Staci Frenes - Love Makes Room : And Other Things I Learned When My Daughter Came Out

Staci Frenes

Foreword by Sara Cunningham, Founder, Free Mom Hugs

Broadleaf Books

Minneapolis

LOVE MAKES ROOM

And Other Things I Learned When My Daughter Came Out

Copyright 2021 Staci Frenes. Printed by Broadleaf Books, an imprint of 1517 Media. All rights reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical articles or reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher. Email or write to Permissions, Broadleaf Books, PO Box 1209, Minneapolis, MN 55440-1209.

Published in association with Books & Such Literary Management, 52 Mission Circle (Suite 122), PMB 170, Santa Rosa, CA 95409-5370.

Making Room song lyrics written by the author and used by permission. Stones Throw Music, 2008.

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.

Cover design by Joel Holland

Print ISBN: 978-1-5064-6863-1

eBook ISBN: 978-1-5064-6864-8

For Abby Rae,

whos been showing me what brave looks like

since she entered the world

Im making room, letting in the light

Im making room for the wind to dance through

For the music, for the laughter

For the breath of life to happen

Its long overdue

Im making room

For you

Sara Cunningham, Founder, Free Mom Hugs

1. The Dress
Making Room for Hope in the Midst of Loss

2. Tears in the Rain
Making Room for the Unexpected

3. Pacing the Floors
Making Room for Questions

4. Sleepovers and Crushes
Making Room for Awkward Conversations

5. Whose Story Is This?
Making Room for Perspectives

6. Picturing You
Making Room for Remembering

7. Circle of Trust
Making Room for New Community

8. The BLTs
Making Room for Laughter

9. Just Folks
Making Room for People beyond the Labels

10. Uninvited
Making Room for Differences

11. Love and the Last Word
Making Room for an Expanding Faith

12. Why I Tell It
Making Room for Untold Stories

Afterword
Making Room for a Reimagined Future

I wish this book had found me years ago when I was drowning in fear and uncertainty. When I was convinced there was no hope and no one I could turn to for help. It would have changed everything.

I, too, am the mother of a gay child. My son spent his whole life trying to come out to me. Every time he tried, I nipped it in the bud. Changed the subject. I didnt want to have that conversation, and even if I did, I didnt have the vocabulary for it. As a result, our home wasnt a safe space for him. He was forced to check himself at the doorhe had to look elsewhere for the love and acceptance he needed. When he finally did come out to me, at twenty-one, he was already a grown man. My biggest regret is that I lost his entire adolescence with him.

At the time, I had no idea how to process what our family was going through or where to turn for answers. As an evangelical Christian, the only context I had for homosexuality was what I had absorbed in my twenty-plus years attending our neighborhood Southern Baptist church. I knew what my church believed about gay people. So when my son came out, I knew I couldnt go to my church friends or my pastor with my fears and questions. I felt like I had to choose between my faith and my child.

I was clinging to a certain version of faith, and it almost killed me, and it deeply harmed my son.

What I wouldnt have given for this book during those long, sleepless nights I spent worrying about my son. To read the words of a mom like me who comes from a faith background like mine sharing a story much like my own and knowing that the words love makes room would have resonated with me. Her story would have reassured me that what I was feeling was normal. Given me a vocabulary for what I was experiencing and, more importantly, the permission to express it. Her story would have offered me hope and shown me a way througha way that allowed both my son and my faith to flourish.

Stacis story shines light on a path that many parents find hopelessly dark. With raw honesty and authenticity, she invites us to discover, right along with her, how faith and support for our children can start with a fierce devotion to making roomfor important conversations; for tough questions, laughter, hope; and ultimately, for a reimagined future.

When I meet and talk with thousands of LGBTQ young people across the country, Im reminded they all have in common the need to be seen and loved for who they are. But many kids who come out in Christian homes experience just the opposite. As a result, they face higher than normal risks for depression and suicidal ideation.

Parents of faith, we must do better at understanding and embracing our LGBTQ children. Their lives (and frankly, ours) are depending on it. Its why I started Free Mom Hugs, a nonprofit foundation dedicated to educating families, churches, and civic leaders and encouraging them to not only affirm the values of the LGBTQ community but celebrate them. And its why stories like Stacis are so importantbecause they are the virtual Free Mom Hugs in book form that so many parents, guardians, relatives, friends, and LGBTQ children need: a friend and confidant along the way.

The mom I was back when my son came out desperately needed the honesty, wisdom, and insight that Love Makes Room offers. Its the resource I was looking for when I thought no one could possibly understand what I was going through. And its the guidebook every parent needs on what can sometimes be a scary and confusing but also beautiful journey.

Sara Cunningham

Founder, Free Mom Hugs

S ome of us go too long, sometimes forever, without telling anyone the painful, difficult parts of our story. Were convinced most people wouldnt understand the dark night weve walked through, and even if they did, were too ashamed to talk about it in the light. Not long ago the thought of writing a book about an intensely personal struggle that spans several yearsand a transformational shift in my faithwould have scared me speechless. I didnt think Id ever feel brave enough, smart enough, or just plain ready enough to tell it.

Its taken a long time to gain enough perspective to make sense of it myself. The events that happened and the truths they taught me needed time to gestate, mature, and ripen before I could share them publicly. If I had tried to write this book earlier, Im convinced it would have been bitter fruit, with none of the sweetness or complexity only time and faith can work out.

Nine years ago, when our teenage daughter told us she was gay, my tidy Christian faith began to unravel. In a Jesus-loving, evangelical-churchgoing family, this just didnt seem possible. What Id always believed to be the biblical truth regarding homosexuality suddenly didnt fit with my new reality, and trying to reconcile the two felt insurmountable, overwhelming.

Slowly, in the months and years following Abbys coming out, I struggled to make room for my daughters sexual orientation, entering a process of letting go of my own expectations and dreams for her and accepting and loving the person she was. I wrestled with a faith Id always leaned on, finding few assurances or guarantees. I learned to live in the tension of uncertainty and to my surprise discovered a richer, truer relationship with my daughter and with God because of it.