took my coffee outside, and in the morning warmth I prayed a now familiar prayer: God, please help me get through one more day.

It was a lovely drive from my house to the television studios where I worked. I left early enough each morning to avoid the rush of traffic. As I drove through the main gates of the Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN), I thought again how strange it was to find myself in Virginia Beach, as cohost of The 700 Club.

I had moved to Los Angeles from England in 1986. I had been a contemporary Christian artist since my early twenties traveling around the world, but my new record company was based in LA, and most of my current touring was in the United States, so it made sense to make this my home. I had fallen in love with this country instantly. I loved the hope that seemed to be part of the fabric of the people.