Stacey Chomiak - Still Stace: My Gay Christian Coming-of-Age Story An Illustrated Memoir

Copyright 2021 Stacey Chomiak

Published in 2021 by Beaming Books, an imprint of 1517 Media. All rights reserved. No part of this book
may be reproduced without the written permission of the publisher. Email .
Printed in the United States of America.

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Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-5064-6951-5
EBook ISBN: 978-1-5064-6952-2

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Chomiak, Stacey, author.
Title: Still Stace : my gay Christian coming of age story / by Stacey
Chomiak.
Description: Minneapolis, MN : Beaming Books, 2021. | Audience: Ages 13-18
| Summary: An artists captivating and quirky illustrated coming-of-age
memoir of surprising first love, coming out, and coming to embrace her
queer Christian identity-- Provided by publisher.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020045210 (print) | LCCN 2020045211 (ebook) | ISBN
9781506469515 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781506469522 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Chomiak, Stacey--Juvenile literature. | Christian
biography--Manitoba--Winnipeg--Juvenile literature. |
Lesbians--Manitoba--Winnipeg--Biography--Juvenile literature. |
Homosexuality--Religious aspects--Christianity--Juvenile literature.
Classification: LCC BR1725.C465 A3 2021 (print) | LCC BR1725.C465 (ebook)
| DDC 270.092 [B]--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020045210
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020045211

VN0004589; 9781506469515; AUG2021

Beaming Books
PO Box 1209
Minneapolis, MN 55440-1209
Beamingbooks.com

Authors Note

This is my story of growing up and wrestling with my faith and
sexuality. I tried to be as honest and vulnerable as possible, to convey the
intense struggle and deep shame LGBTQ people of faith carry both within
themselves and with their families.

Though it was tough to share, I decided to write about my early sexual
experiences, because I dont think sex is talked about enough in LGBTQ
Christian spaces. Shame in faith communities is incredibly powerful, and I
would be happy to take away a little bit of that stigma.

Everything that happens in this story is to the best of my memory. The
names of my friends and people I dated have been changed to protect their
privacy. All of the dialogue has been reconstructed from my memory and
my diaries, but is not word for word. I have also included excerpts from my
prayer journals, since often the rawest parts of my struggle were only visible
on those pages.

I hope that you will see yourself and your journey reflected in these
pages so that, maybe, you will feel less alone.

Chapter 1

Summer 1996

I gazed across the water from my spot on the edge of the dock. I ran my
fingers over the rough wood, still warm from soaking in the days sunshine.
As I breathed deeply, the fragrant smell of pine trees coming across the lake
made me smile. How I loved this place.

Every summer since I was eight, Id spent a week at Calvary Temple
Youth Camp in Whiteshell Provincial Park, Manitoba. It was my favorite place
on earth. Spending a week with the other girls from youth group having fun
and learning about Jesus was something I looked forward to all year. Every
summer when I set foot onto the grounds, the familiar smell of the lake
coming in on the breeze brought back every memory Id ever had of camp.
The silly songs and endless laughter. The late-night conversations about life
and faith. Swimming in the lake. Doing arts and crafts. Playing Bible trivia. I
loved learning from the counselors and discovering new things about Jesus.

My Christian faith was the main focus of the week. Christianity
made sense, and it gave me purpose and life. I didnt just pretend to like
ChristianityI was all in. I had grown up in this faith, and even now that
I was in my teens, it was one of the things in my life that fit. Or actually,
everything in my life fit around it.

I was painfully earnest about my faith, always wearing a small silver cross
around my neck and excited to talk about the newest Christian music album.
I loved the authenticity that rang true deep inside, and I loved the sense
of community I always had with my camp and church friends. And here
at camp, where one week felt like three months, my faith was challenged,
supported, and encouraged.

One summer stands out above the rest. I was sixteen and couldnt stop
thinking about my friend Joanna. I sat there in the dining hall eating my
favorite camp side dish of scalloped potatoes, daydreaming about her long,

chestnut hair and hazel eyes. I had met her the year before in youth group.
And now we were here together at camp. After lunch we were going to go
swimming, and for some reason I felt really nervous. We had been spending
a lot of time together already that week, so I wasnt sure why the thought of
going swimming with her was making my stomach do flip-flops.

The day before, we had been in her cabin doing devotions, talking about
why The Message version of the Bible was better than other translations. That
morning, we had volunteered to partner together for the next chapel skit. We
had picked the new Crystal Lewis song, People Get Ready, Jesus Is Comin,
and it was going to be amazing.

I finished my lunch and quickly changed into my swimsuit. I was pretty
self-conscious lately about being chubby; I wished I was thinner. But my
friends were all different sizes, so I tried not to worry about it too much. I
made my way down the huge rock face toward the lake front. I could see
Joanna from a distance, sitting on the dock, happily chatting with a girl from
her cabin. She noticed me coming, and her face broke out in a big smile.
When she waved me over, my heart started to race. I felt my cheeks turning
red. What is happening?

Hi, Stace! Man, its so hot right now. Wanna just jump in?

I grinned. Yes, lets do it!

We threw our towels onto the dock and raced to the edge. I jumped into
the refreshing lake water and let my body be suspended under the surface
for a few seconds. Being submerged in water made it feel like time was
standing still.

Soon a larger group of girls joined us, and we took turns clambering up
on the dock and jumping back into the water, laughing at our huge splashes.
As I treaded water across from Joanna, I noticed the light bouncing off the
surface of the water onto her face, and my stomach felt... something.

Why cant she and I just hang out the rest of the week?

After Joanna left, I stayed back at the beach, all wrapped up in my
oversized watermelon towel. I stared out at the water, the waves making a
melodic lapping sound against the dock. I started daydreaming. About her.
Again. I dug my toes into the warm sand. I had never felt drawn to someone
in this way before. It wasnt a crush like I knew I was supposed to have for
boys. Those sorts of feelings were reserved for my future husband.

I had it all planned out. Since I loved Christian music and church, I
was obviously going to marry a floppy-haired music-slash-youth pastor
with a casual sense of style and a great sense of humor. I hadnt met any
boys I liked yet. I hadnt felt any attraction to boys at all so far, which
meant I must be pretty strong in the resisting-temptation department. I
mean, I was a perfectionist in most areas of my life, so maybe I was already
passing Temptation 101 with flying colors?

I did know all the words to the songs
we sang in chapeland most of the Bible