Diane Benscoter - Shoes of a Servant

Shoes of a Servant

My Unconditional Devotion to a Lie

Diane Benscoter

A Lucky Bat Book

Shoes of a Servant

My Unconditional Devotion to a Lie

Copyright 2013 Diane Benscoter

Cover design: Nuno Moreira

All rights reserved

It is not my intention to cause harm to anyone, in any way by telling my story. I have tried to recreate events, locales and conversations from my recollections of them. In order to maintain their anonymity, in some instances, I have changed the names of individuals and places, I may have changed some identifying characteristics and details as well.

This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with other people, please purchase additional copies. If youre reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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Praise for Shoes of a Servant

Read this book and share it with everyone because everyone is vulnerable.

~Dr. Joachim De Posada, "Don't Eat the Marshmallow...yet"

As vital today as it was in the try anything new era of the 70's.

~Philip Zimbardo, Ph.D., Professor Emeritus Stanford University

"The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil"

An important book providing insight into the dangers of mind control.

~Steven Alan Hassan M.Ed. LMHC, NCC

"Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs"

Honest and courageous, Shoes of a Servant is a thoughtful examination of the forcible submission of an individual to the strictures of a religious cult. Thank you, Diane, for allowing us to understand and accompany you on this unusual and dangerous journey, and for writing this book.

~Kathleen Spivack

"With Robert Lowell and His Circle"

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I began this project as a letter, to thank my mother for loving me through the pain my journey caused her, and for persisting until I was free from the lie. Although she passed away before this book was completed, I am comforted to know she read the original letter and was always able to read, across miles and time, the contents of my heart. I dedicate this book to her.

Table of Contents

Preface

IF YOU SEE yourself, or someone you know between these pages, dont be surprised. This book tells a story that took place during a time of social change. Cults like the one I was in were fairly common in America during the 70s. I decided to tell my story not to address the issue of cults, as much as to expose a human condition and to shed light on extremism.

The human mind is susceptible to exploitation. Under certain conditions, the pathways leading to the part of the brain where rational thought takes place can be detoured to an area where nearly inescapable circular logic controls cognitive processes.

The words never again have come from many of our lips. History is filled with examples of atrocities carried out by groups of people swept up by extremist ideas. Extremism today takes the form of suicide bombers as well as various acts of violence born from hateful messages of us versus them, propagated by opportunists seeking power or money.

Tens of thousands of troops cannot stop extremism. It is time we stopped looking for some vague enemy called evil which we will never find and start looking at the real cause of extremism: human vulnerability.

Memetics is an increasingly popular theory that addresses how ideas are spread from mind to mind. It has helped me create a framework for my experience. As you read my story, you will see how my cognitive processes were infected with a memetic virus created by someone claiming to be God. It is necessary to expose those who spread messages that further their quests for power and/or money at the expense of others.

These opportunists build viral memes in the name of their cause and seek out those most susceptible. For these memes or memeplexes to go viral, certain cultural conditions must exist as well as a level of individual vulnerability in those it affects. The power of these kinds of memes are decreased by shedding light on how the brain can be tricked into cognitive detours leading away from rational thought.

Research must be done to identify the characteristics that contribute to the kind of vulnerability and loss of rational thought you will see in me as you read this book.

I didnt end up drinking poison in Guyana or strapping a bomb to my body. However, the memeplex controlling my cognition was equally as powerful as the ones that influenced others who have done such things. The youthful vulnerability that made me susceptible is chillingly common.

Acknowledgments

OVER A DECADE has passed since I began writing this book. As I think back on those years, my strongest emotion is gratitude.

I am grateful that my daughter, Camille, is free from the kind of manipulation I experienced. Watching her finish high school and go on to college, seeing her develop as an individual and become a beautiful, strong young woman was something my mother didnt get to experience with me. My concern for my daughter and my empathy toward what my mother went through inspired me to tell this story.

I thank Hannelore Hahn, who founded the International Womens Writing Guild. She and her daughter, Elizabeth Julia Stouman, worked tirelessly to support women writers, regardless of their level of experience or portfolio. Had I not discovered the Guild during the time they were at the helm, this book would not exist.

Many wonderful teachers and friends from the Guild have provided immeasurable support and guidance.

Kathleen Spivack has been my mentor, teacher and friend throughout the writing of this memoir. It was at her insistence that I took on the project. She was emphatic that it was an important story to tell after our first conversation. She pushed me just beyond my comfort zone, and at the same time, always had my back. I am forever grateful to her.

Rachel de Baere has been my primary editor. Thank goodness! Her love of the craft of writing is contagious and I grew as a writer because of her. She edits with attention to detail, but never without kindness. While its hard to see a manuscript marked up with corrections, there were always those places along the side that said things like This is beautiful, sweetheart that kept me going.

Dionne Fox offered encouragement and friendship from the books inception and also helped with editing early drafts. Yael Flusberg has played the role of editor, life coach, and above all, dear friend. Mead Hunter also provided excellent editing.

The publishing industry has changed dramatically in recent years and I was fortunate to find Lucky Bat Books to help me through the changing landscape. I want to specifically thank Judith Harlan and Louisa Swann who have been my guides and partners through the publishing process.

My family has been waiting patiently for this book since before I began writing it. They have always believed in it, even when I was discouraged.

And finally I am grateful to Kim, who has listened patiently and offered suggestions that have always been insightful. She has loved me through difficult times and held me as my heart broke from the loss of my mother. Hers is the hand I will hold as I release this memoir.