2012 by Sheila Walsh
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In memory of Ruth Bell Graham
who taught me to look for the beauty
that God hides in brokenness
C ONTENTS
ONE Im Not Waving; Im Drowning
When Deep Water Meets Even Deeper Love
TWO Bummer Lambs and Black Sheep
A Shepherd Who Pursues Both Victims and Villains
THREE Old Wounds Have Good Memories
Finding a Way Out of the Darkness
FOUR Relentless Questions
His Presence and Peace in Your Darkest Nights and
Longest Battles
FIVE Hiding, Pretending, and Other Failed Escapes
Avoiding an Old Strategy That Never Works
SIX What Can I Know for Sure?
Three Rock-Solid Truths to Keep You Standing,
Whatever Happens
SEVEN A Tale of Two Teresas
Time-Tested Wisdom for Dealing with Persistent Pain
EIGHT Fierce Love and Halloween Grace
Why Gods Ferocious Commitment to You Comes
with Surprises
NINE Nothing to Protect, Nothing to Lose
Three Choices When Suffering Move You from the Balcony
to the Stage
TEN Called to Something Bigger
Allow God to Use Your Pain for Heavens Stunning Purposes
ELEVEN Only the Wounded Can Serve
What If Your Wounds Make You Fit for His Service?
TWELVE The Sacred Ache
How God Transforms Your Hurts into Something Holy
THIRTEEN Christ the Broken
The Savior Who Chose Suffering... for You
I NTRODUCTION
Its Okay Not to Be Okay
I f I could write only one book in my lifetime, I would ask God to make it this one, the very book you now hold in your hands.
IThe message of this book is my lifes passion. I believe with everything in me that God loves broken people, and that when somewhere in the painful process of that breaking and bruising we find a way to welcome Him into the darkness, we come to know His love in a way we have never known before.
And that, my friend, is no small thing.
When the glass house I had lived in for so many years came crashing to the ground, I began a new life outside the safety of those walls. No, it didnt feel good. Not at all. At first, it didnt even feel safe. But it felt true. I saw myself as a broken lamb limping after the Shepherd, not knowing where He was going but knowing that wherever He went, I would go with Him. To this very hour, I remain utterly convinced of one unalterable thing: the Shepherd loves me. The words I sang as a child feel more real to me today than ever: Jesus loves me, this I know.
I have seen this same conviction in the lives of other broken men and women I have met through the years. While they never would have signed up for the breaking (who would?), they would change nothing now. They wouldnt exchange the deeper relationship they have found with God for anything. Its not that God loves the broken among us more than those who perceive themselves as whole; its simply that we know we are loved. We dare to believe it. And we know there is no hope, no life, and no ultimate meaning apart from Him.
I gave my life to Christ at age eleven. I am now fifty-five, and after forty-four years on this journey, I have invested my most strongly held and deeply felt beliefs in these pages.
Thats not to say youll find everything buttoned-down and tidy.
I would like to tell you that while everything used to be bad, now its all good, and that all the scattered pages of my lifes story have been tucked away in their proper pigeonholes.
But I cant tell you that.
Not yet.
Maybe not on this side of heaven.
Yes, I have days when the path ahead looks clear and I feel overwhelmed by the love and mercy of God. But I also have dark days and darker nights....
One recurring dream haunts me. While the circumstances and characters change, the message always remains the same: You are alone! You have always been alone, and you always will be alone.
Most mornings I wake from this nightmare, shake off the worst of it, pour myself a cup of hot coffee, and embrace the new day. But sometimes the dream leaves dark little fingerprints, smudges not so easily brushed away that seem to cling to me for hours.
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