Dave Pelzer - Too Close to Me: The Middle-Aged Consequences of Revealing a Child Called It

To my B, my lovely, pure of heart, reassuring, comical, most gentlest soul I know, my bride, Kay, who saved me from myself and for good or ill, simply allows me to be me!!!

In loving memory of Athena Konstan, an extraordinary woman and passionate educator who for well over thirty-five years challenged her students to greatness and all the while lived the adventure of a grand life!!!

In loving memory of Jacqueline Howard, who was the Mrs. Cleaver of Dunsmuir Way. Thank you for being everyones mom.

This was an extraordinary, gargantuan endeavorover nine years in the making. While trying to fathom and come to terms with yet another monumental failure in my life, and while simultaneously obtusely putting myself at extreme risk on the far sides of the world, I attempted to write about the experiences that I brought upon myself.

When completed, the word count was over 178,000the average tome being around 60,000. So, needless to say, I had to go back and not simply trim the fat, but truly rethink and restructure the entire tone of the book.

For me, Id rather be in the middle of harms way than face the grinding, descaling process of a massive rewrite, which I dubbed Project 9.

With that confession, I humbly thank editors Elizabeth Stein, for helping me attempt to go around the Horn of Africa in the worst of conditions when it became Book 8, and Emilie Jackson, who helped pilot Project 9 through the still channels of the Panama Canal. I thank you ladies for your tremendous skill and astute dedication.

I also am grateful to my longtime agent and dear friend Laurie Liss for her patience and guidance with me in the New World of publishing.

Lastly, I am truly indebted to the director of my offices, Kathryn Larkin-Estey, who, depending upon the conditions of our hypersonic-filled days, I lovingly dub Mrs. C or simply Mthe hard-nosed, no-nonsense, yet maternal boss who not only protects but warns her operatives of the serious nature of their missions true intentions. I can never thank you enough for ALL our endless meetings, your precious time, and putting up with me while I examine and break down complicated situations to the minutest meaning in order to better understand how to proceed in my various crusades.

Some of the names have been changed in order to protect the privacy and dignity of others.

As with the books A Child Called It, The Lost Boy, A Man Named Dave, and The Privilege of Youth, in my minds eye, Ive always had a musical thread, a unique song that related to the core of each of these stories. Ive been blessed to incorporate and draw from the exceptionally talented well of multiGrammy Awardwinning (twenty to date) Pat Metheny.

Because of the complexity of Too Close to Me, Ive selected a trilogy of songs that best convey the texture of this book. For the first two acts, Ive chosen Pat Methenys Polish Paths and A Change in Circumstance. And for the second half of Chapter 17, I selected Hans Zimmers haunting piece entitled Time.

This book is not what it initially appears to be.

It is not about yet another broken affair that appears on various tabloid shows on a seemingly hourly basis. And it is certainly not some salacious, tattletale, tell-all tome.

This book is about relationships, both business and personal, and what we all bring into them. It is about the ramifications of our choices and our failure to take action in a large part because of our unresolved experiences.

It is a deep examination of ones life while questioning ones values and purpose during an unexpected, midlife, fork in the road crisis.

It is about how some of us, stupidly, even arrogantly, keep repeating lifelong patterns while plowing ahead, placing a great deal at risk, while attempting to repair whatever situation, in the mere hope that ones efforts will yield some new, transformed result.

On a deeper level, this book is also about our subconscious fears and demons and the devastating effect they can have on the decisions of our lives in the real world.

Yet, at the core, this book is about coming to terms and putting down some of the weight of our own crosses that, as middle-aged adults, we all seem to bear. It is about how every day is another chance, another opportunity to achieve happiness and the empowerment of forgiveness. It is about giving ourselves permission to acknowledge our worth and to allow goodness into the remainder of our days.

This book is about the acceptance of grace that we all deserve.

Two people. Two good people. A loving couple who had dedicated everything they had to making a difference in the cause of assisting others, only to end up with little left for each other.

For endless reasons it was inevitable. I no longer had the stamina to go out therecrusading all over the nation hundreds of times a year, crisscrossing whatever area I happened to fly into, giving every ounce I had to my 16 hours a day, lets all pull ourselves up by the bootstraps campaign. Yet, whenever I was pulled aside by a kind individual pleading if I could just drop by and visit the local juvenile hall, detention boot camp, social or law enforcement agency, or a myriad of organizations, how in heavens name could I turn my back? Then, in the wee hours of the morning, before the local airport opened for the day, Id utilize my time sitting beside the airline counter working on my latest book, sorting through reams of faxes and letters, or studying for a correspondence college course.

By the time Id limp home, having existed without any semblance of sleep or nutrition for days, I was mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally exhausted. But as much as I wanted to disappear from the outside world and be a regular father, husband, and everyday human being, there were still heaps of logistical paperwork and desperate, real-life, day-to-day predicaments that required immediate and meticulous attention.

I never set out to save the world. Ive never been someone who had to do everything, all the time. I so know my limitations. If anything, when I commit to something, I pride myself in being effective and getting things done right the first time, with minimal bureaucracy and without fanfare.

As a child, I experienced firsthand that we live in world that can be cold and cruel at times. I also accepted that there will always be good versus evil. That there are enormous amounts of human suffering that can be identified as nothing short of an atrocity. So, as a person in my mid-40s, I had a hard time kicking back knowing there were others less fortunate.

It was also hard, extremely hard, for me to let down my guard, and feel safe. My issues with security have to do with my past. As an adult Ive allowed myself to become hardwired, to the point of being emotionally discounted.