Laurie Krieg - An Impossible Marriage: What Our Mixed-Orientation Marriage Has Taught Us about Love and the Gospel

Humanly speaking, it is impossible.

But with God everything is possible.

People say our marriage is impossible. Theyre right.

My husband, Matt, and I are in what some call a mixed-orientation marriage, meaning that, for at least one of us, our default sexual attraction is not toward the gender of our spouse. Its toward our same gender. In our marriage, that would be me: my default attraction is not toward men but women. Matts is toward women too.

When we speak about our marriage publicly, or one-on-one with new friends, they often respond to our marriage description by cocking their heads like a puppy learning a new command. Im sorry, what? I dont get it. Depending on how comfortable they feel, they might even articulate their confusion. So, are you attracted to your husband at all? How does that work?

The implication is, Your marriage is impossible.

It is impossible... if we dont understand what marriage is for.

Underneath the question, How does that work? are unspoken questions that expose what we believe about marriage. How in the world do you have a sexual relationship with your spouse if you arent naturally attracted to him? Isnt the purpose of marriageor at least the glue that holds it togethersex? And to have sex in a marriage, dont you need attraction?

In this understanding, the goal of marriage seems to be the kind of unity that results in the climax of many chick flicks: the couple sleeps together.

It is fascinating to us because no one ever publicly asks Matt if he wrestles with attraction toward me. No one seems to even think to ask it. The implied statement behind the lack of questions for him reveals something of the audiences beliefs about marriage and men: Matt is a man. He must always be ready to have sex with his wife. Sex fuses marriages together. Therefore, perhaps, he is the one holding the marriage together.

Little do they realize, Matts attraction toward women almost imploded our marriage. For five years, Matt hid a pornography addiction that began not because of sexual issues as a result of my orientation but because he bowed to the same idol many dothinking that sex would bring him the fulfillment he craved.

But it didnt. It doesnt. It cant.

Just because Matt is attracted to women doesnt mean our marriage is whole.

Just because I am attracted to women doesnt mean our marriage is broken.

As we speak more openly about our marriage, straight women open up about their marriage struggles too: When I share my lack of desire to have sex with my husband, other women tell me, Just do it, and then he will open up emotionally to you. Or, Pray that God will put passion into your marriage. Or, Feel sexy so that you want to have sex. I mostly feel guilty because my mind wanders during sex, and I am hardly attracted to him at all.

We hear the exchange rate for emotional connection. Sex will satisfy him (and get him off my back), and Ill get what I want. We hear the idolatry. Emotional connection will scratch the itch of my heart. We hear the lack of natural attraction.

Straight men open up about their marriage struggles when we speak too: I love my wife, but I cant stop looking at pornography. Or, After thirty years, I wrestle with desiring her at all. Or, I hear sex begins in the kitchen. I serve her and meet her emotional needs, and then I get what I want.

Again, we hear the exchange rate for connection. Emotional connection will satisfy her (and get her off my back), and Ill get what I want. We hear the idolatry. Sex will scratch the itch of my heart. We hear the lack of natural attraction.

The default attractions of these straight people are toward the gender they married, but neither spouse always naturally desires a mind/body/spirit connection with their spouse.

Is attraction really our issue?

Is my lack of attraction toward men what makes our marriage impossible? Or is it that all of our default attractions are toward self, and selfishness is what makes all of our marriages impossible?

I want... I need... You give me... we say.

What is the purpose of marriage?

Lets back it up: What is the purpose of life?

Well, as image bearers of a holy God, we are called to bear his imageserve as a visible picture of Godto the rest of the world (Genesis 1:26). We do this when we love each other, forgive each other, and work with one another in tandem with the Holy Spirit to bring restoration to a broken world (Matthew 6:10).

God is one, and we look like him when we are one with him, one within ourselves, and with each other. Then, we invite others into oneness with God. When people look at us, they are supposed to get a sense of the One who made them too. As they see a representation of God and feel a hunger for him, we are to declare him as the One all of our souls crave. In our image bearing, we are to point to Jesus. We are called to make disciples in our living and in our verbal invitations. We are to tell fellow image bearers that there is a Rescuer for our restless souls (Matthew 28:19; Romans 10:14).