I n December 1995, I got on my knees and humbly asked Debbie to marry me again. After more than five years of separation, she said yes, and for a second time in my life she made me the happiest man on the planet. We plan to be married in the mountains of Wyoming, at Paint Rock Lodge. There we can stand on a rock and look out over a world wed forgotten existed. There we can put aside all the loneliness and empty nights, and live as husband and wife. Ours has been a long and terrible ordeal, and its time to rest and love again.
Debbie and I decided to discuss with the children everything that happened to me. Many of my decisions affected them in ways that they would have to deal with for the rest of their lives. Answering their questions would be the first step in the healing process. Im not ashamed of what happened to me, but I had been out of their lives for over five years and they didnt know me anymore. When they did see me, I was in the hospital or just coming out of the ether. They had grown up without me.
Id spent their childhood years in the pursuit of intangiblesideas, beliefs, and ideals. Id sacrificed being part of their growth so that I could continue in my work as a remote viewer, so that I could bring the gift out of hiding. Ill spend the rest of my life wondering whether I did the right thing. Did I have a choice? Why did I choose the paththat I did, and what were the lessons? And, most important: after the troubled life I gave my children, can they ever forgive me and love me again?
I used to proselytize to my children, trying to convince them that what I was suffering and making them suffer was for the good of humanity. I tried, in the early years, to make them understand that I was engaged in an assault on the bedrock of contemporary thought. While I cannot say that Im sorry for the path I walked, I do regret the petty way in which I held their feelings and emotions at bay. I rationalized that children get over things quickly. But what I found is that children are profoundly affected by their parents actions. My decisions, and the amount of time Debbie has had to spend keeping me together, indelibly marked the personalities of each of my children. I know they will replay these events again and again in their own nightmares.
I wish that as this phase of my life comes to a close I could look back and say that I did what destiny dictated, that I did what the angeland, I think, Godasked of me, that I followed through with a plan that was established long before I came into this world. Despite what I wish, this is what I believe: I have stolen something from my children; I have challenged them in areas no child should have to compete in; I have created scars where wounds should never have been inflicted. When I pass from this life, I will leave my children a complex and troubled legacy. Where and how they deal with those complexities is up to them, but I lament the fact that they will have to make choices about the memory of their father. I will always remember my parents as kind, wise, and loving; but I could only guess how my children would speak of and relive life with me. It was time to talk about everything.
Debbie and I brought the children together late one evening. I could see in their faces that the pain of the past had conditioned them to quickly throw up walls to protect themselves.
Your mother and I wanted you to know that we intendto work very hard at being a family again, and I have asked your mother to marry me again.
You were never divorced! Mariah said flatly. How can you get married again?
Well, we are going to renew our vows, which means there will be a small wedding, where we will commit to one another again in ceremony and in the presence of witnesses. I glanced down, afraid to look into their eyes. I guess what I mean is, I love your mom, I always have, and being apart from her and from you has been very painful for me. I want to be her husband again. I want to be your father again.
Danielles eyes began to water, but she wiped the tears away, refusing to let them fall and be noticed. Mariah swallowed hard; she, too, was fighting back the painful memories. Michael sat bent forward, his elbows on his knees, his fingers interlaced, his gaze fixed on the ground.
We want to be married again, I continued. We want you to be there with us, to see us recommit to each other and to you.
Mom doesnt need to recommit to us! Michael said. Shes always been here for us. A tear dropped from his eye. Youre the only one who left. Youre the one who thought remote viewing and all that other crap was more important than us. Youre the one who tried to leave us forever. What do you want from us now?
His pain and the truth of his words stung. Mariahs body shook with sobs. Danielle ran to her mother and embraced her as if to say, Protect me. Debbie hugged her little daughter, combing her hair with her fingers and whispering comforting words. She rocked her gently to calm her, and wept quietly as I tried to find words to bridge the gap Id made between myself and my family.
I wiped tears from my face and struggled to speak with some degree of composure. I know that Ive caused a great deal of pain in our family. I took a deep breath and tried to focus on my words. I cannot recreate time and relive the decisions of the past. If I had known what damageI would do by making the decisions I did, I would not have made them. But even so, I should have known what I was doing to all of us. I did what I thought I was supposed to be doing. I looked deep inside myself and thought I was doing what God wanted me to do. I have to believe that I was. I brought a very valuable thing out of hiding, and I thought I was the only one paying a price for doing that. I was foolish and selfish to think so. I should have let you all know what was happening. I should have done then what Im doing now, and let you all decide whether to support me or not. As it turned out, I made all the decisions without you. I was wrong.
You were very wrong! Mariah sobbed. When we were little we knew you were a soldier. We understood why you were gone, and we always knew youd come back to us unless you died. We knew you loved us, but we didnt know that when you left us five years ago. Sure you came home once in a while, for a Christmas visit, or you called us now and thenbut you werent our dad anymore, you were somebody else!
You were a stranger in our lives, Michael agreed, still not looking at me. You came and went, you tried to be our friend or you tried to tell us what to do; buthe laughed sarcasticallythe way we looked at it was like, Who the hell is this guy to walk in here for five days a year and try to make a difference? I mean, you were our dad, but you were no different than some guy who lived down the street. I got more out of my coaches than I ever got out of you! He sobbed, looking at me now, his eyes filled with love and pain and sorrow. You abandoned us for something we couldnt even see! If youd left Mom for another woman, we might have been able to cope with that, but what you left us for was invisible. We couldnt see your angel! We didnt know what went on in the nightmares! We didnt share your interest in the ether or whatever you call it. We were hurt! And we had nothing in front of us to be angry at, only a memory of what our dad used to be like. He wiped the tears from his cheeks, shaking his headin disbelief. Do you know what it was like for me to come to Fort Bragg and see you starving yourself? Or how about being told by the doctor that my father tried to kill himself? Did your father ever do that to you? He looked painfully into my eyes. Well, did he?
No, my father never put me through anything like what I put you guys through. My father would have made the right choices. I hope that you wont make the wrong choices with your families because of me.
