Pelzer - A Brothers Journey

Names and identifying characteristics of some individuals in this book have been changed to protect their identities.

Copyright 2005 by Richard Pelzer

All rights reserved.

WARNER BOOKS

Hachette Book Group USA

237 Park Avenue

New York, NY 10017

Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroupUSA.com.

First eBook Edition: January 2005

ISBN: 978-0-7595-1302-0

This work is dedicated to all of us who have been through an experience such as this. We are not survivors nor are we victims. We are the ones that were given a chance to experience life as few people ever will. We are tempered and made stronger in our foundations through the fire we once knew. The embers that often bring back the memories and tears will always burn. They are a reminder of where we once were. As responsible and productive adults, we now have the opportunity to share, understand, and even heal. We must always remember and admit that this happens to children we know and children we dont. This happens every day and often in our own neighborhoods. This work is dedicated to all those that step up and make our homes the loving safe haven they should be. I admire and I am inspired by your dedication.

I would like to thank my wife, Joanne; my agent Jim Schiavone, Ed.D.; my editor John Aherne; Mr. and Mrs. Digby Diehl; Angie Wilks-Grace of America ISP; Mr. and Mrs. Dave Pelzer; the staff at DEsprite; John and Darlene Nichols; Lori Lutz; Judy Hansen; and Paula Boggs.

I tried to hide the secrets of my past from my wife for as long as I could. I revealed my fears and tears only to the pages in my personal journal. I just couldnt bring myself to tell my own wife, face-to-face, about my past and who I was back then. I tried to hide any scars and personal habits that would give away the secrets I lived with.

Early in our marriage, however, I experienced both embarrassment and shame that I thought I would never get over. My wife found what I had tried so desperately to hide.

I was resting in the front room when it happened. Rest is different for me than for other people. Often in our early marriage, whenever I was tired or overly burdened with some concern on my mind, I would rest with a blanket wrapped around my head. The purpose of the blanket was to cover my face and hide the secret from anyone who looked at me.

Some twenty-three years earlier I had perfected the ability to sleep with my eyes open and be aware of any movement within my line of vision. It was an alarm system I used when I slept. Often as a child, I was able to bring myself back into consciousness if I saw Mom cross my line of vision as she walked into my room at night. It was a safety mechanism.

For so long I answered my wifes repeated questions as best I could without giving away the truth. I lied and said that it was insecurity and I would eventually grow out of it.

In one day that all changed. I was caught and couldnt lie my way out of it any longer. I was resting without my blanket around my head.

I saw her as she walked into the front room. I saw her as she approached me resting and looked at me. I was aware that she was there, but I failed to bring myself back into consciousness fast enough when she looked at me. She looked into my eyes as if I was wide awake. I lay there motionless, in between asleep and waking. Somewhere in the middle is where I find my rest.

Her reaction was what I had always feared. She assumed I was dead.

Within a moment I was awake and responding to her reaction. I immediately sat up and looked at her. I was at a loss for words and said nothing at first.

Its difficult to find the words to explain what I felt at that moment. I was ashamed. I was stuttering some meaningless statement when I realized that it was futile. She had seen my eyes as I slept, and nothing I could say at that moment would ever change the image now burned in her memory. We both simply waited for the other to respond. The silence only added to the tension and confusion.

All I wanted was to comfort my wife. All I wanted was a moment to try to explain.

After a few moments I answered as many questions as I could. I knew that she wouldnt understand without knowing far more about my background than I had ever told her. Now I had the chance to pay my penance and repair the damage my silence had caused. She reacted with compassion and understanding. On the surface I was relieved to share something so personal with the one I loved. Inside I was confused and found the same emotion I hid as a little boyshame. For a moment I was that little boy again, that little boy who had been horribly abused. I became that little boy who found comfort in silence and warmth in solitude. As I sat with my wife and as we talked, I began to realize that she held a deeper love for me than I knew possible. At that moment she was, and to this day remains, my other half.

I had always found my journal to be a relief for me. I wrote in it for years. I realized that my past needed to be kept silent. No one could know who I was back then.

My journal allowed me to expel the emotions and hurt on the pages that remained silent. No one would ever read them and experience the emotions I hid from the world. Taking pen to paper was a safe way for me to begin the healing process.

As I reviewed particular times in my life, though, I found that there was a message in the feelings of a once timid and shy little boy who grew to be the person I am today.

Nine years after we were married, my wife and I decided to publish these memoirs in the hope that its experiences and lessons will help readers understand. There are lessons in life that we all have to experience for ourselves. There are other lessons that we can learn from others, lessons that spare us the pain and cost of experience. The lessons I learned and my experiences in his book are very private, and yet I hope they have the power to open hearts and help heal wounds for others.

I realized the value in these memoirs as my wife sat beside me and we worked through the tears and the fear I found as I went deeper and deeper into the place that once held these secrets.

My wife helped me to get past my volatile feelings and fears as we worked together to proofread this book. At times I was unable to read a paragraph or even a sentence I had written without breaking into tears. She had known of only a few of the experiences Id had and the way they affected me. Before writing this book I kept those emotions hidden. Now I dont have to hide them anymore. I can allow them their place in my heart. I found that the more I was able to share, the more my wife and I were able to work together to make this a better book, with a stronger purpose.

When this project was finished, I finally realized the impact child abuse has and its lifelong effects on its victims.

Child abuse affects far more than the victim. It affects generations.

Each of us who has suffered child abuse deals with it differently. Im fortunate to have a wonderful wife and her powerful love. She may not know all the little things she does to help me, but as I grow and feel better about myself, Im able to share more and more. Its as if we fall in love over and over again. She is my rock and my comforting pillow at the same time.

My life has changed for the better now that Im able to live with the truth. Im able to control my feelings, and I know where they belong in my heart. Before this book, I was only able to prevent them from surfacing. Now I find that I dont have to control that anymore; I can live with them in harmony with my daily life. I understand that these feelings and thoughts are part of who I am.