T.L. Johnson - Diagonal In A Parallel World: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder

AuthorHouse LLC

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.authorhouse.com

Phone: 1-800-839-8640

2014 T. L. Johnson . All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 05/09/2014

ISBN: 978-1-4918-2330-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-2329-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-2331-6 (e)

Library Congress Control Number: 2013918031

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction

Diagonal in a Parallel World is based on the knowledge, understanding and transformations that I have been required to attain, to enable myself and my child to function within the confinements of a preventable disability. It is filled with emotional struggles, truths and ownerships that at times have consumed me, but through personal growth, I ultimately attained the confidence and the courage to face the whys to my existence. My approach may not necessarily represent a pragmatic descriptive form and could be construed more too personal theories, but it is in its entirety a direct reflection of my facts and truths.

My opinions and rationalities are based on the inconsistency that lies between real ability and justifiable inability within society and its relationship to prevention and interventions with respect to FASD. My experience in dealing with FASD and the ability of society in comparison to the justified inability of those impacted by FASD truly mystified me.

Diagonal in a Parallel may for many hold some contradiction or prejudgments as to who or what is the intended focus, as it is not just a reflection of the quality of life that those facing FASD have to endure but also the extent to which I as the parent have been impacted by this disability. As I am the external brain for my child and have functioned within the confines of both worlds; I have acquired the insight through experience to reiterate, what is required to function and survive within the parameters of FASD. I am literally the cognitively operative part of our FASD equation.

Having this unknown tumultuous turbulent world become a controlling factor of my life, I could not simply ignore the truths. Sharing this personal journey of truths with society is a remedial characterization of how a life can evolve from a depicted societal normal to a societal abnormal, the controlling factor being a continuum of impacts with the root element being Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder.

Chapter One

Reality is fundamentally non-fiction, however when I found I was facing indescribable daily occurrences, my non-fictional reality became completely illusory. This illusionary life required me to master the art of compartmentalizing; it had become the second and third person of me and I believed this process was necessary for my salvation. However it only provided an escape, it did not provide the knowledge that I needed to connect the divided me to a singular entity with a definable definition.

In having no identifying connection to my own direction or purpose I was unknowingly compounding the illusory factors that governed my life. Subconsciously I knew that to find my own required answers I would need to unravel all the meticulously created files that were of my own creation and had taken years to orchestrate.

The process of de-compartmentalizing in my mind did not entail finding a perfect daily balance: it was strictly an avenue of finding the point of integration, or more precisely the cross over in this unknown personal definition. I knew this separate person was my own divided creation and I knew internally that I was the product of my environment. The simplicity of this was my environment had coordinated my behavior and my personality became completely compatible with my environment.

The conclusive evidence brought forth the understanding that the divided me was the byproduct of an environmental change. But when and how had I become this byproduct, what had occurred to bring forth this life altering transformation and division?

Having the time to find who I was within the parameters of how I had to function seemed like a simple process, but yet trying to achieve this while in the middle of ever changing chaos was a complex endeavor. I had become so preconditioned to this existence and so cut off from worldly extravagances that pertain to any form of self that I never gave it much thought; I just was because I just had to be. I couldnt escape this feeling of consumption, my mind would not let me enter into this zone of I need or I desire, my whole focus was strictly on my ability to persevere myself within this world and was limited to a moment to moment bases. Me as the singular had become the insignificant irrelevant factor, who was required to function without an identity.

The moment I internally accepted that I had lost myself and my identity I became radically charged with needing to know the; whos and whys of how this had transpired. I now faced this reality of literally needing to connect the dots of occurrences in my life; I needed to go beyond just existing, I needed to have my own individuality.

The inner need to find myself or the explanations to my existence began as stolen moments away, contemplating how I ended up being who I am? How did I get here? Everything that happens to us can indeed create who we are, unless we decide differently and have the desire and the ability to change it; the stark simplicity of preventability and that unambiguous harsh reality of responsibility.

The basic question of Who am I? started with what I deemed as a small insignificant answer. My first conclusive response was I am a Mom however that simple insignificant answer opened the flood gates to the reality of What and Who being this Mom entails.

So who am I? I am a Mom to child with multiple disabilities, who assiduously tries to enable my Child to succeed; I am always proactively trying to find suitable supports. I have become exhausted within a society that has little understanding, I am a Mom who has been on more than one occasion referred to as the one who just does not understand that there are no supports; there are no programs and interventions. Those spoken words that I listened to regularly, You Have To Understand; It Is Beyond Our Control There Are No Supports, I ignored them and tried again, hoping beyond hope that they were mistaken and that my Child and myself would be supplied with what we desperately needed.

I am a Mom who many have attempted to avoid; I am depicted as opinionated, pushy, relentless and persistently demanding. I have witnessed the looks when I enter a room, I pack the attitude. I have to, I have no choice; I have a child impacted by FASD! I am impacted by FASD! My life is no longer the depicted status quo of normal; I am not your average Mom. I want to be perceived as intimidating; I have a Child who relies on my ability to achieve all that is required just to function without turmoil and have some semblance of success.

I am a Mom who lives in fear that her Child will be used, mistreated and or victimized. I am a Mom who desires the best for her Child, I spend every day in the prevention mode, the teaching mode, the external brain mode, I am the tool my Child depends on to make it through the day. My Child lives in fear of the day I wont be there, and I live in the fear of the day that I cant protect my Child. Welcome to this life of FASD.